I've been doodling, practicing, and sketching up all kinds of studies of foxes for a while now. My time is so screwy, because my kid keeps having off the wall medical problems EVERY DAMNED WEEK. Today, she got worms! Yesterday she had severe nosebleeds that grossed out the teachers, and they made her go home after the 4th or 5th gush. But, we fixed that up with VITAMIN C + antioxidants like I SAID, really fast, only to find out she got parasites, all that PLUS she her shipment of blood meds arriving the day before that, and a hospital visit the previous days before that... This is NOT the way I EVER planned to live, DID NOT expect, nor EVER intend to live, and yet it keeps ongoing... I just want to get my film done for UMASS which is supposed to be screened on the 20th, plus I have to take her to a doctor tomorrow, fit work in somehow, and THEN go to an event at night... If I COULD edit videos at home, I WOULD. But, my 2009 comp + video cards, plus 4 year old Apple laptop can;t edit HD videos in Davinci Resolve, and i don;t have Adobe CS. Honestly, if she doesn;t stop having these medical problems by next semester i WILL drop out. I CANNOT HANDLE THIS. I'm PAST MY LIMIT. This is EVERY FRICKIN WEEK MORE THAN ONE THING. Either her, or me, or SOMETHING else. Also, my credit card numbers got robbed this week as well.
So, since I can't edit videos at home, and can ONLY do it at school, and I was just SO tapped out today I couldn't go, I can;t work on my film until HOPEFULLY MONDAY. I say HOPEFULLY because the last 2 Mondays I COULD NOT MAKE IT TO SCHOOL.... because she's dying of whatever else... shock- horror- drama- I'm FED UP! Ergo, when I go through periods where I'm at home, stuck here, and can;t do ANYTHING, because those happen too... and I HATE feeling, or being unproductive after a certain point.... yeah, most of today I sat and watched YouTube & Snapchat... ERGO: I'm working on designing the wild fox character for the storyboards I HOPE to do after I'm done with my film...
Mostly I'm just practicing from various references, trying to come up with my own original design... I've been trying to sketch actual photos of foxes on Google, which too many are fluffy winter foxes. My scene is SUMMERY so I need a SUMMER COAT FOX which is slender.
When I reference other artists, animators, and cartoonists, they all tend to draw foxes with stubby legs, weasel-like, too dog-like, too cat-like, or some look doofy. Altho' I loved some really good designs out there, they just weren't true to what fox actually looked like. Foxes actually have long, slender, spindly legs. many artists also try to portray the fox with their heads and necks down, but real foxes have upright heads UNLIKE a weasel, and their necks jut either strait up, or with a slight angle. But, ALWAYS upright.
Some really nice designs I found when trying to see how other artists interpreted a fox for animation was a nice one on a blog by Toni REYNA. And, a FAVORITE of mine was by TheUrbanFOX on DeviantART. But, like I said, i need to come up with my OWN design.
So, I'm still trying to go with the whole Preston Blair formula style with geometric shapes, stylized, yet still semi-realistic, yet simplified.
So far, most of the sketches I've done have been more of a practice sketching and doodling to try and get to know and understand what a fox is, how it looks, but also what makes it look cool as a cartoon. Real foxes also have a very strong personality, and every move and gesture is so full of its unique personalities, and foxes have this intense prettiness to them. I also haven;t quite nailed down the scale of their ears yet.
Here's a progression of what I've been practicing so far:
A photo posted by Kandice Kathleen Zimbleman 任思麒 (@blackunigryphon) on
Well, that's it for the moment... I'm guessing that whenever I feel the urge, I'll probably be sketching more with this... I'm so annoyed that I cannot work on my film. When i went to AIPH I could work nonstop whenever I felt like it. But, going to UMASS Boston isn't anything like that, plus I have all these other responsibilities, and pressures.
Here are some very old vintage 1999 sketches I did when I was at AIPH in Philadelphia.
I feel like Djehkäujaa is probably my most proudest character I've ever created. She's dynamic in many ways, physically, mentally, emotionally, metaphorically, and figuratively... So, if my project ever becomes anything, like a film or video series of shorts, I want it to be worthy and befitting of her.
