World Environment Day and Dead Tigers & Trafficking in Thailand Temple
This morning, the weather was rainy, and I was was rather uncomfortable, and it was just so hard to get out of bead. All the stretching I did several times throughout the day was as tho' it hasn't happened at all, and all of my muscles, tendons, and ligaments were so sore and tight, and my joints swollen... so, I finally forced myself out of bed once I realized the clock passed 10 AM.... then, I started brewing HOT coffee (since it's a very cold day this morning) even tho' it's JUNE (unthankfully due to climate change), and turned on my computer.... It'sWORLD ENVIRONMENT DAY (and I'm an Environmentalist & Eco-Geek) which I'd completely forgotten.... and I opened my YouTube Subscriptions to THIS:
The headline was "Dozens of dead tiger cubs found at a Buddhist temple in Thailand", and the image its self was disturbing!
Unbelievable!!!! I watched the video in utter disbelief & horror!
After al week getting Buddhists and karma believers shouting down my face over eating meat, and now this! It's like a weird modern version of a corruption story of of the "Xi You Ji" (The Journey West by Wu Cheng En about the Monkey King) where monks or monestaries had become overrun with demons, or officials had become corrupt... only, there were no Guanyin Pusa or Sun Wukong to set it right...
I wanted to know MORE! So, I began investigating the news all over the internet... and BOY did I find it!
Well..... suffice it to say TIGER SKINS were ALSO in the mix. This story got worse and worse the more articles I found. Animal abuse, corrupt monks, tiger meat, tiger body parts, animal trafficking, plus the fact that its Buddhist AND a monastery/temple makes it even MORE loathsome!
Also, I originally had Ao Xingtao with more Tiger motifs than dragons...
I made him more dragon motifs now, but, I think I will utilize them
both now... like those old scrolls in Chinatown Philly with yin/yang
dragon & tiger artwork.
I will probably incorporate some of the tiger motifs again with Ao Xingtao again... and I think it makes the scene with the main villain/antagonist work better now. Also, it separates Xingtao from Djehkäujaa a lot more because I don't want them to be too similar, even tho' they have similar connections that are secrets or unknown.
WARNING CAUTION:
Anyways, the disturbing truth of the news can be found all over the news. here are just a few of the newest articles:
As I'm writing this NOW several other news articles are jumping onto this horrific story!
As an artist, I can't even express what tigers mean to many many artists.
For me, personally, tigers always had a special presence to them. In ancient times, people even thought tigers were gods. being in the presence of a tiger is different than other animals. They have distinct personalities, and even enjoy swimming.
Seeing a tiger REALLY stays with you once you've actually seen one even from a distance. I remember the very first time I went to a zoo with the intent of drawing them with other artists in middle school. There were many many animals. But, drawing the tiger has a whole other look, and feel.
Every single time I go to a zoo, or sanctuary, and see a tiger there's just SOMETHING about them. No other animal has that SOMETHING. No other animal can have that vibrancy in art either, which is why I've often drawn tigers in my artwork. It's almost magical, or majestic.
I recall, back in the 1990s, when I was a big fan of Jackie Chan, one of the major animals he was trying to raise awareness over in Asia to protect was TIGERS. they were on the top of the list. And, I even did a painting based on the photo graphics from his old website.
I hope as not to offend any sense of the tiger lovers here. I've included my artwork as my expression my love for tigers. Please do not conflate the issue as an exploitation of a tragedy to self-promote my work. I'm not even popular at present so it wouldn't make any sense at all anyway.
Therefore, I will not include more than 3 links to my gallery artwork, and just keep them isolated to this blog post. If you wanted to see the full versions of these artworks, you could obviously find them easily on my gallery and searching it there, independently. (I do get questions anyway, if I don't include a link, and if anyone really wanted to find more, its a simple matter of using a search features)
I think this shows the relevance of WHY we have things like WORLD ENVIRONMENT DAY... and yet, on Social media it's all but forgotten... FB has no intention of showing the holiday whatsoever... ALL THE HARD WORK to promote things like this in my youth, and it seems for naught, and all in vain...
I tweeted to Dr. Jill Stein this morning on Twitter a happy World Environment Day (presidential candidate for the Green Party) and I think even she FORGOT it. :(
That's really sad! Must be all the gun violence and insanity of the GOP and people poisoned from lead in the water that everything is decaying... :(
Here are a few things from Twitter:
Are you ready for World Environment Day ? We are at Nanyuki Central Park saying no to illegal wildlife trade pic.twitter.com/uxgECLuYdi
— Dr.GURMEET RAM RAHIM (@Gurmeetramrahim) June 5, 2016
I think this makes it more behooving of me to create my film/story because I feel people NEED IT. There's a VERY BIG Environmental and humanitarian moral to my story... altho' it's Fantasy/Sci-Fi it's a vision of what the world actually COULD BE, or COULD HAVE BEEN, NOW. I feel that so many Sci-Fi stories are about The Future or Futuristic... mine is what the world could be NOW, and what is SHOULD BE.... but, I admit, I'm am also making it a different, or alternate reality of this world, and NOT this world.
