Dragon Project UNTITLED... still....

Dragon Project UNTITLED.... 

This bothers me quite a bit... I've had titles for this project, a number of times, only to change them... for a long time I had it titled "Guardian" or "Guardian Angel" because of something my mother said... or even "Dark Angel"... but, then, in October 2000 a TV show came out called that starting Jessica Alba! I was PISSED!

But, I don't want to call it ANYTHING like I'd called it already...

I've been writing out several possible titles, and have changed my mind several times...

I have a few things that I'm kinda leaning towards tho'... It reminds me of Taoist ideas/concepts....

So, I sat here at my desk today with my notebook open, and I started to feel somewhat like Jia Baoyu trying to figure out something with Chinese characters for a chéngyǔ, or something to do with poetry, or naming a doorway or a room, or a pavilion. (Chinese stuff) Or, perhaps even the author himself, Cao Xueqin....

Apparently, he wrote (as the legend goes) the manuscript for 紅樓夢 Hónglóu Mèng in abject poverty as a destitute person from a very educated high level wealthy background... I've never fully understood the entire complexity of his life, and I've read, heard, and watched, so many carrying versions of who he was, and why he wrote the novel, including different official versions by the People's Republic of China central government.

(Oh, but, wait... here's the part where now that it's 2016, and I mentioned something from another culture that's not my born culture, showing my interest and affection for other cultures, and literature, I have to go on and on about how I could never ever liken myself to them, because if and when i don;t and a person with a different ethnicity or skin color than mine notices it, and might actually know what those things meant, and actually understand the point, actually wants me to suck up, or bow down, or else they get to slander me with "cultural appropriation" labels, because even tho' being open minded and openly excepting of other cultures back in 20002 when I first read the stuff was seen as good, now even doing yoga and not being East Indian means your racist... I have NO IDEA how these things even make any sense... I dunno... if I were anti whatever race, and pro my own, even tho' I'm actually a mongrel, wouldn't my NOT reading other culture's literature make me racist or ethnocentric? Whatever... I used Baoyu as an EXAMPLE since I equate all great world literature as EQUALLY good in the context of THE ENTIRE WORLD and HISTORY... thus, I used the example... and I AM NOT SORRY. I'm a Cosmopolitan. But, of course, you could write your angry comments because you got your panties crumpled up in a bunch, drowning in adrenaline and amygdala overload if you wanted... or you could just 忍 and get back to the subject... OK, whatever... you hate me, you jumped to conclusions... does that help you? 忍 )

My spouse (Wang Li) and I have discussed similar things before many many times... in fact just getting my Chinese name was one of those Taoist things... Tao (actually called "Dao" in Chinese) means "The Way" or just "way".

It's like having n idea or a destination, or a goal, or something you want to get to... but, you can;t get there until YOU GO THE WAY, or FIND THE WAY, or TAKE THE WAY... sometimes its described as "a path" or a a "flow" or a "river" or a "channel" (again meaning river of stream).

But, it's very illusive, and enigmatic... because even Laozi (Lao Tzu) said "The Way that can be named is not The Way" or also put 'The Tao that can be named is not The Tao."

I'm certainly no Li Bai.... so I can't come up with something on the spot... which is odd, because for usually everything I've ever created, having a Title for it was simple, easy, and happened right away... either it just CAME TO ME, or with a slight bit of work, I CAME TO IT.

Yet, for those things, those circumstances, or even for those persons, that was THEIR WAY, that was THE WAY for THEM... but that is NOT MY WAY, ergo I CANNOT GO THEIR WAY, nor THOSE WAYS... because it is NOT THE WAY for THIS... See what I mean???

It's an enigma.

I want it to express a feeling but also an idea... but, also almost abstract, only NOT abstract... But, it can't be TOO LONG, and it CAN'T be TOO SHORT...

And, here's the brain-picker of it all: I'm not even a Taoist! But, even if I were Taoist, calling myself a Taoist would be like saying I wasn't really a Taoist... I also don't want to be a Taoist... and yet, it's still of great interest to me. HOW WEIRD IS THAT?
It's practically ZEN! Yeesh! It's like a Chan/Zen Koan! WTF???

You know what's strange about it, if/when I think about it?

The project its self is very female or feminine... and yet the pondering and contemplation of it all, the perplexing aspects of me, almost seem male or masculine... WTF??? But, it's still me.


