I reworked, re-painted, re-colored, and edited this in Adobe Photoshop CC 2018 & Adobe After Effects CC 2018 last week.
Some are longer Meditative loops, and it's basically my process as I was tweaking it:
Here's the original version I did several years ago:
I was suffering from very bad depression, AKA Heartbreak, and around 2009 was when I was going through some major changes within myself. That year I'd realized that many persons whom I'd believed were my friends, were not actually friends, but "friends", or fake friends. I'd also been going through some doubts about whatever my beliefs were, or what I'd thought they were. I'd already known that the government and political system was already flawed and broken, and you didn't need to watch X-FILES to know that... but, the new president at the time, whom I was very happy to have elected, had broken several of his promises, but talking about that made you persona non grata. It was also the aftermath of the Bail-Outs and the economic meltdown. I'd wanted to be at CAL-ARTS by that time, but was screwed by the economy. Since governments, relationships, society, and even history came into question, things like religion, spirituality, and theology also did.... things just weren't adding up.... accountability was an actual thing. And, I became very enamored with Philosophy, ethics, and epistemology.
I remembered sitting at out cart/kiosk in the mall, with my sketchbook, trying in vain to sketch something. ANYTHING! And, NOTHING came out. It was THE MOST depressing thing! To be an artist, and award winning one, and not being able to draw. I cried EVERY DAY and at night. And, the ache was in EVERYTHING. Sometimes, I didn't eat.
I had NOTHING to look forward to, and all ANYONE ever had to say about ANYTHING was: Your daughter -blah-blah-blah... that NEVER cheered me up. It's a VERY sexist assumption, and I don't know whether it's worse from women or from men... but, I got it on all sides. Then, out of nowhere, I gave up sketching, and just randomly doodled something only to have THIS show up on my paper.
I'd used this artwork for an album cover on 8Tracks.
If you would like to create your own experimental graphic with these, color it in Photoshop, or print out and hand-color whether for fun, practice, or educational purposes you MAY do that, but NOT FOR PROFIT. I did license the sketch versions to the Creative Commons so you could do that.
I've spent quite a lot of time, effort, and development on this character, and I think he's coming along nicely. I'm still trying to work on developing and finalizing his look for probably a long while.
I think I would like to go with a long face/skull look, like the sage/zheren/scholar old cultural look, but I don't think I will keep him with long hair throughout the story, and have him cut it. (Sometimes in the cinema the nerd stereotype Asian is the long face/skull type but with glasses)
I also still want his skin to change, like winter pale, and summer tan.
I've been getting more positive feedback on this name than I was expecting. I was seariously dreading getting a lot of spiteful hateful people.
Coming up with this name was such a difficult task!
I spent a long time working on these Chinese calligraphy names graphics:
Found some old rough sketches. Just some rough, unfinished, or rough doodles. Not that great, actually... but, I figured I'd scan them for the heck of it...
It's all very rough, unrefined.
Anyways, I have rethought this stuff several times over... and I already have something reforming in my mind...
I don't have a set look for a love interest for Lively... I've redesigned it many times over, over the years. I think I should do more than one. And, I feel this aspect, for me, kinda has an almost European feel or vibe to it... meaning, the way European culture would portray the moods or presentations of the subject matter...
I think I prefer a more European presentation because of the subtleties and nuances.... like old comics from France, Belgium, or old German teen magazines... Not to dis Asian comics or novels, or American Comics etc.... I just don't care for their way of conveying moods or imagery... I feel that some Japanese or Chinese stuff is either too raunchy or to sappy or too emo or tragic... and never had a satisfactory ending...
American stuff usually leaves a lot of meaningful parts out, has way to much censorship, or cuts to the chase too fast, or drags things out too comically...
But, European styles of addressing emotions, intimacy, and even sexuality is much more beautiful, tasteful, and uncensored but not disgusting, or crude.
