Hear the sound of my soul, See the color of my heart, Feel the light within, Know the truth without, Be the motion and lift up. Ascend the stairs.... If there is a dream in my heart, Make it so...... Sleeping dragon, Cozy in the dark, A sleeping dragon, Slumbers inside my heart. The tail does twitch, And, head does wake, With wings unfurling a flight to take!
You can also find this poem published to DeviantART in my gallery HERE.
NOTES:
Earlier this week, I was on this creative HIGH, euphoria... and a lot of stuff was just happening. I actually jotted this one down as it came to me, and forced myself to go to bed. there could've been more, but it was almost 4AM. I also totally FORGOT I wrote it... like amnesia... really weird! I had trouble getting to sleep many times this week, because I kept having music, or poetry happening in my mind.
Then, by mid day on Wednesday it just stopped. And, I was incredibly moody. It was not pleasant either, nor could I explain it.
When I went back to check my notebook, it was like reading the poem for the first time, but after I read it 3 times, I remembered everything. Really strange!
My mind is all over the place, and it's as though it has tides and streams...
I was searching today for a lot of references, for aerial drone video cinematography footage, and photography. There's so much to pick through on just Youtube alone, and Flickr.
But, ever since I'd decided to create multiple male characters that would be of interest to Lively, I actually felt so much better. It was like a major weight off my chest! You have NO IDEA.
I felt I couldn't ever deiced or get it right...
I always felt some kind of terrible guilt or shame over it that I cannot even explain.
But, once I did that, I felt I noticed Xingtao develop more.
I also think I've decided on a surname for him: 敖 "Ao".
There's a reason for it. I know its a bit of major rule breaking, but I'm gonna break 'em anyway.
If you've ever read ancient Chinese books, novels, etc. the old stuff is rather weird, but it has all sorts of meaningful things that often tend to have been thought out incredibly in depth. The thought process doesn't translate well at all to Western languages nor ways of thinking...
But, if you've ever heard of Feng Shen Ban or Feng Shen Yan Yi it's pretty much a list of every and any "god", deity, magical being, or whatever from ancient times. It's also written in an ancient way which may seem silly or ridiculous to a modern person... That text is even older than the Hebrew Bible.
Anyway, in the text it talks about the Dragon king gods, and their surname is always: 敖
These are The Dragon Kings of the 4 Seas:
敖廣 Ao Guang
敖欽 Ao Qin
敖閏 Ao Run (Western Sea)
敖順 Ao Shun
and there's other ones also...
I believe in the Xi You Ji (The Journey To The West) the White Dragon prince (also a Horse and eventually a Buddha) is related to Ao Run, but I don't actually recall him being named at all... except for his Buddhist name which was 白龍馬 "Bai Long Ma" (White Dragon Horse). At the end of the story, the Bai Long Ma gets to India to The Western Heaven to see the Tathāgata and becomes a Buddha dragon 八部天龍廣力普薩 or 八部天龍馬, and changed from white to (in my translation) white and gold in a special pool for washing dragons. Anyways, he got some fancy titles... it's normal in ancient Chinese stories and ancient cultures that special individuals got more than 1 title. My translated version had him with a title different than the ones online in English.
Ironically, the Dragon became the white horse as a kind of punishment, or penance , but his crime in our eyes would seem silly. He broke something, and was sentenced to death for it. Kinda extreme, right? But, of all the other characters in the story of the Xi You Ji it was Bai Long Ma that was the BEST and MOST behaved and MOST loyal to his shifu, Tang Sansang AKA The Golden Cicada.
Anyways, I decided that since I have a Dragon theme going on, it only made sense to pick an appropriate Dragon's surname: 敖
It sort of adds to the mystique of the character... because it's lost in meaning unless you were well read and cultured...
Also, I am having my setting of my story as an alternate version of our world. I also plan on having extra moons or visible planets in the sky.... I want to show, or portray, a vision of a world culture heading in a new and positive direction, environmentally, and show it panning out, only to have my villain/antagonist character to be the destructive antithesis of that vision... I'm NOT sure if I could include "space elevators" like Arthur C. Clark wrote, because that's his work... and not mine... but, I could portray the world as it was intended to head towards starting back in the late 1990s of which I was a part of... SO, I hope to incorporate permaculture, and really GIVE people a positive vision of the future, because lets face it, THERE IS NO STAR TREK on TV anymore... just the old dated reruns... (I so love them tho'.) I have so many ideas that I couldn't even begin to start....