It is probably a good thing that I will major in philosophy in the fall. Perhaps I need more studies with Immanuel Kant.
Scanning old vintage sketches, character design, and concept art...
I've torn apart my house looking for my old sketches of Djehkäujaa.
In case you haven't noticed yet, she's a dragon. But, she also has a humanoid form, and there's a reason for that.
Unfortunately, trying to find all my of best work of her is very difficult, and have serious trouble trying to find them!
Luckily, I found some of her character design head sketches.
I've scanned a number of the sketches in high resolution, and I've been cleaning up some, and publishing them to my DeviantArt gallery.
In honor of post the sketches of her her, I'd like to include this song by the German band "Scooter" called "The First Time" which if you listen to the song, the mood is very much an inspiration to this concept work, and her. The mood very much captures some of what I want for my project, in 1 part. Actually, I feel a number of vintage 1990s (Eurodance, techno, trance, electronica) European music (some Japanese inspiration also) inspires me intensely in the creation of this, where as my "Eyewitness" project is more of a UK synth pop music inspiration and some modern fusion stuff from California.
I really loved the old vintage Scooter music, even tho' I believe all of it is good over the years. Their band members have changed a number of times. Usually, their music has the vocals of HP Baxter, but this one does not.
Even tho' I generally have a major major dislike for "Drum N Bass" styles of garage music, this one is more of a Euro Trance style. the mood it has, keeping the composition simple but with layers of sound effects in the arrangement effectively expresses the mood. Also, the female vocal with a foreign accent adds to that haunting & strange yet beautiful mood feeling...
I would also recommend that if you are not sober, to be careful when listening to this song, because it's a very moving experience that you will not experience while sober.
However, I felt I wanted, and the project its self wanted, to have and make an entirely new and original song in a slightly similar style, but totally new and original. I would prefer my new version to probably be either a 2-step rhythm (dub step) instead of drum n base, or just Psy Trance style with 4/4 beats....
Also, I feel I might like a slight touch of Eastern fusion into it...Scooter had a down tempo single "She's The Sun" which had some Eastern fusion in it... but, a totally different style. t.A.t.U. has a slight bit of that Eastern fusion vibe in the song "Stars" If you like Eastern Fusion music, you might like Stellamara or their remixes, or Temple Step Project, or Beats Antique. However, I feel this old Scooter track style and mood fit it better than those which are either too hard, too soft, or a different mood altogether.
If the song and the sketches don't seem to make any sense to you, or seem unrelated, or you don;t understand it. let me put it to you this way:
Imagine you were a dragon all of your life, and then you screwed up really bad, and found yourself totally alone in the desolate wilderness like the plains of Mongolia, far away from anything and anyone familiar to you.... bewildered, lost and confused, and even you were not the same.... your body is not the same.... and, you look down into pond of water and see your face, as not your face.... as a different face that you didn't recognize... No one to help you, no one to recognize you, and nothing will ever be the same ever again.... not even you.
Here are the High Resolution Scans that I somewhat cleaned-up.
These sketches here aren't very good. they're very terrible rough doodles, and they also didn't scan very well either, nor clean-up very well for that matter...
Jump-jump! I jump some more! Jump-jump! Jump off the floor! A little higher! Gonna make it! A little higher! Time to soar! I take it higher! I make it higher! ********* Go forth! A little Further! Reach forth! A little farther! For myself, Spun it 'round! Come on! A glorious sound! Jump-jump! I jumped some more! Jump-jump! Launched off the floor! A little higher! Gonna make it! A little higher! And now I soar! I take it higher! I made it higher!
This one is meant to be more percussion/rhythm based. I'm not entirely positive about what I want to do with it... but, I have some ideas... This one is also for my character Djehkäujaa, but probably in her original dragon form. very highly likely as her original dragon form.
When I was a very young child I was very terrible in my school studies and grades. I had A.D.D., but they didn't test for it. They just said I was "learning disabled". This seems a really strange sort of idea, because I was actually very bright, and today among my peers I'm usually referred to as "the smart one", "egg head", "Geek", "nerd", or even in derogatory as "know-it-all". But I was also highly sensitive (and still am). I have acute senses, such as sight, hearing, sense of smell, and taste, and I was a very finicky child, because my sense of taste and smell were so sensitive that I couldn't handle too much flavors in food, or most strong smells, and chemicals in paints, the gasoline stations, and cleaners would make me VERY SICK with extreme headaches, or severe nausea. My parents told me I was "being overly dramatic", but my English Grandmother, my baby brother, my Aunt, and my daughter also have this. I was easily distracted, and my mind is very busy, and fast, while I can often think about several things, without realizing it simultaneously, and also be hyper aware of things around me in detail, such as birds outside the window, cars that I can hear far away but others can't, and tags on my shirts or pants were so irritating to my skin that I had to cut all of them out as a child. My daughter is the same way, but she has ADHD and has a more acute version of what I have.