My taste in men has changed since I was a teenager. When I was growing up, I was like most Caucasian American girls in that I was pretty much into the "All American" guy look, or personality... I was a bit confused at times, like in middle school I'd had some attractions to some ethnic guys that I was confused about, but hormones are confusing in your early adolescent years anyway.
I recall being interested originally in what felt familiar to me, meaning Caucasian guys.. you know, the soccer player, the football player, the basket ball player, but then suddenly there would be this really funny comedian guy, or the very smart guy... decisions, decisions... What do I want? What do I like? I think for most girls, they model what they want after some aspect of their fathers, whether they realize it or not... but, culture is also a factor...
I was very interested in my heritage, and when I'd seen the film "Dances With Wolves" about the Lakota Nation, it exposed me to concepts similar to my own heritage as a Native American descendant. Altho', I am an Apache Nation descendent of The Mescalero (or as my Grandfather & his sisters called it "Maskalera"). I recall watching the film over & over with my mother, whom was a VERY big fan of Kevin Costner, she would openly comment about how handsome the long haired, mostly naked, Indian Men actors were. What a concept! I'd never thought about it much until she said something, but then I thought, maybe she's right.
My mother was crazy about my father, but, he was crazy about gardening and hobbies. My mother was a MILF, and no matter who tried to get her attention or flirt with her, she would still always want to be with my father. But, I DID notice that when dark Italian men would flirt with my mother, such as local Pizzeria business owners in tight jeans, with big muscles, and somewhat long hair would flirt with her, she would actually flirt back, especially Sicilians.
For me, I noticed that if what you felt was more attractive to the eyes, if looks mattered, I noticed that guys with dark hair felt more attractive to me. The darker the hair, the more attracted I felt. It's a VERY real feeling, a very REAL attraction, almost magnetic, and the emotion was often times VERY enhanced. Not only that, but when you are interacting with a man in a consensual, intimate manner, just the very sight of his dark hair (especially black) very MUCH enhanced the emotional high (or ecstasy) of the experience and the gratification. Even more so if his skin had some color to it, like a tan, or whatever. Is it something genetic? I don't know.
But, the saying "Tall dark, and handsome" feels WAY better than pasty & pale...
It seems very superficial... don't you think? Looks and all that... but, I suppose our genes are programmed to function a certain way at different periods in our lives. It's this way among animals as well that seek out sexual mates based on looks, or traits, or whatever...
By the time I was in High School, many of the girls I knew (in southern NJ from all over the county since I went to BCIT) were attracted to Puertorican guys. They could have any number of ethnic looks, to very pale skinned, to very dark skinned, or even mixed with African heritage. Usually, most of those guys had dark black curly hair. I was UTTERLY mad over this thick curly, shiny, gorgeous hair. Their eyes, their smiles, their casual ways... and, so were most girls... but, for whatever reason, they were uninterested in me.
I was VERY into a Boy Band "No Mercy" which had 3 super hot young guys. They mostly did cover songs of other dance music tracks, with Spanish Guitar, and dance beats. They are most known for "Where Do You Go?" cover song originally by "La Bouche".
I was also, BIG TIME, into reading Marvel Comic's "X-MEN". Anything, and EVERYTHING!
My favorite character of ALL the X-MEN was a character Kurt Wagner alias "Nightcrawler".
He was this German National that looked like a DEMON, used to be a in circus act as a freak acrobat, could telleport, was bilingual, and despite his Gargoyle/Demon look and fuzzy indigo skin, he was a Christian and even was a Monastery monk at 1 point. The X-MEN themselves were very interesting characters on their own, but this one was my absolute favorite. He had the Dark curly hair, pointed ears, glowing eyes, a long prehensile tail, he could walk on walls like Spider Man. He was a TOTAL gentleman, Happy-go-lucky, friendly, the Welcoming person, the witty joke-maker. He cheered everyone up. He was well read, and he even was a swashbuckler. (So much like the stuff I like! I even took fencing.)