So, I sit there, with my notebook, and the crappy pen, running out of ink the I got as a freebie at South Field at some Open House thingy a few years ago... and, it all just sort of seems to feel like it's all just swirling around me, somewhere, invisible, and I'm trying to make it work, like an engineer, or an inventor in a laboratory... but of dreams, and poems, and fantasy... Ain't dat some shit? 

I have a few things in mind... but, I'm not 100% sold on any of them yet... sometimes I just need to mull it over for a while... but, it bothers me so much that I don't have a title yet... 

At the same time.... I'm not sure what to do with it all.....it all seems to be moving, and shifting... 

I also DON'T CARE about MAKING MONEY from it! I just want to gag at the idea of doing the thing for MONEY and profit as my motive! 
Unless, someone is trying to steal it, and/or rip me off, then I'm raining down, thunder, lighting, fire, wrath, and HELL! 

The idea of NOT doing anything for money, profit, fame, or self grandiosity is somehow a crazy idea in the USA, or the world we live in. Well, the internet was NOT started to make money at all! Everything I did on the internet as a kid had NOTHING to do with any of those things! It was JUST BECAUSE WE LOVED AND ENJOYED whatever we were interested in, and we SHARED IT with the WORLD WIDE WEB.  

Sure, everyone either need to make money, or wants to make more.  But, I'm just SO TIRED! I don't CARE anymore! It's just SO EMPTY! 

I just want to keep me, and keep who I am.  Even as changes happen, and I'm changing, I'm still me... and I still want to keep that. I don;t want to be SOMEONE ELSE that isn't me. 

And, I want the title to my project to MEAN SOMETHING.  

Blue Fairy World Melody (demo) MUSIC

The Story of This Melody/Song:

The basic story is this:

When I was 6 years old, in the 1980s, my family had moved to a new house in Mount Laurel NJ (from Willingboro NJ to Levit Town PA, then to Mt. Laurel) . That summer our neighbors, Mr. & Mrs. Blue has a summer party. It was sometime either the end of June or Early July, and they often invited tons of their relatives that I can recall. they were about 80-90 years old. I don't specifically recall.

During that party I went inside the house and was playing with the kids, and then I think it was a man, asked me if I wanted to play on the piano. I actually didn't know how to play. But, when I looked at the piano it was like a magical moment, and I felt as tho' the piano was calling to me. So, I immediately went over to the piano and sat down.

I had a VERY wild imagination as a child, that it was REALLY A HUGE PROBLEM in school, and when I was very very little I thought I could see fairies. But, when I was 6 I did not. I knew the difference between pretend and real, but I could still get VERY caught up inside my imagination, that real life was just something that I would override in my my mind. This, summer party, however, was different. It was very similar to when I would get caught up in my art and drawings. I also did not take my drawings very seriously, because I thought everyone could do that, and also did not think of myself as an artist. It was just a silly or fun thing I did.

In that moment, I sat at the piano, and began to improvisationally play the piano. I did not know how to do this, nor that I could. But, I began to play patterns that repeated themselves or vary on the keys. I just thought I should do that, and I liked the way it sounded.

Then, I felt as tho' I was in another world -a world of fairies! And, fairies all around me!

Time seemed to stop, or speed up.... I don't know... but, I felt like I was somewhere else, and I liked it.

I knew there were other people in the room, and the house, and they eventually became quieter, and even stopped to listen to me play.

But, before I knew it, hours had passed and it was night time. That was a very strange and unusual experience...

But, as I was experiencing this sort of inspired moment that felt magical, and as tho' I was in another world, with fairies everywhere, and all around me.... like something out of Grimm's Fairy Tales, or Elves & the Shoe Maker.... I created this melody.

This is the melody I made.

I was told later, that kids weren't allowed to use the piano, because it was an antique, and because they were too rough with it, but when they heard me playing they thought I was well behaved and respected the instrument.  Strange that I was actually invited to even play it personally...

Not long after I made the melody my grandparents from Lancaster PA came to our house and gave me a very old electric organ.

I remembered the melody and often played it on my electric organ.

I actually collected several kinds of instruments as a child. In the mid 1980s Casio keyboards were very popular with children as a Christmas gift. So, I got one! I played on it so much that some of the keys didn't always work by the 90s.

So, that is the story of the origins of this song....

As for my musical training, I learned to play a recorder in the 3rd grade which I absolutely LOVED! Then, my little brother & I would figure out how to play tunes and melodies by ear, like songs from The Little Mermaid, or Aladdin.