I also had a VERY major ability, or habit, to day dream. My day-dreams were so real, and so vivid that I could totally "blank out". I was totally awake, and my ears were aware that I could hear things occurring around me, like inside a classroom, and I could see everything, but my attention and focus would become so immersed in my day dreams as tho' it was real life. I actually KNEW the entire time that I was daydreaming, but I would also day-dream about my actual situation within reality, and my imagination would just run away with it. I would day dream about the desks and chairs growing very tall, and we would have our lesson at the ceiling, or that I could go outside with the birds and squirrels, and fly away with them, or that the classroom became a musical. I could sit still, generally, but I could sometimes fidget. But, I could just NEVER get my school work done, ever. Unless a teacher was doing it with me, I couldn't finish anything..... unless it was interesting, like art.On the bus rides to and from school, I would stare out the window and imagine unicorns running along side the bus, or out in the woods, meadows, etc.
I also doodled on all of my worksheets, papers, and notebooks. I didn't draw on my desk like "naughty kids" did, nor in my text books, because that was "naughty" and according to my religion at the time, that was seriously bad & sinful, because it was vandalism. The Sunday schools I had gone to had scared me so badly, so I never drew in any textbooks, or school property, nor any kinds of graffiti, especially if it was communal or public property which belongs to everyone.
When I was a baby/toddler my parents and family often told about how as a child, I never crawled. I just stood up one day, and started walking. It often seems like a metaphor or theme in my life, because at many points in my life, many things were just skipped over, and I found myself doing things people whom were older than me were doing, or people with more experience were doing. That's kind of because I was a prodigy at many things, even tho' I didn't know it. I couldn't understand why I could do things my peers couldn't or even things most adults also couldn't do. Well, in my Kindergarten they noticed some things about me, and when my Mom told them I never crawled, and just stood up & walked, they were concerned, so they made me do lots of trials, tests, and leave my classroom for "therapy" to make me play games to crawl around. It was thought that this would increase my abilities with hand-eyes coordination.However, being that I could draw exceptionally well, I don't understand why they thought this "hand-eye coordination" thing.
Why would they do this? Well, I had trouble with many letters such as the letter "d" and the letter "b". I couldn't always tell them apart. (I also HATE IT when people write the number 2 like a backwards 6.) I used to write my name as "Zindleman" when it's actually "Zimbleman". I couldn't tell the difference until someone pointed it out to me. Also, my acute sense of sight allows me to fixate on objects better than most people, and I have above average eye sight, however I am more farsighted, meaning I can see very well things far away. The muscles in my eyes that people use to read are the muscles I use to visually see every day. Therefore, I read VERY SLOWLY. The speed at which I can read is about slightly faster than the speed of reading out loud... that's slow. (But that doesn't mean I'm "slow" in the mind at all.) Altho' I tend to be very much a "visual learner", I am also, very much an "audio learner". (In fact, one of my favorite things to do while working on my projects, or art projects since the 2000s was to download free audio recordings or Podcasts of lectures from colleges, universities, or various educational audio records or audio books, and have them play while I was doing my art, or projects, because I could easily learn & absorb the information by ear while doing working with my hands, and doing other things. I think anyone could eventually also learn to do this over time.)
Well, all that testing I did, which was rigorous but disguised as games and playtime, was partly to determine whether I was dyslexic. That was in the early 1980s. And, I was tested several times over the years. They determined, officially, that I was not dyslexic. The trouble is all of the tests were visual, and I am an artist. So, naturally, I passed the tests with flying colors. I found out when I was about 17-18 that I actually was dyslexic, but there was no category for what I had. I'd also discovered that many artists were undiagnosed dyslexics. I don't need glasses to read, but I had reading glasses because reading too much can hurt my eyes, and give me terrible headaches when my eyes become exhausted. But, I often read, especially online.
The other thing I loved very much as a child was Science, especially DINOSAURS! I memorized everything I could about dinosaurs, and I could also pick up vocabulary words very easily. (later in my teens I used this skill to learn languages on my own, and to self learn, or self teach) I could learn music very easily, and played violin, and the recorder (a woodwinds instrument), and briefly played guitar in music class.
By the time I was in 6th grade, I was put in a small experimental class, of 3 girls, and 3 boys in which the girls competed against the boys. It was in that classroom that I realized I was actually much smarter than I thought. I also realized I could out-think, and outscore people in science, or debates in social studies.