So, his name will be: 敖兴涛Ao Xingtao
Also the word 敖 can sort of mean to "flirt".
There are also variations of the word 敖 "Ao" also still called "ao" that can have all kinds of meanings like to saunter, to stroll around, to flow around, fly around, to travel the world... I guess it depends on how you use it...
Some variations can also mean pride, arrogance, snobby, or haughty... which I think adds very nicely to the complexity of the character, and his personality.....
I also think I will change his hair a few times...
I also want to create some other male characters that will be of interest to Lively... I have a few vague ideas, but they won't be quite as in depth or dynamic as Xingtao. Xingtao's major vice is mystique... only, he doesn't know that it is... he's mostly oblivious to it, unless his mood changes... He's like 2 mane personalities that he lives out; 1 is an introvert, and the other is an extrovert... and, neither are quite exactly who he actually is... and even he doesn't know.... he seems to know what he's doing, but is lost, but when he seems lost, he actually knows what he's doing...
He can be very calculated and well thought out, or suddenly impulsive. he wants order and balance in his life, structure, order... but, when things are too strict, he hates it, and he will break away from it, and even self sabotage. He wants order because he's been too foolish many times, and screwed several things up, but he also wants freedom... so he settles into 2 mane modes of being, the introvert and the extrovert.
He wants to have, or find, or cultivate JUST the right balance where things won't go to hell, and but he can be free, fun, expressive, but he also wants the status that comes with responsibilities, he wants wisdom, maturity. In some ways he's incredibly bold, and in others he's incredibly timid, quiet, strict.
To those whom he works with he has the persona of being happy-go-lucky, friendly, fun, and even verges into cocky, and a show-off... But, he also can compulsively thrust himself into his work, tasks, etc. and often way too much.
But, in his personal life away from that, he's strict, quiet, stoic, and even statuesque, or appears cold, stern, or boring. He hides away in his home with music, movies, creative things he never really shows to anyone, stacks of poetry notebooks, photo albums, electronic components, tinkering projects, and inventions, or spends time hiding away from people in nature, the trees, yard work, or spending time with animals, or doing his creative endeavors alone while sight seeing all over the place... like landscape painting, calligraphy, photography, videography, or improv' playing an instrument.
He has a love of beauty, beautiful things, and beautiful women. He also see beauty where others cannot.
As the story goes on, I will have him more interested in meditative things, but not so much in the beginning... In the beginning he will be a lot more expressive, and robust. But, as it goes on, he will become more cultivated... almost like a Vulcan in Star Trek... only not...
He will also not always be in the story... he sort of goes to different places for various reasons.... and, he's always wanting to learn something, know something, or find out something... but, he doesn't want everyone to know everything about himself... so much so, there are things about himself even he doesn't know... Like he's trying to figure out who he really is. There's also a reason for this aspect.
Well... it's all in his name right there: 敖兴涛
Anyways, altho' my Chinese isn't the greatest at all.... and after deliberating over choosing his name, I consulted a picky person about it... and we always have long conversations... I actually didn't really want to tell this person the name of my character, nor that I was creating one... because he might want to butt-in, and throw off my groove! ARG! But, since I kept asking him for feedback, he got nosy, and found out what I was doing...
That was a LOOOONG conversation....
But, after constantly learning and asking, and contemplating, and discussing, he walked passed me much later on and said: I like that name you picked. That was very good.
I was deathly afraid I was possibly breaking some rules, which I might be, but he actually sounded IMPRESSED. WHAT???
Great! None of those long lectures of: Don't do this! And DON'T DO THAT... and being totally nonplussed as to why, and culture differences that don't translate... so frustrating. .... but, luckily it went WELL! ^_^
Credit Notes:
Chinese calligraphy program used to generate these Chinese ming-zi 名字 (names) is programed and created free of charge at: ChineseTools.edu specifically found HERE.
I LOVE this site so much! I've been using it since the GW Bush era and it's just getting better & better! THANK YOU Chinese tools!
They also NOW do other language scripts such as Korean, Japanese, Arabic, Tibetan, and Thai! Many many others also!
I've agonized over a title, or at least a working title for my dragon film/story project since FOREVER....
And, for about a month now, I've been obsessing and agonizing over what to title the thing!
I was never satisfied.... or, I was.... but I changed my mind...
I was aggravated and frustrated with myself!
I just couldn't commit to it!
I would sit at my desk, or the sofa, with my notebook and writing, then rewriting the title, moving words around... It was SUCH A PUZZLE!
I could feel inside what I wanted to express or convey... but, putting it into words just right was a major frustration!