I also formally played violin with my little brother when I was in 5th grade. I kept getting invited to play with the Philadelphia Orchestra, but I thought I wasn't good enough, and my mom didn't want to drive there.

Recently:

This music has been in my head! It's been driving me crazy.

I kept resisting it, but it was as tho' the music wanted to become something.

So, I kept taking walks on warm days this month, and it kept coming out of my mouth and throat. I thought perhaps I was going mad, or mentally ill! I was really worried! But, the more I protested & resisted the worse it got, like something out of a Sci-Fi TV show episode!
But, once I stopped resisting, and let it out I felt better.

It was as tho' the music was experimenting with its self....

On 1 walk, I was out on the sidewalk near the woods, and I felt terribly paranoid that somebody would walk by me and think I was a crazy lady! This is not a rational thing! So, when the music started coming out of my mouth/throat it was awkward and terrible... but, then I was like: Fine! Whatever! I guess I'm a crazy lady walking by the woods! F@#$ it! And, I just let my voice go...
But, it sounded fine.... and I also felt pretty good....

Perhaps it's just something buried deep in my subconscious or unconscious mind wanting out...

But, the music persisted so much this month that I ended up downloading a piano app to my iPhone and recording it in different tempos.

Then, as the month went on, it became words... the words/lyrics have changed several times...

There seems to be 2 versions of the melody. The fairy version(s) are for my character Lively, and the Dragon version(s) are for my character Djehkäujaa.

Rough Recordings:

Some Possible Working Lyrics So Far:

I The World Of Blue Fairies (Basic Version)

In the world of blue fairies,
In the world of blue fairies,
In the world of blue fairies,
Melodie for dragons!

Dragon Version

Soaring dragons through the sky,
Open your wings and you'll fly,
One with the wind, I soar high,
Liberty for dragons.

Developing Lively & Dragons; Concepts, and Influences from Anime

Here are some of my earlier concept sketches, and experiential sketches I did with "Lively".

Lively pretty much, pretty often, went through most of whatever I did, however, I don't like to make her go through very bad things. I believe she deserves much better than that...

I was very inspired by this very fantasy proto steam-punk theme, like I'd said in my previous post, from the rave culture of Eurodance, and Happy Hardcore, and other techno bands in Europe... So, I had all these feelings, concepts and ideas inspired from all kinds of these musics, and esthetics, and all of that whirling around in my mind and my day dreams... I'd already been dreaming up my project "Eyewitness" (which I will blog about in another blog) since I was also a teen.

But, for my Dragon Project (which I'd originally named "Guardian" but I have since then scrapped the name) as I have said, it started out that a  number of the scenes were of Lively.

Here are 2 of my original concepts, and I DO have some story boarded.


Lively Zeppelin Deck 0001 by ~BlackUniGryphon on deviantART


Lively Zeppelin Deck 0002 by ~BlackUniGryphon on deviantART


Eventually, I had to change up the story, because I KNEW the story had dragons, and especially 1 dragon, but, I didn't know how to make her yet... Then, during my 1st & 2nd quarters at AIPH I began developing my dragon character, Djehkäujaa. She would have a number of quirks, idiosyncrasies, and be the type of personality that needs to learn EVERYTHING the hard way, by being foolish, and making SUCH big mistakes that she MUST learn VERY hard lessons. Unlike Lively whom is very carefree & bohemian yet VERY thoughtful & wise, Djehkäujaa starts out as being CARELESS, selfish, and completely oblivious to consequences of her actions & causality. So, when she has to pay the price for what she does/did, she not only is STUCK with her punishment, she's also banished. She never appreciated who & what she was, and what she had until she screwed it all up... So, as she's in a humanoid form, she's very sulky, solemn, and depressed. VERY bitter too. She did it to herself, and has ONLY herself to blame. And, she feels utterly guilty & self loathing about it.

That's where Lively comes in... and, they both have to deal with each other...

But, anyways, the story worked! The ironic thing is, my villain character, at the time, I'd thought might've been TOO over-the-top. I was afraid audiences would reject the story for having SUCH a horrible villain. But, after having lived through the Bush & Obama eras of extreme wealth, greed, and corruption he seems MUCH tamer than real life, now.