It was in those classes that we were motivated to do quite a lot of work, but also on our own. Sure, the teachers, and aids were always there to help us, guide us, or nudge us, but I was often motivated to do it all on my own. I'd done things on my own before, but this really put it into perspective, and in a format. I was also on the Honor Roll frequently by then.
One of the assignments we had was to choose a NONFICTION BOOK of ANY TOPIC and to write an entire report on it. I was very clever... I liked Unicorns, and I found out there were some Nonfiction books about the folklore of unicorns in historical contexts. One of the books was "The Truth About Unicorns" by James Cross Giblin. And, that was when I learned about all the folklore of Unicorns throughout history. (BTW: I got a A++)
Folklore: The Unicorn And The Maiden
Since ancient times allegories were very popular. In Europe in Medieval and Renaissance periods these were exclusively only allowed to be of religious meanings. Anything that was previously pagan would be changed to mean Christian, or Biblical meanings. Many symbols included lions, unicorns, dragons, maidens, the sun, the moon, the stars, swords, Holy Trinity, birds, and many other things.
Specifically the Unicorn allegorically represented the Christ, or Jesus, as well as The Holy Trinity.
A common theme was the unicorn, which mentioned in the Bible was fierce & deadly when provoked, but in the lore of the European Unicorn was that it was male, an innocent. If you wanted to catch one, you needed a Virgin, or Young Maiden, to lure and entice the unicorn. Then, The unicorn would see the maiden, fall in love and wander over to her, and fall asleep with it's head in her lap. Once it was asleep, the unicorn was vulnerable, and could be slain, or captured.
Unicorns were known to preform miracles, such as healing all ailments, transmuting poisons and venoms, and purify the air, water, and food. Thus, the alicorns (the horns of the unicorns) were highly prized for it's magical and divine abilities to allegedly do all of these things. (The alicorns were actually usually tusks from Narwhal wales, elephants, or Rhinoceros.)
Ergo, the slaying of the unicorn was fraught with Romance, and Romantic themes of being "betrayed by love", "innocence", or sacrificed to death to heal humans. Songs, poems, stories, and artwork depicting these themes were common at the time, tho' most are lost forever.
Ye Olde Unicorns of Yore, were always white, hence the religious allegory of Christ. The white symbolized the "pure", "purity", "untainted", "sinless", "virginity", "uncorrupted", "innocence".
Unicorns were often depicted alone, wandering around the wild, and could be depicted as gentle, and elegant, but very fierce when attacked. They had VERY long alicorns (horns) which was supposed to represent the connection to God in the Heavens. The tail was like a lion, and the body was dear-like, with cloven hooves, and a head like a horse. They could also be depicted slightly goat-like as well.
The Maiden could represent those things also, but could also represent Mary, whom was the Virgin Mother of Jesus Christ. These themes are full of all kinds of symbolisms, allegories, and meanings. That style was meant to be that way. And, to look into the artwork was to notice all of the things in the pictures which meant many things. This was how they would "teach", or minister to the illiterate masses.
A film from the 1980s was "Legend" by Ridley Scott (my favorite artistic director) which depicts many of these themes. The luring of the unicorn by a Maiden, innocence, the slaying of a unicorn. Light vs. Darkness, love, etc.
Thus began my own incorporation of this theme into my own artwork.
Unicorns almost always seem to be associated with young maidens, girls, or even children. Well, hopefully NOW you know somewhat about why. If you want to learn more, you can read the book I mentioned above in the blog entry.
In that same book I also learned about other varieties of Unicorns in various cultures, like China & Japan.
Other books which I found were very good: There was an issue in the mid 1980s of a children's magazine called "Cricket" which had many of these folklore stories about many kinds of unicorns throughout world history including Asia. And a similar book called "All About Unicorns" which was also a hardcover Nonfiction book. (I also wrote another report based on that book about a year later.)
This traditional European white unicorn was very apparent with me, and used quite a lot by me, and I was totally fine by it. But, it started to shift to Black Unicorns. I never thought that would happen because I was religious when I was younger, and the ideas about black vs. white seemed concrete... but, all of that shifted when the symbolisms expanded, and changed...
But, I think I shall save THAT for another entry of it's own.
My taste in men has changed since I was a teenager. When I was growing up, I was like most Caucasian American girls in that I was pretty much into the "All American" guy look, or personality... I was a bit confused at times, like in middle school I'd had some attractions to some ethnic guys that I was confused about, but hormones are confusing in your early adolescent years anyway.
I recall being interested originally in what felt familiar to me, meaning Caucasian guys.. you know, the soccer player, the football player, the basket ball player, but then suddenly there would be this really funny comedian guy, or the very smart guy... decisions, decisions... What do I want? What do I like? I think for most girls, they model what they want after some aspect of their fathers, whether they realize it or not... but, culture is also a factor...