Some of this stuff I actually don't like anymore... or, it's not very good... oh well...
Unfortunately, the majority of my old concept work with owl motifs are pretty much lost forever... I often liked to work with symbolism, and motifs, when I was younger, and since I first started developing this story & characters, I kept incorporating owls... In the King James version of the Bible (which I did read in various parts as a kid) there's a verse that goes: King James Job 39:29
"I am brother to dragons and companion to owls."
There are, however, so many other translations of this verse now, that I've seen it written all different ways... and not even as "dragons" or even "owls"... As it turns out, the Bible doesn't actually say whatever you previously thought it did... there's much better translations out there now, and different original manuscripts also...
So, I feminized it and changed it to:
I am sister to dragons and familiar to owls....
or various other versions I scribbled out in other lost sketchbooks...
So, here's the only thing I could find, so far, of anything with the owl motifs:
At the end of the year (2015) in December I started to notice OWLS, but by New Year it was EVERY DAY... It was kinda freaking me out, actually.... But, literally, at least 1 random owl will show up throughout the day, online, on TV, radio commercials.... it's generally way more than that. Usually about 3 per day...
Back in January it kept happening so frequently than even my family began noticing owls also.
I kept wondering why... I'm not really New Age anymore.... but, I kept recalling that in my old Dragon film project (this one) that I often incorporated owls into everything with the dragon character... Now, here I am, scanning my dragon drawings....
Through the helped of a very wonderful friend of mine, I managed to get the new Free Open Source version of OpenToonz by Studio Gibli. I'm very grateful also.
I manged to get the thing to work...
I think perhaps after I am done scanning my stuff, eventually, I might play around with it...
I know which scenes I would like to experiment with.... but, I don'[t know how to create and arrange music to be exactly what I want....
I also scanned some vintage 2007 rough sketches of Lively today Sorry, I lived in China several times in the GW Bush Era, so I often practiced Chinese. I was too lazy to edit it out. Just ignore it...
I have experimented with different styles including a more Disney-like, or a more anime or cartoonish look... mostly because I was thinking of a manga version for one of my stories... I guess it
Some of these sketches are incredibly painful to me.... In 2007/2008, I was trying to go to CALARTS and my friends in California were SO GOOD TO ME, and even tried to help me...
I kept struggling with my art, and I felt that it wasn't good enough, and I kept getting the proportions wrong because I spent too much time drawing furries/anthros the years before that...
I had several set-backs, including getting signed up for THE EXACT WRONG life drawing class to do a life drawing portfolio class in Cambridge for the Harvard affiliate Adult Education school. I needed a GESTURE quick poses life drawing class, and they put me into the LONG POSES class which was a a waste of time & money... I didn't even KNOW it was THE WRONG CLASS until 5 weeks in when I asked the instructor why he wasn't doing the gestures...
Basically, what happened was my spouse signed me up for the class, and his English wasn't very good, and when he was asking for the classes, he thought he got the right one, but didn't... and 5 weeks in, you can't get ur money back... they also drove a long time with me, and my portfolio all the way in Cambridge Boston and sat in the car at night, even in the snow, just so I could take THE WRONG CLASS.
I was so frustrated, and I often cried...I was so depressed, and even went through some very bad back-stabbing betrayals with a number of NOW ex-friends... plural.
I was also New Age "spiritual" back then, and it just seemed like everything was against me....
Then, literally, and actually, after I had already gone to California in the summer of 2007 and my 2 really great friends were so perfectly wonderful to me, and I came back to work on my portfolio, because CALARTS really liked me, the Economic Melt Down happened, and the Big Bail Outs...
I was devastated.
It was like everything I'd ever believed in was just shredded or nuked, and the fall-out hadn't even hit me yet...
I used to pray, and chant, and burn incense, and meditate... but, when it was all torn asunder, I couldn't meditate at all...
I used to have a Newspaper with the Front Page with the Headline "777" meaning the 777 point drop in the stock market for the DOW by September 2008.
And, from about 2007-2009 a number of relationships just popped off... some had to go, and others went badly without any warning... some people even died, or committed suicide, or lost their minds and became addicts...