Livley Contortionist 1999 Pencil Sketch by ~BlackUniGryphon on deviantART

For me, I learned some lessons myself, but they're not as bad as all that.


Life Lessons:  
Standing Up To Abusive Authority Despite Religious Ideology

I'd had a misogynistic art teacher that utterly abused me. He didn't think he was wrong either. It seems like they never do...

Ironically, his original teaching methods were very good in my 1st year. I learned VERY much from him, and my skills & talents took off after his simple basic instructions for the fundamentals of pencil sketching, blending, and painting, as well as old school graphic art.


I was told, and everyone was told, that we could learn & study animation starting in our Junior year.

I'd won so many awards, scholarships, etc. all the time, but this teacher was so smug and full of himself, that he couldn't acknowledge me, his student.

His own work, beyond the basics was just so-so. And, he would ONLY praise his past students if they were male.

So, when it came time to study the animation, he kept lying, and putting it off, or changing the subject. I kept experimenting with a Painter program (animation) on the computers, because he wouldn't teach us, and, he let everyone else run wild (which is an understatement IF YOU ONLY KNEW).

Finally, even tho' I had already been going to classes at the U-ARTS in Philadelphia on partial scholarships, I confronted him about the animation. When were we gonna do it? Then, he lied and said that I was crazy, that he'd said no such thing, and that was the end of it... (So Ha-ha! Did that actually matter to you? Oh well, deliberate SAD DAY FOR YOU!)

But, that wasn't the end of that, he'd goaded the upperclassmen to berate me, rob & destroy my things, and viciously harass me, in waves, and for entertainment! 



Here is an example of my work:



Alanis Morissette Glam Sketch by ~BlackUniGryphon on deviantART

This was a homework assignment. We had to draw faces/portraits of people from magazines, like celebrities, or public figures, in graphite pencils.

I got an A+ on this. There was NO ONE in the class whom could draw ANYTHING like this. NOT EVER during the entire time I went to the class/shop...

But, after a while, he started to give me bad grades, bad marks, and WANTED ME TO DO THE WORK FOR OTHERS! After the 2nd or 3rd time doing this, I began getting REALLY angry...

Now, mind you, I was supposed to be a Protestant Christian. You are NOT supposed to fight back, you are NOT supposed to have bad or angry thoughts, you are NOT supposed to judge people (Forgive them for they know not what they do), you are JUST supposed to FORGIVE people, and PRAY for them, and LOVE them altruistically... ALL the more reason as to WHY they were SOOOO vicious to me, AND the teacher ABUSED his power by GOADING the class AGAINST ME! (Power dynamics)


1998 Bluemchen pencil sketches by ~BlackUniGryphon on deviantART

He barely lifted a FINGER to help me, EVER! AND, whenever he did, he'd abrasively scrape & rub it in my face, and threw salt in it!

When I won awards, he would parade around to other teachers with MY paintings & artwork showing off HIS STUDENT!
Look at what a GREAT teacher I am!
Smiling, and getting attention from all the other teachers.

Then, when he'd come BACK into the classroom, his face would change, and his gaze was ever hateful & spiteful to me! Just because he didn't use inappropriate words, didn't mean what he said, or his tone, nor the way he treated & abused me, made it correct or appropriate at all...

Not a SINGLE fellow student would stand up for me, and yet they also would agree that he singled me out to pick on me specifically.

After he'd screwed me over for another chance to have my artwork hung in Congress (because I'd had my work exhibited the previous year), promised to matt my illustration, and didn't, then it was too late, he turned on me. He started yelling at me saying he NEVER promised that, and that I'd NEVER even asked him, when I'd asked him, all day, every day, for 2 months! Then, he got the other students to gang up on me. So, Ha-ha!

I couldn't believe this was really happening! AND, it was getting worse!

A BIG student art festival was coming up, and we ALL had to get our art ready for "The Teen Arts Festival" and some others. So, of COURSE, NOW he wanted to matt my illustration. But, the problem was this guy in the class. A senior... I think his name was Brian, maybe... This guy NEVER did his work, didn't do ANYTHING, yet his grades were good, and mine now weren't so good...

The teacher wanted ME to do this jerks work! I REFUSED!
Then, he pestered me! I still said: NO!

So, he went on and on about how my grades were slipping, and how I could do so much better... WHAT THE HELL??? You want ME to do the artwork OF THE BOYS???? But, I AM SLIPPING??? I COULD DO BETTER??? MAKE THEM DO THEIR OWN WORK! AND DON;t GIVE THEM a GRADE for WHAT I DID!