Too long!
Too short!
Too common!
Not original enough!
Doesn't coonvey what I feel quite right!
Doesn't sound right!
Doesn't have the right ring to it...
Sounds too much like a weird Japanese anime title....
It was absolutely a BRAIN PICKER!
So, I had it narrowed down a few times, before I would rethink it, and cycle back doing that....
And, I have a lot of intense trepidation about saying what I have decided on (SO FAR)... that, I've been stewing over it for over a week now...
I figure, it will most likely seem, or sound VERY STRANGE to probably EVERYONE
And, I suppose that ought to be expected...
It's VERY ME....
It's my work, and my project...
So, I figure it ought to be very unusual to pretty much everyone....
I just hope my artist peers & friends don't hate it... because that would really hurt...
I've been very EMO over it also.... :-/
Trepidation doesn't even begin to express what it feels like.....
Please don't hate me.
Each word is specifically, and carefully chosen, and have multiple meanings as well. I feel that much of my best work from my past often had better titles when I made more figurative or metaphorical tittles, especially my "Eyewitness" since the title can be broad or vague in a way...
The title its self is almost like a poem in a way....
And, even tho' it may sound strange at first, the story explains it later but only if one would contemplate it... so, it's typical of my artists & philosopher sides...
But, I guess, no matter what anyone does, there will be people that just don't like something... and that's to be expected... or they just don;t like it, because they just don't like me.... but, oh well...
Different people like different things... and that's totally fine.
There are a few things I'm very terrible at, and that includes designing architecture, buildings, and machinery... I eventually would need some help with an air ship design, and some building designs, because I am not good at doing any of those things... and some kind of vehicles, like cars...
I'm just not good at any of those things, and I'm rather terrible at 3D animation stuff. I'm pathetically awful at it!
But, I guess that's OK.... because you can't be perfect at everything.... and that's OK....
I guess somehow I'll figure something out one day...
Just, please don't be rude or nasty to me about it if you don't understand....
It's very true that people often fear what they do not understand... and people lash out at things they are afraid of....
I can very easily stand up to any argument when it comes to philosophy, politics, debating, and things of that nature that are logic or rhetorical based...
But, art is not necessarily logic...
So, if you are NOT an artist, or you are a comfortably well employed mainstream artist and you hate it, I would just kindly ask you to keep it to yourself, and don't bother me with your hate, or arrogance, or prejudices. I am not you, and I will never be you.
I'm just me. And, this means something to me.
I don't actually want my goal, nor my motives, to be money, because I feel it dirties and tarnishes it. I'm not opposed to money at all, and I'm many times over a capitalist and entrepreneur, I own property, and I'm also not against taking and making money at all.
But, I am against people giving me money to change what is MINE, to take away what is MINE, or to tell me what I should or shouldn't do merely because they gave me dollars.
It may sounds hokey or cliche, but I want my motive for creating my story/film/project to be LOVE.
And, if you DON'T like that, that's not my problem, but yours.
The love of my inner self, the love of expression, the love of freedom, the love of art, the love of telling a story, the art of creation and creating something. the love of DOING something, and MAKING something.
I just DON'T LOVE money.
I don't feel that way, and I cannot make my heart feel something it doesn't and won't.
I, of course, would spend my money on it if I have it... but, if I don't have the much money, I just don't care. I don;t want to be famous, and I don't want to be "a star", and I don't want to be what other people want me to be. That is THEIR dreams, and not mine.
I do NOT have a dream of conformity nor mediocrity. If that's what you believe that I OUGHT to do, just know THAT IS YOUR DREAM, or YOUR DREAM FOR ME, and it is NOT MINE. But, it is a dream nonetheless. And, an empty one....
My dreams are full.... and my cup runneth over....
It doesn't matter to me whether you understand, or don't understand....
No one understood van Gogh until after he died... sometimes, it just sucks like that, but oh well... Now, THE most expensive works of painted art in existence.
But, I'm also NOT van Gogh, I'm Kandice. And, that is OK...
I realize that I've published a lot of rough sketches, and old work here... and maybe that seems odd or strange.... but, I felt in necessary to show that I'm imperfect, and that people grow, and learn...
And, sometimes you gotta just start all over... somewhat... or at least partially...
I don;t know what to totally expect... and I'm not sure, totally, what the heck I'm doing... but, it seems to be figuring its self out, I guess...
So, I guess you we probably want to know what to title was, that I have made so far...if you've read this far....
So, I guess I ought to reveal it by now.....