I even had a subscription to "Excalibur" (The British X-MEN team) which Kurt eventually became the leader of.
My favorite depictions of this character were by Alan Davis, whom is my ALL TIME favorite Comic Book "Penciler" Artist EVER! I learned SO MUCH by studying his style. He's SO GOOD!
(The photo I have here of Nightcrawler is ALSO by Alan Davis! ^_^ See how good his work is?)
So, as I was formulating what kinds of Romantic interests I might have
for Lively, it also would depend upon my own personal tastes, which I
could be sure about, but then find something else later on to make me
rethink what I actually liked, or actually wanted...
When I was younger, religion was a big influence on me. But, I would also gravitate to guys which were more intellectual, had some diversity to them, and especially was attracted more & more to foreigners.
Mostly, is started as European men. I'd had just so many very frustrating, disappointing, and hurtful experiences with American White men, that I was very fed-up with them. I was preferring a more Romantic & thoughtful European kind of guy. But, My relationship with my ex in Germany was a long distance one, and after a while, as I went to college, I'd felt his version of religion wasn't working out for me. By 2000/2001, I no longer had an interest in any organized religion, and had been switching to a more "New Age" faith, even tho' I still liked Jesus, or things he'd allegedly taught about Altruism, or Agape. And, like Jesus whom was friends with Marcus The Roman Pagan, I also was friends with numerous Pagans. Remember, Christianity is SUPPOSED to be about Love & Tolerance...
But, in my ex's Lutheran Protestant cult, which was founded dating way back to Martin Luther himself, they STILL made women cover their heads like nuns or Muslims, and dress a certain way like skirts or dresses only, in "assembly". They had rules about what you could, or couldn't watch, and banned TVs, techno, secular films, etc. My ex was 85% deaf, and had hearing aids. Among the deaf community in Germany EVERYONE listens to TECHNO because it's THE ONLY THING THEY CAN ACTUALLY HEAR.
Talk about utter Intolerance! What's with all the rules?
yet, everyone else in Germany was partying with "Free Love", and immodesty, nudism, body pride health, liberal sexuality, etc... "Love Parade", and it was very open, friendly, and loving...
But, there's a whole other chunk of the story I didn't mention yet.
Sex...
Christian religions have too many idiosyncrasies about sex, interpretations, and re-interpretations. Old & New Testament clash with 1 another...
As a teenaged girl, I was often confused about sex. There was stuff in the religion, but then, people would say 1 thing, and do another anyway... or say it in church, and not follow it in real life.... then, there was school, which was very liberal or moderate, and the ideas about sexuality weren't demonized at all... then, there was pop culture which was massively sexualized. There was AIDS, there was a mass campaign in the media to WEAR CONDOMS. There were my peers becoming sexually active at ages 12/13, and talking about how great it was.
I was very scared about sex. I mean, at age 12 & 13, I just wanted to still play with my Barbies, go roller skating, watch Batman cartoons, and have ice cream sundaes. I didn't want to have a boy touch me, or take off my clothes...
When I was in high school, I was 1 of the only virgin girls I knew for a long time. I didn't even start until I was 16, and I was massively disappointed. There I was, day in & day out hearing all of my peers discussing all this great stuff about sex, and yet my own experience was so horrible.
And, my boyfriend in my sophomore year didn't want me. He wanted 1 of my best friends. He also had no sexual interest in me. This happened 3 times in a row. Meanwhile sooooooooo many guys that were interested in me I'd felt no interest in them. I just didn't have any feelings at all...
So, I was even more frightened of sex.... I tried again once with another friend, and another... and, I didn't understand what the problem was. I remember crying in September 1997 after trying with a guy that I had worked briefly with me... There was nothing pleasurable about the experience. And, I couldn't have an orgasm...
I thought there was something wrong with me...
I couldn't understand it, because my body, my hormones, my urges, were all still there... but, intercourse its self was just horrible. I thought my body didn't work, or something was wrong with me.