I was very interested in my heritage, and when I'd seen the film "Dances With Wolves" about the Lakota Nation, it exposed me to concepts similar to my own heritage as a Native American descendant. Altho', I am an Apache Nation descendent of The Mescalero (or as my Grandfather & his sisters called it "Maskalera"). I recall watching the film over & over with my mother, whom was a VERY big fan of Kevin Costner, she would openly comment about how handsome the long haired, mostly naked, Indian Men actors were. What a concept! I'd never thought about it much until she said something, but then I thought, maybe she's right.
My mother was crazy about my father, but, he was crazy about gardening and hobbies. My mother was a MILF, and no matter who tried to get her attention or flirt with her, she would still always want to be with my father. But, I DID notice that when dark Italian men would flirt with my mother, such as local Pizzeria business owners in tight jeans, with big muscles, and somewhat long hair would flirt with her, she would actually flirt back, especially Sicilians.
For me, I noticed that if what you felt was more attractive to the eyes, if looks mattered, I noticed that guys with dark hair felt more attractive to me. The darker the hair, the more attracted I felt. It's a VERY real feeling, a very REAL attraction, almost magnetic, and the emotion was often times VERY enhanced. Not only that, but when you are interacting with a man in a consensual, intimate manner, just the very sight of his dark hair (especially black) very MUCH enhanced the emotional high (or ecstasy) of the experience and the gratification. Even more so if his skin had some color to it, like a tan, or whatever. Is it something genetic? I don't know.
But, the saying "Tall dark, and handsome" feels WAY better than pasty & pale...
It seems very superficial... don't you think? Looks and all that... but, I suppose our genes are programmed to function a certain way at different periods in our lives. It's this way among animals as well that seek out sexual mates based on looks, or traits, or whatever...
By the time I was in High School, many of the girls I knew (in southern NJ from all over the county since I went to BCIT) were attracted to Puertorican guys. They could have any number of ethnic looks, to very pale skinned, to very dark skinned, or even mixed with African heritage. Usually, most of those guys had dark black curly hair. I was UTTERLY mad over this thick curly, shiny, gorgeous hair. Their eyes, their smiles, their casual ways... and, so were most girls... but, for whatever reason, they were uninterested in me.
I was VERY into a Boy Band "No Mercy" which had 3 super hot young guys. They mostly did cover songs of other dance music tracks, with Spanish Guitar, and dance beats. They are most known for "Where Do You Go?" cover song originally by "La Bouche".
I was also, BIG TIME, into reading Marvel Comic's "X-MEN". Anything, and EVERYTHING!
My favorite character of ALL the X-MEN was a character Kurt Wagner alias "Nightcrawler".
He was this German National that looked like a DEMON, used to be a in circus act as a freak acrobat, could telleport, was bilingual, and despite his Gargoyle/Demon look and fuzzy indigo skin, he was a Christian and even was a Monastery monk at 1 point. The X-MEN themselves were very interesting characters on their own, but this one was my absolute favorite. He had the Dark curly hair, pointed ears, glowing eyes, a long prehensile tail, he could walk on walls like Spider Man. He was a TOTAL gentleman, Happy-go-lucky, friendly, the Welcoming person, the witty joke-maker. He cheered everyone up. He was well read, and he even was a swashbuckler. (So much like the stuff I like! I even took fencing.)
I even had a subscription to "Excalibur" (The British X-MEN team) which Kurt eventually became the leader of.
My favorite depictions of this character were by Alan Davis, whom is my ALL TIME favorite Comic Book "Penciler" Artist EVER! I learned SO MUCH by studying his style. He's SO GOOD!
(The photo I have here of Nightcrawler is ALSO by Alan Davis! ^_^ See how good his work is?)
So, as I was formulating what kinds of Romantic interests I might have
for Lively, it also would depend upon my own personal tastes, which I
could be sure about, but then find something else later on to make me
rethink what I actually liked, or actually wanted...
When I was younger, religion was a big influence on me. But, I would also gravitate to guys which were more intellectual, had some diversity to them, and especially was attracted more & more to foreigners.
Mostly, is started as European men. I'd had just so many very frustrating, disappointing, and hurtful experiences with American White men, that I was very fed-up with them. I was preferring a more Romantic & thoughtful European kind of guy. But, My relationship with my ex in Germany was a long distance one, and after a while, as I went to college, I'd felt his version of religion wasn't working out for me. By 2000/2001, I no longer had an interest in any organized religion, and had been switching to a more "New Age" faith, even tho' I still liked Jesus, or things he'd allegedly taught about Altruism, or Agape. And, like Jesus whom was friends with Marcus The Roman Pagan, I also was friends with numerous Pagans. Remember, Christianity is SUPPOSED to be about Love & Tolerance...