When the stock market crashed, I KNEW it was ALL OVER. THE END.... that ALL of my work was in vain and naught... Our business and only JUST started to pick back up.... when everything just fell out...
I used to stay in bed crying from painful overwhelming circumstances... I felt so ashamed, and powerless...
And, when I sat at my business in the mall, with my sketch book trying desperately to DRAW, i was even more distraught to find that I COULD NOT DRAW.
I hope that YOU will NEVER KNOW what that FEELS LIKE. It's the worst feeling to ever experience...
No matter where you go, and what you do, that is always there... when you go into another room to get away from it, you find that you cannot... because you cannot escape it, and you cannot get away from yourself...
People are also incredibly insensitive... because if you have a young child, like I did, its as tho' you do not deserve to have any feelings, or dreams... and they will strait up tell you this to your face.
They will mock and demean you thinking its somehow helping you, and be completely oblivious of how sexist and cruel they are... they are even more obnoxiously rude if they also have a child, or more than 1 child, as tho' in their mind that somehow nullifies it...
They will even stoop so low as to say things nonchalantly like: "Shouldn't you go play with your kid?"
Meanwhile, everyone was leaving the state of Massachusetts that I was somewhat close to.... or lived far away... I had no biological family here, and my real friends (artists) lived far away....
I was very cloistered also....
All of this stuff is just so incredibly personal also.... I don't believe that anyone can understand it...
That one is actually based on a dream I had when I was about 6 years old. This story I re-did for my Eyewitness project concept work... but, I actually was writing it, originally, for my dragon project...
It could fit to either one...
I've written a number of versions of the dream I had as a child, and published various short stories of it throughout the internet since the 1990s. I have no idea what happened to them since then, tho'...
Scanning old vintage sketches, character design, and concept art...
I've torn apart my house looking for my old sketches of Djehkäujaa.
In case you haven't noticed yet, she's a dragon. But, she also has a humanoid form, and there's a reason for that.
Unfortunately, trying to find all my of best work of her is very difficult, and have serious trouble trying to find them!
Luckily, I found some of her character design head sketches.
I've scanned a number of the sketches in high resolution, and I've been cleaning up some, and publishing them to my DeviantArt gallery.
In honor of post the sketches of her her, I'd like to include this song by the German band "Scooter" called "The First Time" which if you listen to the song, the mood is very much an inspiration to this concept work, and her. The mood very much captures some of what I want for my project, in 1 part. Actually, I feel a number of vintage 1990s (Eurodance, techno, trance, electronica) European music (some Japanese inspiration also) inspires me intensely in the creation of this, where as my "Eyewitness" project is more of a UK synth pop music inspiration and some modern fusion stuff from California.
I really loved the old vintage Scooter music, even tho' I believe all of it is good over the years. Their band members have changed a number of times. Usually, their music has the vocals of HP Baxter, but this one does not.
Even tho' I generally have a major major dislike for "Drum N Bass" styles of garage music, this one is more of a Euro Trance style. the mood it has, keeping the composition simple but with layers of sound effects in the arrangement effectively expresses the mood. Also, the female vocal with a foreign accent adds to that haunting & strange yet beautiful mood feeling...
I would also recommend that if you are not sober, to be careful when listening to this song, because it's a very moving experience that you will not experience while sober.
However, I felt I wanted, and the project its self wanted, to have and make an entirely new and original song in a slightly similar style, but totally new and original. I would prefer my new version to probably be either a 2-step rhythm (dub step) instead of drum n base, or just Psy Trance style with 4/4 beats....
Also, I feel I might like a slight touch of Eastern fusion into it...Scooter had a down tempo single "She's The Sun" which had some Eastern fusion in it... but, a totally different style. t.A.t.U. has a slight bit of that Eastern fusion vibe in the song "Stars" If you like Eastern Fusion music, you might like Stellamara or their remixes, or Temple Step Project, or Beats Antique. However, I feel this old Scooter track style and mood fit it better than those which are either too hard, too soft, or a different mood altogether.