The majority of the students in the shop were FEMALE (more than 1/2 of whom were drug addict bimbos whom turned tricks, or boasted about their slutty sex lives. But if I wore anything slightly sexy, oh no, I'm a bad person!), many of the guys dropped out!

There was even a boy, whom COULD actually draw, passed all the tests, but the teacher wouldn't let him into the class because he thought he was ugly!

Meanwhile he let some Satanist randomly come into the class with us, and draw hideous things EVERYWHERE against his OWN RULES!

Some of the idiot girls even drew PENISES EVERYWHERE! On the chalk boards!

But, he would manage to get the TV signed-in for our class-room EVERY DAY so these morons could watch "The Faces Of Death" which got more & more morbid as the videos progressed, and eventually with this horribly noisy audio punker music which gave me a migraine and I couldn't do my work!

ALL kinds of ILLEGAL SEXUAL HARASSMENT going on!
(I used to give lectures an talks in my senior year about this sort of thing! And, here, I was the victim of it!) The Satanist used to tell me "You have nice lips" and that they would look pretty around his cock. The teacher thought this was amusing.

So, then this guy (not the Satanist), let's call him Brian, gets SO heavily into drugs that he starts to bring HARD DRUGS to the school! And, of course, because he's a fool, he gets CAUGHT!

He had a physical fight, and yelling match, with the art teacher, and then began making massive trouble with the school principals. He was so wacked out on drugs, that he was acting out, and going literally insane! So, teams of cops came into the building, and they had him in CHAINS, and dragged him away. (I remember watching him get hauled out of the building from out the window of our shop on the 2nd floor, in chains, kicking and screaming.)

He got expelled, and no one ever saw, nor heard, from him again.
Good riddance!

-BUT... the insanity didn't stop there!

OH NO!

This asshole left some of his unfinished artwork in the classroom. Several things, because he NEVER finished ANYTHING!

So, the teacher grabs them and 1st tries to get ME to finish them.

To me, as an artist that is like the ULTIMATE FAUX PAS! You NEVER work on someone else's work, unless you've MUTUALLY both agreed it was OK, and consented to it. There were about 3 that he'd picked... 1 of which I recall was one black illustration board with a trombone that had been TRACED ON. Not authentically drawn... NO! TRACED! 'Cause Brian was a HACK! In fact, the majority, if not ALL, of the students WERE ALSO HACKS! They even used techniques with the Xerox machine...

So, this piece of CRAP illustration of the trombone, had used colored pencils & maybe some paints in funky colors on it, where some of the reflective areas were...

Having refused to work on it, he forced 2 of the older girls to finish it, especially the ethnic girl, whom was probably THE ONLY girl who wasn't insane, and could at times ACTUALLY be genuinely NICE including TO ME. And, she did the majority of the work, because the white girl also refused to do it after a while...

He (the teacher) kept nagging until that was done too!

Finally, the artwork gets finished and she'd redone the whole thing, and made it more HER. But, then, EVEN the TEACHER worked on it! So then, this teacher turns around and submits this crap UNDER BRIAN'S NAME to the Art Festival, and this HACK'S CRAP actually WON!

Da Faahk???

This jerk DID NOT EVEN GO TO OUR SCHOOL ANYMORE! AND, he DIDN'T EVEN do the whole thing! The other students did, and EVEN the TEACHER!!!!

Life Lesson: This is the kind of bullshit that goes on "in the art world".

But, my piece was probably the ONLY real, authentic, actually ORIGINAL, detailed, time consumed piece, AND FREEHAND!

So, not only was this about the time when I was FED UP! I was like a pressure cooker, or a bottle of champagne that had been shook up WAY to much, IN THE HEAT! I'm about to bust open, explode everywhere! I was festering, and I was SO angry with this teacher! I began obsessing about how evil he was, and began to consider leaving.

1 thought led to another thought, and it began making sense... So, I'd asked the people in Environmental if they might ever want me to come back... they seemed VERY happy with the idea that I WOULD come back! I used to hang out with them all in their shop anyway on my lunches! And, still worked on projects with them! Then, I asked Mr. Moore, and he seemed to JUMP for JOY with the idea that I might come back, cause he had a MILLION uses for me, and he was in charge of Vo-TAG (Vocationally Talented And Gifted) which I was also in.