But, in my ex's Lutheran Protestant cult, which was founded dating way back to Martin Luther himself, they STILL made women cover their heads like nuns or Muslims, and dress a certain way like skirts or dresses only, in "assembly". They had rules about what you could, or couldn't watch, and banned TVs, techno, secular films, etc. My ex was 85% deaf, and had hearing aids. Among the deaf community in Germany EVERYONE listens to TECHNO because it's THE ONLY THING THEY CAN ACTUALLY HEAR.
Talk about utter Intolerance! What's with all the rules?
yet, everyone else in Germany was partying with "Free Love", and immodesty, nudism, body pride health, liberal sexuality, etc... "Love Parade", and it was very open, friendly, and loving...
But, there's a whole other chunk of the story I didn't mention yet.
Sex...
Christian religions have too many idiosyncrasies about sex, interpretations, and re-interpretations. Old & New Testament clash with 1 another...
As a teenaged girl, I was often confused about sex. There was stuff in the religion, but then, people would say 1 thing, and do another anyway... or say it in church, and not follow it in real life.... then, there was school, which was very liberal or moderate, and the ideas about sexuality weren't demonized at all... then, there was pop culture which was massively sexualized. There was AIDS, there was a mass campaign in the media to WEAR CONDOMS. There were my peers becoming sexually active at ages 12/13, and talking about how great it was.
I was very scared about sex. I mean, at age 12 & 13, I just wanted to still play with my Barbies, go roller skating, watch Batman cartoons, and have ice cream sundaes. I didn't want to have a boy touch me, or take off my clothes...
When I was in high school, I was 1 of the only virgin girls I knew for a long time. I didn't even start until I was 16, and I was massively disappointed. There I was, day in & day out hearing all of my peers discussing all this great stuff about sex, and yet my own experience was so horrible.
And, my boyfriend in my sophomore year didn't want me. He wanted 1 of my best friends. He also had no sexual interest in me. This happened 3 times in a row. Meanwhile sooooooooo many guys that were interested in me I'd felt no interest in them. I just didn't have any feelings at all...
So, I was even more frightened of sex.... I tried again once with another friend, and another... and, I didn't understand what the problem was. I remember crying in September 1997 after trying with a guy that I had worked briefly with me... There was nothing pleasurable about the experience. And, I couldn't have an orgasm...
I thought there was something wrong with me...
I couldn't understand it, because my body, my hormones, my urges, were all still there... but, intercourse its self was just horrible. I thought my body didn't work, or something was wrong with me.
So, when it came to sexual interaction, I mainly just stayed away from intercourse, and was more interested in petting, hand/finger play, touching, etc. I found that if I was open & upfront about this to a guy that mutually wanted to hook-up with me, that he was totally fine with that, and the experience could be very enjoyable, physically and pleasurably...
During that whole sort of self exploration of getting to know just what exactly I wanted, there was a pattern that came and went whether I'd noticed it or not...
Since I was a kid, I liked to watch action movies about Martial Arts, Kung Fu, and so on... My dad did, my brothers did. We used to watch movies by Belgian action star Jean-Claude Van Damme. We also watched any and every B movie out at the time with Martial Arts. Then, 1 day, my father's friend came to visit him while we were watching Van Damme and he laughed at us. We'd though Van Damme was such a great hero on screen, but this guy just laughed & laughed and talked about how much he stunk.
What???
He told us: No! No! No! If you want to see a real action star, and REAL Martial Artist Master you should go to the video rental store and find movies by Bruce Lee.
Who? What? Huh???
Then, over, and over: Bruce Lee! Bruce Lee this, and Bruce Lee that...
It didn't mean anything to me... I'd seen so many martil arts movies, I thought they were all good. But, what did I know?
Then, one day, my brother found out there was a video rental place that had movies staring Bruce Lee.
So, he got Mom to rent some, and took them home for us to watch.....
OH MY GOD!!!!!
I couldn't believe my eyes!
After that it was Van WHO???
How could anyone stand to watch Van Damme after Bruce Lee?
But, I was really young when that happened. I didn't look at men as sexual objects back then...
Then, when I was in middle school, there was a movie about Bruce Lee called "Dragon; The Bruce Lee Story" staring Jason Scott Lee. It was a movie I'd been looking forward to watching very much. We got it on pay per view, and I watched it over and over.
The 2nd week after I'd gotten it, I was on the bus and the girls were talking about when men (movie stars or pop stars) were the hottest. And, they went through the list... all White men, like 90210 stuff... And, a popular girl, named Amanda blurted out Jason Scott Lee which shocked everyone. Then she went on & on about his body in THAT movie, and how naked he was, and then oddly enough the other girls agreed. It sticks out in my mind so strongly... What a concept!