If the song and the sketches don't seem to make any sense to you, or seem unrelated, or you don;t understand it. let me put it to you this way:
Imagine you were a dragon all of your life, and then you screwed up really bad, and found yourself totally alone in the desolate wilderness like the plains of Mongolia, far away from anything and anyone familiar to you.... bewildered, lost and confused, and even you were not the same.... your body is not the same.... and, you look down into pond of water and see your face, as not your face.... as a different face that you didn't recognize... No one to help you, no one to recognize you, and nothing will ever be the same ever again.... not even you.
Here are the High Resolution Scans that I somewhat cleaned-up.
These sketches here aren't very good. they're very terrible rough doodles, and they also didn't scan very well either, nor clean-up very well for that matter...
My taste in men has changed since I was a teenager. When I was growing up, I was like most Caucasian American girls in that I was pretty much into the "All American" guy look, or personality... I was a bit confused at times, like in middle school I'd had some attractions to some ethnic guys that I was confused about, but hormones are confusing in your early adolescent years anyway.
I recall being interested originally in what felt familiar to me, meaning Caucasian guys.. you know, the soccer player, the football player, the basket ball player, but then suddenly there would be this really funny comedian guy, or the very smart guy... decisions, decisions... What do I want? What do I like? I think for most girls, they model what they want after some aspect of their fathers, whether they realize it or not... but, culture is also a factor...
I was very interested in my heritage, and when I'd seen the film "Dances With Wolves" about the Lakota Nation, it exposed me to concepts similar to my own heritage as a Native American descendant. Altho', I am an Apache Nation descendent of The Mescalero (or as my Grandfather & his sisters called it "Maskalera"). I recall watching the film over & over with my mother, whom was a VERY big fan of Kevin Costner, she would openly comment about how handsome the long haired, mostly naked, Indian Men actors were. What a concept! I'd never thought about it much until she said something, but then I thought, maybe she's right.
My mother was crazy about my father, but, he was crazy about gardening and hobbies. My mother was a MILF, and no matter who tried to get her attention or flirt with her, she would still always want to be with my father. But, I DID notice that when dark Italian men would flirt with my mother, such as local Pizzeria business owners in tight jeans, with big muscles, and somewhat long hair would flirt with her, she would actually flirt back, especially Sicilians.
For me, I noticed that if what you felt was more attractive to the eyes, if looks mattered, I noticed that guys with dark hair felt more attractive to me. The darker the hair, the more attracted I felt. It's a VERY real feeling, a very REAL attraction, almost magnetic, and the emotion was often times VERY enhanced. Not only that, but when you are interacting with a man in a consensual, intimate manner, just the very sight of his dark hair (especially black) very MUCH enhanced the emotional high (or ecstasy) of the experience and the gratification. Even more so if his skin had some color to it, like a tan, or whatever. Is it something genetic? I don't know.
But, the saying "Tall dark, and handsome" feels WAY better than pasty & pale...
It seems very superficial... don't you think? Looks and all that... but, I suppose our genes are programmed to function a certain way at different periods in our lives. It's this way among animals as well that seek out sexual mates based on looks, or traits, or whatever...
By the time I was in High School, many of the girls I knew (in southern NJ from all over the county since I went to BCIT) were attracted to Puertorican guys. They could have any number of ethnic looks, to very pale skinned, to very dark skinned, or even mixed with African heritage. Usually, most of those guys had dark black curly hair. I was UTTERLY mad over this thick curly, shiny, gorgeous hair. Their eyes, their smiles, their casual ways... and, so were most girls... but, for whatever reason, they were uninterested in me.
I was VERY into a Boy Band "No Mercy" which had 3 super hot young guys. They mostly did cover songs of other dance music tracks, with Spanish Guitar, and dance beats. They are most known for "Where Do You Go?" cover song originally by "La Bouche".
I was also, BIG TIME, into reading Marvel Comic's "X-MEN". Anything, and EVERYTHING!
My favorite character of ALL the X-MEN was a character Kurt Wagner alias "Nightcrawler".