So, when it came to sexual interaction, I mainly just stayed away from intercourse, and was more interested in petting, hand/finger play, touching, etc. I found that if I was open & upfront about this to a guy that mutually wanted to hook-up with me, that he was totally fine with that, and the experience could be very enjoyable, physically and pleasurably...
During that whole sort of self exploration of getting to know just what exactly I wanted, there was a pattern that came and went whether I'd noticed it or not...
Since I was a kid, I liked to watch action movies about Martial Arts, Kung Fu, and so on... My dad did, my brothers did. We used to watch movies by Belgian action star Jean-Claude Van Damme. We also watched any and every B movie out at the time with Martial Arts. Then, 1 day, my father's friend came to visit him while we were watching Van Damme and he laughed at us. We'd though Van Damme was such a great hero on screen, but this guy just laughed & laughed and talked about how much he stunk.
What???
He told us: No! No! No! If you want to see a real action star, and REAL Martial Artist Master you should go to the video rental store and find movies by Bruce Lee.
Who? What? Huh???
Then, over, and over: Bruce Lee! Bruce Lee this, and Bruce Lee that...
It didn't mean anything to me... I'd seen so many martil arts movies, I thought they were all good. But, what did I know?
Then, one day, my brother found out there was a video rental place that had movies staring Bruce Lee.
So, he got Mom to rent some, and took them home for us to watch.....
OH MY GOD!!!!!
I couldn't believe my eyes!
After that it was Van WHO???
How could anyone stand to watch Van Damme after Bruce Lee?
But, I was really young when that happened. I didn't look at men as sexual objects back then...
Then, when I was in middle school, there was a movie about Bruce Lee called "Dragon; The Bruce Lee Story" staring Jason Scott Lee. It was a movie I'd been looking forward to watching very much. We got it on pay per view, and I watched it over and over.
The 2nd week after I'd gotten it, I was on the bus and the girls were talking about when men (movie stars or pop stars) were the hottest. And, they went through the list... all White men, like 90210 stuff... And, a popular girl, named Amanda blurted out Jason Scott Lee which shocked everyone. Then she went on & on about his body in THAT movie, and how naked he was, and then oddly enough the other girls agreed. It sticks out in my mind so strongly... What a concept!
I remember thinking to myself that I agreed. It was TOTALLY true. The man was incredibly hot! So, when I went home and watched the film again, I was looking at it from a different perspective. The film a had a strong inter racial theme to it anyway... but, the idea that I'd ALSO found this man to be an attractive looking man was something very new to me, and I wasn't the only girl to agree with this idea either.
From the time I was about 15 or 16 there were some Asian guys that had an interest in me. Why me, I don't know... but, at that time, I mostly ignored it, or was oblivious to it... I'd generally had no interest in Asian guys at the time... other than very attractive, muscular, glamorous, nearly naked Asian men on the TV screen. Like Russel Wong in Vanishing Son.
I'd dated a Korean guy when I was 17, but he was sort of crazy in the head, and it didn't go well. And, I didn't know if I wanted to date Asian guys, or not.
But, by the time I began working at a movie theater in the summer on 1997 just before I'd turned 18, I took a look around and took notice of my VERY attractive Asian male coworkers. They didn't behave like the stereotypes either. Very funny, easy-going, sometimes cocky, but even talked about deep thinking, current events, music, culture and more.... You're supposed to "be professional" on the job, but it was so good to work with such fun & friendly people anyway. Every day was great because you can be among such sexy guys, and never feel nervous to talk to them... That job was full of a diverse group of persons. And, I loved them all...
I was on the fence. You're not supposed to do anything with your coworkers, really, even tho' there were 2 couples that worked there, and several persons dated each other. I was against it. I'd also had a boyfriend in Germany. My whole reason to work there was to raise the money to go to Germany....
But, temptations still happen...