I remember thinking to myself that I agreed. It was TOTALLY true. The man was incredibly hot! So, when I went home and watched the film again, I was looking at it from a different perspective. The film a had a strong inter racial theme to it anyway... but, the idea that I'd ALSO found this man to be an attractive looking man was something very new to me, and I wasn't the only girl to agree with this idea either.
From the time I was about 15 or 16 there were some Asian guys that had an interest in me. Why me, I don't know... but, at that time, I mostly ignored it, or was oblivious to it... I'd generally had no interest in Asian guys at the time... other than very attractive, muscular, glamorous, nearly naked Asian men on the TV screen. Like Russel Wong in Vanishing Son.
I'd dated a Korean guy when I was 17, but he was sort of crazy in the head, and it didn't go well. And, I didn't know if I wanted to date Asian guys, or not.
But, by the time I began working at a movie theater in the summer on 1997 just before I'd turned 18, I took a look around and took notice of my VERY attractive Asian male coworkers. They didn't behave like the stereotypes either. Very funny, easy-going, sometimes cocky, but even talked about deep thinking, current events, music, culture and more.... You're supposed to "be professional" on the job, but it was so good to work with such fun & friendly people anyway. Every day was great because you can be among such sexy guys, and never feel nervous to talk to them... That job was full of a diverse group of persons. And, I loved them all...
I was on the fence. You're not supposed to do anything with your coworkers, really, even tho' there were 2 couples that worked there, and several persons dated each other. I was against it. I'd also had a boyfriend in Germany. My whole reason to work there was to raise the money to go to Germany....
But, temptations still happen...
I couldn't decide what I wanted, if I wanted it or not, or if I should just stick to my principle...
But, when a man wants something, he will come at it in full force, over & over, persistently... And, man, did he ever!
He was crazy, you know... mental... not right in the head at times... then, add on hormones... volatile, unpredictable...
I could resist, resist, resist... and then, suddenly, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN???
Stupid! Brash! Jerk!
And, then, somehow, I'm in his arms again!
Or...
In the dark!
Vulnerable...
All alone!
I hate him! I hate him! I hate him!
But, then... my dreams betray me...
My thoughts betray me....
And, when he clutches me, my own body betrays me...
Everyone loved him too. At work he had everyone believe he was an easy-go-lucky person, an Alpha Male, and the most popular person there. Everyone wanted to BE HIM, be LIKE him, and be around him... and, I couldn't help it either...
I was utterly INSANE about him, but utterly in denial over it...
And, yet, when he was alone with me, he was someone else in at least 2 variations of extremes... the very intense predator, to the very meek & timid wounded being... and, he could switch from one to the other at any moment... There was just something about his eyes, the way he looked at me... not anyone else... and his smile.
But, his approach to me was all wrong...
I wasn't the only one either...
-and, I feel utterly used, deceived, and womanized.
Then, one day he just up & left...
He'd gone out of his way to make everyone think he's cared about them, missed, them, etc... only years later to tell me what he really actually thought of them all, point blank....
Before he left, he even cried to me, and told me he loved me...
How the heck did I ever fall for that?
How did I actually ever think this person was my friend? Or that he'd cared about me, or anyone else?
I wasn't a friend to him, in his mind... not someone he'd actually loved, or cared about... I wasn't even a human being to him, let alone even a person....
I was just a thing to him...
His idea of being respectful to me is not talking about it... covering it up, etc... But, I think a real motive for not telling about it is because it implicates him, and guilt...
Ironically, this guy used to beg me to have sex with him, and pressure, and so on... but, whenever I'd either consent to it, or actually want to, he would change his mind. Then, he said he just wanted to hold me, so I lay they with him in my arms while he was shaking. The whole thing was ridiculous.
Why he could NEVER keep plans with me, but make plans and hang out with others, ALWAYS stood me up, and NEVER kept a promise to me, yet be good to everyone else is beyond me. But, whenever he on the spot wanted attention from me, he'd pressure me until I gave in, filled up my in-box with letters either pestering me, or just being foolish. And the ONLY 2 times he's actually showed up on a plan with me, was BECAUSE I NAGGED HIM.
Yet, with him was many, many firsts for me... none of which were an orgasm...
The first time I was alone with him, after he'd annoyed me to death, I finally asked him to. But, he was utterly afraid, and scared out of his mind once I was finally alone with him. So, I didn't know what to do other than massage his shoulders, which was what he'd said he wanted, and agreed to. But, after a long time alone with him like that, he went through the very first time I would notice him "switching" and he became this other man. He turned around and looked at me, in my eyes, then he said "Come here." But, I did nothing. Then, he abruptly grabbed me, and kissed me. I was really scared. And, after he kissed me, he began tearing my clothes off. This sort of became his signature, in how he could remove clothing very quickly in just a few really violent tugs, pushing & pulling me very roughly. And, then, he would ask me several questions, like whether I liked it, or him, and so on, constantly asserting a power dynamic, which was utterly terrifying. And, yet, somehow, he could work me up into not only liking him, but enjoying him.