He was this German National that looked like a DEMON, used to be a in circus act as a freak acrobat, could telleport, was bilingual, and despite his Gargoyle/Demon look and fuzzy indigo skin, he was a Christian and even was a Monastery monk at 1 point. The X-MEN themselves were very interesting characters on their own, but this one was my absolute favorite. He had the Dark curly hair, pointed ears, glowing eyes, a long prehensile tail, he could walk on walls like Spider Man. He was a TOTAL gentleman, Happy-go-lucky, friendly, the Welcoming person, the witty joke-maker. He cheered everyone up. He was well read, and he even was a swashbuckler. (So much like the stuff I like! I even took fencing.)
I even had a subscription to "Excalibur" (The British X-MEN team) which Kurt eventually became the leader of.
My favorite depictions of this character were by Alan Davis, whom is my ALL TIME favorite Comic Book "Penciler" Artist EVER! I learned SO MUCH by studying his style. He's SO GOOD!
(The photo I have here of Nightcrawler is ALSO by Alan Davis! ^_^ See how good his work is?)
So, as I was formulating what kinds of Romantic interests I might have
for Lively, it also would depend upon my own personal tastes, which I
could be sure about, but then find something else later on to make me
rethink what I actually liked, or actually wanted...
When I was younger, religion was a big influence on me. But, I would also gravitate to guys which were more intellectual, had some diversity to them, and especially was attracted more & more to foreigners.
Mostly, is started as European men. I'd had just so many very frustrating, disappointing, and hurtful experiences with American White men, that I was very fed-up with them. I was preferring a more Romantic & thoughtful European kind of guy. But, My relationship with my ex in Germany was a long distance one, and after a while, as I went to college, I'd felt his version of religion wasn't working out for me. By 2000/2001, I no longer had an interest in any organized religion, and had been switching to a more "New Age" faith, even tho' I still liked Jesus, or things he'd allegedly taught about Altruism, or Agape. And, like Jesus whom was friends with Marcus The Roman Pagan, I also was friends with numerous Pagans. Remember, Christianity is SUPPOSED to be about Love & Tolerance...
But, in my ex's Lutheran Protestant cult, which was founded dating way back to Martin Luther himself, they STILL made women cover their heads like nuns or Muslims, and dress a certain way like skirts or dresses only, in "assembly". They had rules about what you could, or couldn't watch, and banned TVs, techno, secular films, etc. My ex was 85% deaf, and had hearing aids. Among the deaf community in Germany EVERYONE listens to TECHNO because it's THE ONLY THING THEY CAN ACTUALLY HEAR.
Talk about utter Intolerance! What's with all the rules?
yet, everyone else in Germany was partying with "Free Love", and immodesty, nudism, body pride health, liberal sexuality, etc... "Love Parade", and it was very open, friendly, and loving...
But, there's a whole other chunk of the story I didn't mention yet.
Sex...
Christian religions have too many idiosyncrasies about sex, interpretations, and re-interpretations. Old & New Testament clash with 1 another...
As a teenaged girl, I was often confused about sex. There was stuff in the religion, but then, people would say 1 thing, and do another anyway... or say it in church, and not follow it in real life.... then, there was school, which was very liberal or moderate, and the ideas about sexuality weren't demonized at all... then, there was pop culture which was massively sexualized. There was AIDS, there was a mass campaign in the media to WEAR CONDOMS. There were my peers becoming sexually active at ages 12/13, and talking about how great it was.
I was very scared about sex. I mean, at age 12 & 13, I just wanted to still play with my Barbies, go roller skating, watch Batman cartoons, and have ice cream sundaes. I didn't want to have a boy touch me, or take off my clothes...
When I was in high school, I was 1 of the only virgin girls I knew for a long time. I didn't even start until I was 16, and I was massively disappointed. There I was, day in & day out hearing all of my peers discussing all this great stuff about sex, and yet my own experience was so horrible.
And, my boyfriend in my sophomore year didn't want me. He wanted 1 of my best friends. He also had no sexual interest in me. This happened 3 times in a row. Meanwhile sooooooooo many guys that were interested in me I'd felt no interest in them. I just didn't have any feelings at all...
So, I was even more frightened of sex.... I tried again once with another friend, and another... and, I didn't understand what the problem was. I remember crying in September 1997 after trying with a guy that I had worked briefly with me... There was nothing pleasurable about the experience. And, I couldn't have an orgasm...