Well, the title I've come up with.... that I'm sticking to now is:
忍 It was so much work, that you will never know, nor ever have seen, just to get to this specific title. Pages upon pages on ideas and rewrites and rearrangements...
I'm still looking for some of my old artwork... I don't know whether I will ever find it...
I'm not sure what I will do next... But, it just seems to be flowing on its own sometimes...
I was often conflicted about a character I had in mind for my stories...
I even RP'ed some stuff because I didn't know what to do with it...
I even made a boy character on IMVU to play with some ideas/concepts.
It kept changing... but, I think, there's nothing wrong with having more than 1 character.
The mane male character I've called other names in the past. But, I think I will be sticking with the name Xingtao.
But, again with the Taoism stuff.... I couldn't be sure of the specific name written down. (Chinese)
I was originally calling him: 星套 ( Xintao/Xingtao) meaning "Star Set" or "Stared Sleeves" or "Jacket of Stars".
But, I think I like this better: 兴涛 (Xingtao) meaning something like Euphoric Waves of the Interesting... or sort of meaning an intense attractiveness mentally but also coming at you...
I don't know how to explain it in English, and My Chinese isn't that great, and I still can't even hand write the word 涛 which is difficult for me. It's a very abstract meaning... and, I'm unfortunately more ignorant than "in the know" on these matters... :(
Chinese often has a way of having a massively large meaning in just a few words... in Western languages we don't always have this, and nowhere near the same thing...
As I was developing the character over the years, I always felt he had 2 sides; an introvert, and an extrovert. I also wrote him as having secrets, and a hidden identity.
Introvert Xingtao Concept
Extrovert Xingtao Concept
But, I think I would also like to create some other characters as well, because I think it makes the story have more of a richness and depth.
I actually find both versions of him to be very exciting.
So, I think I still like the idea of him having different moods and temperaments depending on the situations or social circles... But, I can't decide if I want him to be fair skinned, or having a nice rich deep tan. I suppose he could be both....
兴涛
兴涛
兴涛
I do think I'm definitely doing other characters, because I think young persons, including girls, should be attracted to more than 1 person... it just makes sense, and I think that's more interesting, and better story telling. I don't think I would go more than 4 others, tho'. Perhaps less....
And, since I'm kinda leaning more towards a more European stint on dealing with this aspect, it makes more sense to have more than 1 interesting male, even if there's a mane male character that will eventually head to other things within the story...
I'm also thinking I might start him off with long hair, but then he cuts it... I think that's rather realistic also. Since young men whom have long hair, tend to eventually cut it.
I also admit, that I find the idea of designing other characters, or even refining the character development of Xingtao as VERY exciting. He's pretty sexy!
I've been tearing apart my home trying to find the original sketched of the ones I have the ugly inked versions of on my old portfolio model sheet.
I honestly HATE the inked versions. But, due to RULES that were supposedly animation industry standards at the time, we have to ink the work. I HATE HATE HATE my inked work.
Also, the instructors made me alter my inked work several times cutting out a lot of details.
Ironically, I still have a lot of model sheets from big companies back then that were rough, sketchy, or uninked work... and, by today's standards including Japan and even 3D or film effects anmiation they no longer have this idea that everything must be inked drawings.
I believe my instructors meant well... at the time, they believed in this ideas of a term they often used in the old Animation Magazines called either "anible" or "animable" depending on who was talking, and yes I sat through countless lectures and animation festivals... basically, it means "able to animate". The concept was that in order to animate something ( i.e. hand drawing traditional animation) that the artwork needed to be simplified. It makes total sense if you think about it, and gives you less work, so you can animate more. this was one of those Holy Grail ideas that people all echoed over & over... but, if you watched Don Bluth films, various Disney Films, and any number of untold independent shorts in any number of festivals, this rules was OFTEN BROKEN.
Yes, it takes a lot of work, and a lot more time, to do something by hand drawing if it has more details... I KNOW THAT. I UNDERSTAND THAT....
And, I "get it" that a potential employer would look at your portfolio and probably want a person whom can mass produce art that is simple, and not "waste time" on details.... but, at the same time, they ALSO want to see what your IDEAS ARE, HOW YOU THINK, and just HOW DETAILED AND SKILLED YOU CAN BE, or ACTUALLY ARE....
With all of the deadlines shoved onto me, and with so many restrictions, I felt I did rather well in meeting their demands... however, specific instructors whom had a visceral hate for women would just make up reasons to fail me.
