I was feeling particularly frustrated, and somewhat embarrassed over the level of my skills, since it wasn't what it was, nor what I felt it ought to be. I can often be a perfectionist, and also a realist, and I was rather ashamed. that's why I never finished my manga back in 2004-2005. I just felt my skills were terrible. Altho' I think compared to now, they are even worse than back then.
Luckily, I found out that there were FREE life drawing classes on YouTube by
Croquis Cafe!
So, I've been doing the classes lately! It's the best way to refine your skills, within 6 months!
You can see my most recent work HERE but you will need to log-in to the DeviantART because they are censored for nudity.
If you want to see the unfinished manga story I did back in 2005ish, the artwork is here. It was called
"Reluctant Slayer", and I'd originally written it for a Tokyo Pop managa company that actually brought manga to the USA as a platform for non-Asian artists to do mangas in the rest of the world. It's ironic because when they first did that, they got so much flack, but their North American contest was so popular that getting your hands on the mangas of the winning entries was hard.
A number of enthusiast kids in Plymouth (yes, where the Pilgrims landed), where I used to run our pop art business for a time at the Playmoth/Kingston mall, kept insisting I enter the contest. By 2005, I "interned" at Top Cow Inc in Century City (Greater Los Angeles, near Hollywood, next to Beverly Hills) and their umbrella company was Image Comics which by then did several mangas, and also started producing them in full color with watercolors, and anything you could think of. I probably still have some, somewhere... So, I was inspired to start working on the managa again while I was in working there and living in Hollywood... I was all "think positive" New Age chick at the time... but everything fell through, I ran out of money, my spouse was in China with my kid, and after a ton of computers crashed or blew up, and some drama with the web people, a bunch of folks got "canned" (as they call it). Then, once I finished a project of grunt-work for Brian, the producer was like: Sorry, we can;t keep you here anymore, so you have to go.... they also weren't paying me... I was still allowed to visit, or "hang out in the studio"... I never got ANY of the so-called training I was supposed to get... they never looked at my portfolio at all, and even tho' I liked the producer very much, I just didn't know what to do... and it hurt so badly that it all just crashed so abruptly that I didn't want to look at him at all...
NO, matter what I did, I couldn't secure a job, and my rent was due. my so-called best friend, whom kept raping me, whom has pushed me to get a job constantly, while I was sick with jet leg and flu when I got there also couldn't seem to get me a job anywhere on his own... his mother bought me some blankets, so I'm guessing in his mind that made it OK to rape me. And, another guy tried to rape me. That's a whole other story. (That one involved connections to: Mohamed Ali, Michael Jackson's family, Lady Gaga, and more) Ya try and be a helpful person, and you get preyed on...
So, I had to leave, and I flew to Philadelphia where my father picked me up, and I stayed there... actually, that May/June in 2005 I found out a lot of stuff. I found out that for years my Mom wouldn't answer my calls, call me back, or call me at all, and she kept telling me she was busy. But, at my father's house, she called my brothers every day, and several times per day..... This was strange to me because when I was in Hollywood, for months, she never answered or called me back sometimes for days, or not at all...
And, a friend of mine, whom I'd worked with in 1997, kept making plans with me, to see me, hang out with me, and I was there for about 3 weeks or so... and each day, he kept promising, then changing his mind. So many other persons wanted to see me, and he seemed very enthusiastic about it... but, in the end, just a few days before I left, he came to see me, very late... and ONLY because I'd nagged him... not because he actually wanted to... then, he made it sound like he came out of some charity reason.... oh really?
This was a person whom used to pester me all the time, was flamboyant, easy-go-lucky, bold, robust, and even used to abduct me when we were coworkers...
I don't have the words to express, nor describe, the sting, hurt, and pain of it all...
The cold, cruel reality that the people that you love, don't actually love you.
And, the jarring experience of so many folks wanting your attention for the wrong reasons...
Or, people that do love you, and altho' you're happy about it, and appreciate it, no matter how many of those persons love you, it doesn't soothe the hurt of the realization that the ones you loved the most, didn't love you back, or actually didn't love you
at all...
It's like the ground falling from beneath you...
-nothing to stand upon......
So, I don't know.... maybe that's partly where my depression started... then, several other misfortunes occurred after that... I was motivated to work on my skills after my shamefully embarrassing return from LA in 2005.... tried to start over again.... and was planning on going to CALARTS. In 2007, I was starting my portfolio again, and working on my skills... many hiccups with that too.... but, the Bailouts happened, and
The Recession hit...
I spent 2008, mostly paralyzed, and cried every day... hiding it from my child...
2009 was really, just, THE WORST.