I thought there was something wrong with me...
I couldn't understand it, because my body, my hormones, my urges, were all still there... but, intercourse its self was just horrible. I thought my body didn't work, or something was wrong with me.
So, when it came to sexual interaction, I mainly just stayed away from intercourse, and was more interested in petting, hand/finger play, touching, etc. I found that if I was open & upfront about this to a guy that mutually wanted to hook-up with me, that he was totally fine with that, and the experience could be very enjoyable, physically and pleasurably...
During that whole sort of self exploration of getting to know just what exactly I wanted, there was a pattern that came and went whether I'd noticed it or not...
Since I was a kid, I liked to watch action movies about Martial Arts, Kung Fu, and so on... My dad did, my brothers did. We used to watch movies by Belgian action star Jean-Claude Van Damme. We also watched any and every B movie out at the time with Martial Arts. Then, 1 day, my father's friend came to visit him while we were watching Van Damme and he laughed at us. We'd though Van Damme was such a great hero on screen, but this guy just laughed & laughed and talked about how much he stunk.
What???
He told us: No! No! No! If you want to see a real action star, and REAL Martial Artist Master you should go to the video rental store and find movies by Bruce Lee.
Who? What? Huh???
Then, over, and over: Bruce Lee! Bruce Lee this, and Bruce Lee that...
It didn't mean anything to me... I'd seen so many martil arts movies, I thought they were all good. But, what did I know?
Then, one day, my brother found out there was a video rental place that had movies staring Bruce Lee.
So, he got Mom to rent some, and took them home for us to watch.....
OH MY GOD!!!!!
I couldn't believe my eyes!
After that it was Van WHO???
How could anyone stand to watch Van Damme after Bruce Lee?
But, I was really young when that happened. I didn't look at men as sexual objects back then...
Then, when I was in middle school, there was a movie about Bruce Lee called "Dragon; The Bruce Lee Story" staring Jason Scott Lee. It was a movie I'd been looking forward to watching very much. We got it on pay per view, and I watched it over and over.
The 2nd week after I'd gotten it, I was on the bus and the girls were talking about when men (movie stars or pop stars) were the hottest. And, they went through the list... all White men, like 90210 stuff... And, a popular girl, named Amanda blurted out Jason Scott Lee which shocked everyone. Then she went on & on about his body in THAT movie, and how naked he was, and then oddly enough the other girls agreed. It sticks out in my mind so strongly... What a concept!
I remember thinking to myself that I agreed. It was TOTALLY true. The man was incredibly hot! So, when I went home and watched the film again, I was looking at it from a different perspective. The film a had a strong inter racial theme to it anyway... but, the idea that I'd ALSO found this man to be an attractive looking man was something very new to me, and I wasn't the only girl to agree with this idea either.
From the time I was about 15 or 16 there were some Asian guys that had an interest in me. Why me, I don't know... but, at that time, I mostly ignored it, or was oblivious to it... I'd generally had no interest in Asian guys at the time... other than very attractive, muscular, glamorous, nearly naked Asian men on the TV screen. Like Russel Wong in Vanishing Son.
I'd dated a Korean guy when I was 17, but he was sort of crazy in the head, and it didn't go well. And, I didn't know if I wanted to date Asian guys, or not.
But, by the time I began working at a movie theater in the summer on 1997 just before I'd turned 18, I took a look around and took notice of my VERY attractive Asian male coworkers. They didn't behave like the stereotypes either. Very funny, easy-going, sometimes cocky, but even talked about deep thinking, current events, music, culture and more.... You're supposed to "be professional" on the job, but it was so good to work with such fun & friendly people anyway. Every day was great because you can be among such sexy guys, and never feel nervous to talk to them... That job was full of a diverse group of persons. And, I loved them all...
I was on the fence. You're not supposed to do anything with your coworkers, really, even tho' there were 2 couples that worked there, and several persons dated each other. I was against it. I'd also had a boyfriend in Germany. My whole reason to work there was to raise the money to go to Germany....
But, temptations still happen...