I couldn't decide what I wanted, if I wanted it or not, or if I should just stick to my principle...
But, when a man wants something, he will come at it in full force, over & over, persistently... And, man, did he ever!
He was crazy, you know... mental... not right in the head at times... then, add on hormones... volatile, unpredictable...
I could resist, resist, resist... and then, suddenly, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN???
Stupid! Brash! Jerk!
And, then, somehow, I'm in his arms again!
Or...
In the dark!
Vulnerable...
All alone!
I hate him! I hate him! I hate him!
But, then... my dreams betray me...
My thoughts betray me....
And, when he clutches me, my own body betrays me...
Everyone loved him too. At work he had everyone believe he was an easy-go-lucky person, an Alpha Male, and the most popular person there. Everyone wanted to BE HIM, be LIKE him, and be around him... and, I couldn't help it either...
I was utterly INSANE about him, but utterly in denial over it...
And, yet, when he was alone with me, he was someone else in at least 2 variations of extremes... the very intense predator, to the very meek & timid wounded being... and, he could switch from one to the other at any moment... There was just something about his eyes, the way he looked at me... not anyone else... and his smile.
But, his approach to me was all wrong...
I wasn't the only one either...
-and, I feel utterly used, deceived, and womanized.
Then, one day he just up & left...
He'd gone out of his way to make everyone think he's cared about them, missed, them, etc... only years later to tell me what he really actually thought of them all, point blank....
Before he left, he even cried to me, and told me he loved me...
How the heck did I ever fall for that?
How did I actually ever think this person was my friend? Or that he'd cared about me, or anyone else?
I wasn't a friend to him, in his mind... not someone he'd actually loved, or cared about... I wasn't even a human being to him, let alone even a person....
I was just a thing to him...
His idea of being respectful to me is not talking about it... covering it up, etc... But, I think a real motive for not telling about it is because it implicates him, and guilt...
Ironically, this guy used to beg me to have sex with him, and pressure, and so on... but, whenever I'd either consent to it, or actually want to, he would change his mind. Then, he said he just wanted to hold me, so I lay they with him in my arms while he was shaking. The whole thing was ridiculous.
Why he could NEVER keep plans with me, but make plans and hang out with others, ALWAYS stood me up, and NEVER kept a promise to me, yet be good to everyone else is beyond me. But, whenever he on the spot wanted attention from me, he'd pressure me until I gave in, filled up my in-box with letters either pestering me, or just being foolish. And the ONLY 2 times he's actually showed up on a plan with me, was BECAUSE I NAGGED HIM.
Yet, with him was many, many firsts for me... none of which were an orgasm...
The first time I was alone with him, after he'd annoyed me to death, I finally asked him to. But, he was utterly afraid, and scared out of his mind once I was finally alone with him. So, I didn't know what to do other than massage his shoulders, which was what he'd said he wanted, and agreed to. But, after a long time alone with him like that, he went through the very first time I would notice him "switching" and he became this other man. He turned around and looked at me, in my eyes, then he said "Come here." But, I did nothing. Then, he abruptly grabbed me, and kissed me. I was really scared. And, after he kissed me, he began tearing my clothes off. This sort of became his signature, in how he could remove clothing very quickly in just a few really violent tugs, pushing & pulling me very roughly. And, then, he would ask me several questions, like whether I liked it, or him, and so on, constantly asserting a power dynamic, which was utterly terrifying. And, yet, somehow, he could work me up into not only liking him, but enjoying him.
At one point, he asked me "Did you come?" which I didn't understand. I had only ever heard this word used for men before. I was either too young, or too inexperienced. But, he kept asking me. I didn't know what to say because he seemed to value whatever it meant, so I said "yes". But, I can tell you the truth was actually "no" because I am old enough NOW to understand what it means.
When I was in college, age 19, I started to date a Vietnamese playboy bodybuilder in Graphic Arts at my school. (He was also a martial artist, flower gardener, and a sushi chef) And, that was my very first orgasm. Several actually. "The Big O."