At one point, he asked me "Did you come?" which I didn't understand. I had only ever heard this word used for men before. I was either too young, or too inexperienced. But, he kept asking me. I didn't know what to say because he seemed to value whatever it meant, so I said "yes". But, I can tell you the truth was actually "no" because I am old enough NOW to understand what it means.
When I was in college, age 19, I started to date a Vietnamese playboy bodybuilder in Graphic Arts at my school. (He was also a martial artist, flower gardener, and a sushi chef) And, that was my very first orgasm. Several actually. "The Big O."
I would go with him each night for about 2 months, and go at it for hours, several times in a row until about 4-5AM, go to sleep then wake up a few hours later, shower, and go to classes, then go meet him again for dinner and do it all over again. Where I got all the energy to do that is beyond me...But, it's totally true. TOTALLY.
Then, I dated more frequently on a casual manner. I dated several types of ethnic or foreign men. This 1 guy was hell-bent on marrying me, which I gave-in to marry eventually which was the WORST decision EVER. He turned into someone else once I married him, and he left n went to Oklahoma, and used me to get his parents to come here from China. He was mentally ill, so i can pardon him for having a medical issue... but, he abused me terribly, and also would try to use religion there as well, but went around fucking whomever he wanted in less than a full week. But, what can I say? A person of sound mind & body, let alone self respect, wouldn't behave that way, right?
When I married that guy, it was like every man in the world was trying to get me to hook-up with them. I even had a wedding ring, and told them; "I'm married.' to which they're reply: 'He doesn't have to know." which would piss me off! The wedding ring used to burn my skin also...
But, once I divorced him, it was as tho' since this guy didn't want me, then no-one else did for about 3 months. Even my female friends barely spoke to me.....
But, then, I went into online dating, which back then, people thought was "scarey" or unsafe, and NOW EVERYONE DOES IT!!!!! Go fig'! I used mostly "Yahoo! Dating" personals, or "Asian Friend Finder". I made sure never to date a religious man EVER AGAIN, because it was always a lie, or he had some kind of issue and wanted to USE his scripture to control me, but never abide by it for himself...
So, I went wild dating. I would have up to 2 different dates per day depending on whether I had classes, or it was a weekend. I went to casinos, night clubs, dance Clubs, and men would drive, fly, or take a train to see me from all up & down the east Coast, or even people visiting from over seas to the local universities. I liked Asian men best, especially Chinese, and especially if they were educated and born over seas that were either attending university or had an established career. back then, not many women were interested in Asian men, so I had the pick of the litter. I even made videos on YouTube about it in my 20s. Now, if I go back to Philly it's very common to see interracial dating of Asian men with non-Asian women.
By the time I was booking so many dates to my heart's content I couldn't give a shit whether this or that guy NOW wanted me.... it was too late, and I blew them all off. Good-bye!
If a man REALLY wants you he'll give it a really good persistent try. If not, then don't bother with him.
So, if you're wondering what I like? Well, I definitely LIKE MEN.
I like men that can behave themselves, have self control, have AT LEAST my level of IQ, OR HIGHER, otherwise I find I just can't respect him if all he cares about is JUST Football or sports. I like men that have an actual understanding of ethics & philosophy, and Not some made-up blanket version of a concept that somehow 'virtue' only means what does or doesn't happen between a woman's legs, and WHO does it to her. Because I ACTUALLY know what a "virtue" is, as well as it's antithesis being a "vice".
At the same time, I ALSO don't like men that are rigid, strict, inflexible, arrogant, or stuck on themselves. I like genuine, tried & true persons, but can keep secrets. I like a balance of playfulness, witty, sense of humor, but NOT obnoxious, a sense of humbleness, but not a coward. I especially like activists, and civil disobedients, men that are clever, kind, and have the right balance of gentleness & strength especially inside of their minds. I don't like men that are aloof, doofy, smokers, reckless, drug dealers, addicts, thieves, or frauds. I like intellectuals, deep thinkers, creative & artistic, as well as musical including DJs, or tech savvy folks, including programmers so long as they're not douchey pricks.
So, anyways... I haven't entirely decided on a perfect guy for Lively yet... I don't want her with some jerk that uses her, nor one that neglects her.
Every single time I go to a zoo, or sanctuary, and see a tiger there's just SOMETHING about them. No other animal has that SOMETHING. No other animal can have that vibrancy in art either, which is why I've often drawn tigers in my artwork. It's almost magical, or majestic.