I couldn't decide what I wanted, if I wanted it or not, or if I should just stick to my principle...
But, when a man wants something, he will come at it in full force, over & over, persistently... And, man, did he ever!
He was crazy, you know... mental... not right in the head at times... then, add on hormones... volatile, unpredictable...
I could resist, resist, resist... and then, suddenly, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN???
Stupid! Brash! Jerk!
And, then, somehow, I'm in his arms again!
Or...
In the dark!
Vulnerable...
All alone!
I hate him! I hate him! I hate him!
But, then... my dreams betray me...
My thoughts betray me....
And, when he clutches me, my own body betrays me...
Everyone loved him too. At work he had everyone believe he was an easy-go-lucky person, an Alpha Male, and the most popular person there. Everyone wanted to BE HIM, be LIKE him, and be around him... and, I couldn't help it either...
I was utterly INSANE about him, but utterly in denial over it...
And, yet, when he was alone with me, he was someone else in at least 2 variations of extremes... the very intense predator, to the very meek & timid wounded being... and, he could switch from one to the other at any moment... There was just something about his eyes, the way he looked at me... not anyone else... and his smile.
But, his approach to me was all wrong...
I wasn't the only one either...
-and, I feel utterly used, deceived, and womanized.
Then, one day he just up & left...
He'd gone out of his way to make everyone think he's cared about them, missed, them, etc... only years later to tell me what he really actually thought of them all, point blank....
Before he left, he even cried to me, and told me he loved me...
How the heck did I ever fall for that?
How did I actually ever think this person was my friend? Or that he'd cared about me, or anyone else?
I wasn't a friend to him, in his mind... not someone he'd actually loved, or cared about... I wasn't even a human being to him, let alone even a person....
I was just a thing to him...
His idea of being respectful to me is not talking about it... covering it up, etc... But, I think a real motive for not telling about it is because it implicates him, and guilt...
Ironically, this guy used to beg me to have sex with him, and pressure, and so on... but, whenever I'd either consent to it, or actually want to, he would change his mind. Then, he said he just wanted to hold me, so I lay they with him in my arms while he was shaking. The whole thing was ridiculous.
Why he could NEVER keep plans with me, but make plans and hang out with others, ALWAYS stood me up, and NEVER kept a promise to me, yet be good to everyone else is beyond me. But, whenever he on the spot wanted attention from me, he'd pressure me until I gave in, filled up my in-box with letters either pestering me, or just being foolish. And the ONLY 2 times he's actually showed up on a plan with me, was BECAUSE I NAGGED HIM.
Yet, with him was many, many firsts for me... none of which were an orgasm...
The first time I was alone with him, after he'd annoyed me to death, I finally asked him to. But, he was utterly afraid, and scared out of his mind once I was finally alone with him. So, I didn't know what to do other than massage his shoulders, which was what he'd said he wanted, and agreed to. But, after a long time alone with him like that, he went through the very first time I would notice him "switching" and he became this other man. He turned around and looked at me, in my eyes, then he said "Come here." But, I did nothing. Then, he abruptly grabbed me, and kissed me. I was really scared. And, after he kissed me, he began tearing my clothes off. This sort of became his signature, in how he could remove clothing very quickly in just a few really violent tugs, pushing & pulling me very roughly. And, then, he would ask me several questions, like whether I liked it, or him, and so on, constantly asserting a power dynamic, which was utterly terrifying. And, yet, somehow, he could work me up into not only liking him, but enjoying him.
At one point, he asked me "Did you come?" which I didn't understand. I had only ever heard this word used for men before. I was either too young, or too inexperienced. But, he kept asking me. I didn't know what to say because he seemed to value whatever it meant, so I said "yes". But, I can tell you the truth was actually "no" because I am old enough NOW to understand what it means.
When I was in college, age 19, I started to date a Vietnamese playboy bodybuilder in Graphic Arts at my school. (He was also a martial artist, flower gardener, and a sushi chef) And, that was my very first orgasm. Several actually. "The Big O."
I would go with him each night for about 2 months, and go at it for hours, several times in a row until about 4-5AM, go to sleep then wake up a few hours later, shower, and go to classes, then go meet him again for dinner and do it all over again. Where I got all the energy to do that is beyond me...But, it's totally true. TOTALLY.