When the other students had a portfolio done, it was common for other students to want a copy of it from the photo copier. Even my unfinished portfolios, and "failed" portfolios were SO sought after by my fellow students that they would ask me to copy it, in the classroom, even before the teacher even saw them, which might have pissed him off further.
And, whenever I gave a newer version copy to my favorite teacher, he would also make copies because everyone wanted a new copy of mine. And, in a stack of stapled copies of my 'failed" or "unfinished" portfolios would even get requests from other people, whom I didn't even know as either I was making copies, or that teacher.
However, in my opinion, all of the revisions to especially my BEST WORK actually made it less than good. I don;t like it at all.
I prefer my pencil work SO MUCH MORE.
I came to this realization even harder when I worked at Top Cow in 2005 (unpaid) because there were "pencilers", specifically 1 in particular at the time, whom refused to have his work inked, and drew his line work in such a way as to be ink-like. But, his work also had a nice feel to it. A common question was "Who did his inks? Does he do them himself?" because the work was so different looking... and the editor or producer would always strike up a conversation about how that artist refused inking or inkers and that the line work was entirely in pencil.
It was such a common conversation topic that I changed my mind on inking entirely. I was already working on "line quality"anyway... so, why bother with ink?
I also don't like digital inking tools. I HATE THEM.
Anyway, I don't know where some of my sketchbooks from 1999-2001 are because there's definitely many that are missing, and a number of portfolio folders with my punched "animation papers" in them.
I also lost my sculpture of Djehkäujaa.
1 thing I want to point out is that Djehkäujaa has segmented parts of her skin, such as her neck & tail.
My friend Silver Moon Nightwing (Kristen Buckner) often referred to my dragon as "mammalian" meaning "mammal-like". But, actually, I based a lot of her more on dinosaur anatomy/biology.
I designed her to have tight yet very flexible skin, but also rough. The reason it's rough is because in flight it will cause micro turbulences, similar to how a golf ball works in flight, or the skin of a shark in water, that causes them to fly faster, in effect gliding better through the air.
Her skeletal structure is also cartilage and her wings are firm, yet also have a good amount of flex to them.
If you understand the anatomy of bones and skulls, and you understand how lips work or function you can somewhat accurately determine how large lips would be on an animal. There's holes in the skulls specifically FOR the nerves to reach the lips through the skull. It works like this: the larger the hole for the nerves to pass through the skull, the larger the lips will be.
If you look at the skull of a horse, you can see they have a large hole for the nerves, and they also have big lips. If you look at a moose, which has HUGE lips, it has an even bigger hole in the skull where the nerves come out. Canines and felines also have significant lips to grab onto the meat they need to consume.
I actually took a large interest in this because I sat through a lecture in the late 1990s describing how an Apatosaurus actually have giant moose lips based on JUST the size of the hole in the skull for the nerves. I also noticed this on other dinosaur skulls as well, and even took a lot more notice of this on animals that were alive today.
That is why Djehkäujaa has large lips.
In some ways she has some dog-like and horse-like anatomy.
Regarding her "detailed look" I actually disagree. From my perspective, for ME, I have kept her very sleek and simplified FOR ME. She doesn't have grand scales, or tons of horns, or spikes. Despite the grand size, she's agile & nimble.
Her skin also has special abilities to change color or bend light becoming almost invisible. She has vision like an eagle, and posable thumbs. She can read, write, talk, sing, hum, and do many things a human could.
So, when it comes to animating her... I've seen it done many times... there's this THING called ROUGH ANIMATION, and KEY FRAMES.... maybe you've heard of it....
Then, later on, you can do something called CLEAN UP and REFINING...
In fact, most rough animations and keyframes, often get redone ANYWAY....
JUST SAYING....
I do NOT have a problem with trying to animate my own character. FFS have you EVER seen Glen Keane's BEAST character in a film called Beauty & The Beast? He didn't draw it all in 1 day... and other animators also worked on it WITH HIM.
So, calm the hell down.... it's GONNA BE OK...
I know people think they're somehow well-meaning, or that their somehow helping me, or giving me good advice...
I also don't talk about everything regarding her... because it's very extensive, and INSIDE OF MY HEAD... so, you just don't KNOW, and don't SEE all the work and effort, and consideration in it...
Or, there's the people whom think I'm an arrogant uppity person.... just based on something I wrote, and DON'T EVEN KNOW ME.
I already KNOW I'm not the best at everything... and that's not the point.
There is no such thing as a "best artist" only ur own PERSONAL BEST.
I might not be that great today, and certainly not MY BEST today... but, tomorrow is another day...