I would go with him each night for about 2 months, and go at it for hours, several times in a row until about 4-5AM, go to sleep then wake up a few hours later, shower, and go to classes, then go meet him again for dinner and do it all over again. Where I got all the energy to do that is beyond me...But, it's totally true. TOTALLY.
Then, I dated more frequently on a casual manner. I dated several types of ethnic or foreign men. This 1 guy was hell-bent on marrying me, which I gave-in to marry eventually which was the WORST decision EVER. He turned into someone else once I married him, and he left n went to Oklahoma, and used me to get his parents to come here from China. He was mentally ill, so i can pardon him for having a medical issue... but, he abused me terribly, and also would try to use religion there as well, but went around fucking whomever he wanted in less than a full week. But, what can I say? A person of sound mind & body, let alone self respect, wouldn't behave that way, right?
When I married that guy, it was like every man in the world was trying to get me to hook-up with them. I even had a wedding ring, and told them; "I'm married.' to which they're reply: 'He doesn't have to know." which would piss me off! The wedding ring used to burn my skin also...
But, once I divorced him, it was as tho' since this guy didn't want me, then no-one else did for about 3 months. Even my female friends barely spoke to me.....
But, then, I went into online dating, which back then, people thought was "scarey" or unsafe, and NOW EVERYONE DOES IT!!!!! Go fig'! I used mostly "Yahoo! Dating" personals, or "Asian Friend Finder". I made sure never to date a religious man EVER AGAIN, because it was always a lie, or he had some kind of issue and wanted to USE his scripture to control me, but never abide by it for himself...
So, I went wild dating. I would have up to 2 different dates per day depending on whether I had classes, or it was a weekend. I went to casinos, night clubs, dance Clubs, and men would drive, fly, or take a train to see me from all up & down the east Coast, or even people visiting from over seas to the local universities. I liked Asian men best, especially Chinese, and especially if they were educated and born over seas that were either attending university or had an established career. back then, not many women were interested in Asian men, so I had the pick of the litter. I even made videos on YouTube about it in my 20s. Now, if I go back to Philly it's very common to see interracial dating of Asian men with non-Asian women.
By the time I was booking so many dates to my heart's content I couldn't give a shit whether this or that guy NOW wanted me.... it was too late, and I blew them all off. Good-bye!
If a man REALLY wants you he'll give it a really good persistent try. If not, then don't bother with him.
So, if you're wondering what I like? Well, I definitely LIKE MEN.
I like men that can behave themselves, have self control, have AT LEAST my level of IQ, OR HIGHER, otherwise I find I just can't respect him if all he cares about is JUST Football or sports. I like men that have an actual understanding of ethics & philosophy, and Not some made-up blanket version of a concept that somehow 'virtue' only means what does or doesn't happen between a woman's legs, and WHO does it to her. Because I ACTUALLY know what a "virtue" is, as well as it's antithesis being a "vice".
At the same time, I ALSO don't like men that are rigid, strict, inflexible, arrogant, or stuck on themselves. I like genuine, tried & true persons, but can keep secrets. I like a balance of playfulness, witty, sense of humor, but NOT obnoxious, a sense of humbleness, but not a coward. I especially like activists, and civil disobedients, men that are clever, kind, and have the right balance of gentleness & strength especially inside of their minds. I don't like men that are aloof, doofy, smokers, reckless, drug dealers, addicts, thieves, or frauds. I like intellectuals, deep thinkers, creative & artistic, as well as musical including DJs, or tech savvy folks, including programmers so long as they're not douchey pricks.
So, anyways... I haven't entirely decided on a perfect guy for Lively yet... I don't want her with some jerk that uses her, nor one that neglects her.
I reworked, re-painted, re-colored, and edited this in Adobe Photoshop CC 2018 & Adobe After Effects CC 2018 last week.