A number of relationships I just completely shredded, or went nuclear. I went from happy-joy-joy hopeful, HOPE & CHANGE YOU CAN BELIEVE IN to I'M FUCKING ANGRY! I was deathly afraid of "being negative" before... the whole trappings of what I misunderstood as political correctness, but actually wasn't... and, I'd started to address, and call things out.... having to run a business made one VERY abrupt, and astute. And, I could see the BS coming, or had to nip it in the bud... but, I hadn't actually ever applied this logic to relationships... just in parts.... the whole concept of "if someone really loves you" or "if someone really is a true friend" then just a basic scrutiny and it will hold up to truth, or facts, or fess up, or reconcile, or amend... But, there was also the angle of accountability on my end... say, if I knew of immoral, or unethical things that a friend of mine was doing... should I abide by that? Should I pretend it;s not happening? Or, should I say something????
I hasn't realized how much stuff I'd been turning blind eyes to... so, when certain things by those persons were pushing me, pestering me... at first, I wondered: Why am I being like this? Am I being a bad friend???? No... I was suppressing the truth... and it was leaking out of me as anger... and being snippy.
What if your friend was a child predator?
You would, most likely, at first deny it... no... it's not that.... it's not what I'm thinking... it's something else........ then, other things happen.... and also, this person keeps getting away with bad behaviors... Why? -because I keep covering for them.... but why????
And, what if that friend is a manipulator? A fraud? A conman? A humbug? Someone that uses people? Someone that misrepresents them self as oh-so-spiritual... and they also know ur secrets...
I think this is how people get away with these things... because those around them are also being played, mentally... like that whole Penn State thing, or Cosby...
Well, I blew THE FUCK UP!
Back in 2007, when I was trying to get back on track with my dreams... I needed to redo my portfolio for CALARTS... when I needed was croquis sketches... but, Mr. Wnag blundered the class registration and got me the long pose classes, not the quick croquis gesture class.... it was hard enough at the time just to get the money to pay for the class, PLUS drive ALL THE WAY TO CAIMBRIDGE, with a baby in the car, IN THE WINTER, and THE SNOW, just so I could do that... and no refund, and i never found out until it was too late to switch classes...
It was a huge setback, but I was hoping to go to the spring classes, and get it right that time... even tho' he was giving me hell over it... plus, I was going to visit CALARTS since they liked me a lot, and my friends were helping me, and even picked me up at the airport, and drove me, and everything. SO NICE TO ME! I used to get stuff in the mail from CALARTS quite a bit, also.
But, the Recession hit... and everything was in vain, and all for naught...
So, this time, I will get it right, and just DO THE CROQUIS SKETCHES!
I know i said I wanted to do painting.... but, I was also unhappy with my skills doing that as well...
the best fix for it all is doing the croquis... So, that's what I've been doing.
Altho' we did have a holiday weekend, and I have relatives visiting from China, I've been trying to get 1-3 classes per day (if I can) since the end of May.
My proportions are off, my symmetry is off, and my forms and structure are so off. I also need what was referred to as 'lines with confidence" and I don't have that right now...
Croquis sketches are like "zen training" for art, and all things visual.
So, hopefully, in a year from now, not only will I have been attending academic classes at UMASS, but I fully expect my skills to have greatly improved.
I still want to better design my characters again... there are so many scenes I keep seeing inside my mind, but I can't get them to come out onto the paper...
Ergo, the solution is croquis sketches!
Croquis sketches are quick poses that involve a live model, especially a nude one, that can be 30 seconds, 1 min, 2 min, 3-4 min, 5 min, 10 min, or 15 min. Also called "gesture life drawings".
The point is to sketch the entire form and figure as much as you can before the time is up. But, you want to sketch the form and figure in shapes, like stick and bubble figures. Some people do contour line drawings... but that WILL NOT HELP YOU.
Drawing in shapes, and forms, and lines, will help you to visualize the forms and shapes of the anatomy, and anything else, mentally so you don;t have to think about it anymore, and it becomes an automatic process, much like "zen training" such as
Zen archery, zen carpentry, zen nail hammering, zen writing, etc....
Oh! And, ONE MORE THING!
I put my signature BACK to the original signature! I've removed my spouse's surname from my signature. over the course of doing the croquis and butting heads with my spouse over creative differences, I have definitively decided he shall have NO PART IN MY ART WHATSOEVER.
We DO NOT have the same ideas, perspectives, nor TASTES in art AT ALL.... Therefore, he has NO PLACE in my signature, because my art, and may artwork IS MINE!
He also WILL NOT allow me to study for an Art Degree, even tho'
HE IS.
He also thinks I can't pass the GRE...
Well, FUCK THAT!
I'm STILL doing philosophy, AND ART.
And, for ALL the folks whom tease, taunt, and berate me for doing either I DEFY YOU, and will continue to do BOTH to spite you!
An another thing! :D
I've been going to the gym frequently, and my results are starting to show.