Then, I dated more frequently on a casual manner. I dated several types of ethnic or foreign men. This 1 guy was hell-bent on marrying me, which I gave-in to marry eventually which was the WORST decision EVER. He turned into someone else once I married him, and he left n went to Oklahoma, and used me to get his parents to come here from China. He was mentally ill, so i can pardon him for having a medical issue... but, he abused me terribly, and also would try to use religion there as well, but went around fucking whomever he wanted in less than a full week. But, what can I say? A person of sound mind & body, let alone self respect, wouldn't behave that way, right?
When I married that guy, it was like every man in the world was trying to get me to hook-up with them. I even had a wedding ring, and told them; "I'm married.' to which they're reply: 'He doesn't have to know." which would piss me off! The wedding ring used to burn my skin also...
But, once I divorced him, it was as tho' since this guy didn't want me, then no-one else did for about 3 months. Even my female friends barely spoke to me.....
But, then, I went into online dating, which back then, people thought was "scarey" or unsafe, and NOW EVERYONE DOES IT!!!!! Go fig'! I used mostly "Yahoo! Dating" personals, or "Asian Friend Finder". I made sure never to date a religious man EVER AGAIN, because it was always a lie, or he had some kind of issue and wanted to USE his scripture to control me, but never abide by it for himself...
So, I went wild dating. I would have up to 2 different dates per day depending on whether I had classes, or it was a weekend. I went to casinos, night clubs, dance Clubs, and men would drive, fly, or take a train to see me from all up & down the east Coast, or even people visiting from over seas to the local universities. I liked Asian men best, especially Chinese, and especially if they were educated and born over seas that were either attending university or had an established career. back then, not many women were interested in Asian men, so I had the pick of the litter. I even made videos on YouTube about it in my 20s. Now, if I go back to Philly it's very common to see interracial dating of Asian men with non-Asian women.
By the time I was booking so many dates to my heart's content I couldn't give a shit whether this or that guy NOW wanted me.... it was too late, and I blew them all off. Good-bye!
If a man REALLY wants you he'll give it a really good persistent try. If not, then don't bother with him.
So, if you're wondering what I like? Well, I definitely LIKE MEN.
I like men that can behave themselves, have self control, have AT LEAST my level of IQ, OR HIGHER, otherwise I find I just can't respect him if all he cares about is JUST Football or sports. I like men that have an actual understanding of ethics & philosophy, and Not some made-up blanket version of a concept that somehow 'virtue' only means what does or doesn't happen between a woman's legs, and WHO does it to her. Because I ACTUALLY know what a "virtue" is, as well as it's antithesis being a "vice".
At the same time, I ALSO don't like men that are rigid, strict, inflexible, arrogant, or stuck on themselves. I like genuine, tried & true persons, but can keep secrets. I like a balance of playfulness, witty, sense of humor, but NOT obnoxious, a sense of humbleness, but not a coward. I especially like activists, and civil disobedients, men that are clever, kind, and have the right balance of gentleness & strength especially inside of their minds. I don't like men that are aloof, doofy, smokers, reckless, drug dealers, addicts, thieves, or frauds. I like intellectuals, deep thinkers, creative & artistic, as well as musical including DJs, or tech savvy folks, including programmers so long as they're not douchey pricks.
So, anyways... I haven't entirely decided on a perfect guy for Lively yet... I don't want her with some jerk that uses her, nor one that neglects her.
I've been doodling, practicing, and sketching up all kinds of studies of foxes for a while now. My time is so screwy, because my kid keeps having off the wall medical problems EVERY DAMNED WEEK. Today, she got worms! Yesterday she had severe nosebleeds that grossed out the teachers, and they made her go home after the 4th or 5th gush. But, we fixed that up with VITAMIN C + antioxidants like I SAID, really fast, only to find out she got parasites, all that PLUS she her shipment of blood meds arriving the day before that, and a hospital visit the previous days before that... This is NOT the way I EVER planned to live, DID NOT expect, nor EVER intend to live, and yet it keeps ongoing... 