I'd pretty much HAD it with this art teacher! I already HAD enough reasons to leave the shop. But, being a Christian, it seemed odd to do... you're just supposed to STICK WITH WHAT YOU STARTED & FINISH IT (as the Protestants would preach). Don't be a quitter! For shame! You should TRY to work things out. You should forgive.

So, I tried that... I tried to talk to him. I even asked him: Why do you treat me this way? WHY are you doing this? This made him laugh and goad the other kids after me, and mocked me further.

Even tho' the other kids would laugh along with him, they would even also ask him: Yeah, why do you treat her like that? What did she ever do to you?

Then, he would laugh and say stuff like: She was born! (meaning I was a freak or a mutant, another thing he'd mock at me about... perhaps because I used to read X-MEN as a Freshman, or watched Star Trek)

Oh... hilarious...

But, THAT WAS IT!


I'd had it! I even hollered at him.

Yeah, you know that whole thing that Jesus said about "turn the other cheek"? Turns out that SAME guy protested and went after the money changers, and physically turned over their tables and threw them.... (ironic, because my way of dealing with bullies in the 7th grade was flipping over the desks and throwing them because the MALE teacher would do NOTHING to save me, nor help me, and ALLOWED boys to assault & batter me, EVERYDAY!) Usually, for me growing up as a Christian it was taught to me that I wasn't allowed to fight back, but you COULD stand up for those less fortunate than yourselves and be THEIR hero... yet, pretty much NO ONE wanted to be MY hero... including people whom professed to be Christians...

So, at lunch, I went to the office of the female principal, and I talked to her. I told her I had something very upsetting to tell her, and that I was being abused for the past several years, and I just wanted to leave that shop and go into Environmental, and that Mr. Moore had told me he was already OK with it.



Lila 1996-98 by ~BlackUniGryphon on deviantART
This upset EVERYONE!

Next thing I knew all the teachers were upset! They didn't want me to leave that teacher's class/shop. Many teachers wanted to talk to me, and dissuade me from leaving, and even that principal tried to dissuade me from switching.

I was SO fed, up, that I started screaming, and crying, and freaking out! I told the principal that he was a horrible man, and I couldn't take ANOTHER moment with him after everything he did to me! He not only allowed the other students to ROB me, he encouraged it!Bullying, sexual harassment, favoritism, etc.!

Then, my mother was called to the school.... and I was so upset... but, even my mother wanted to know more... she seemed to think that I needed to handle the situation gracefully, and believe me I was holding myself together just fine unless I was being back into a corner & berated... she told me "not to burn my bridges" and to shake his hand, etc... I told her I didn't even want to look at his face EVER again! He was a bad person. I gave him the chance to fess-up, or do right by me, but he didn't...

Can you believe that so many of those teachers tried to push me to stay and told me it was "to help me follow my dream"? No. My dream was NEVER to be abused. All the things that went on were outright crimes in the simplest, and even complex forms!

And so, I left...

So, THE most talented artist, not only in "Advertizing, Art & Design" BUT also the ENTIRE school, (possibly in the top of entire State of New Jersey) left and went back to Environmental! :D I wasn't worried at all. I still went to the U-ARTS Philly on the weekend, and I was confident that I could get accepted to AIPH. Plus, my art NEVER stopped!

After all, remember?: Child prodigy. *points to self*

Being in Environmental gave me MORE opportunities to do MUCH more with WHO I was, and what I did than that "Advertizing, Art & Design" ever could. I had so much privilege, and I could walk the halls without a pass, and never get in trouble, because I was so highly regarded, if I wanted.


My Mural at BCIT Medford NJ by ~BlackUniGryphon on deviantART

I painted a HUGE Mural my senior year as well, AND I made MY OWN projects, CONSTANTLY, and DID THEM! I was self motivated, responsible, capable, and helpful.

All the younger students looked up to me... which of course caused me to become HATED among my peers in my own class (the class of 1998, whom wanted to bully them for entertainment). Plus, since I was so well regarded among the teaching faculty, and the administrators, and had high grades, they (my fellow peers in my grade) all began to resent me... They didn't think I even knew the scientific materials... but I DID! I'm a geek, so not only did I know the materials, I remembered more of it than they did... Thus, more hatred & resentment... They didn't see me as an asset, they saw me as competition, but I wasn't completely with them. I had my self to compete with, to challenge myself to become more than whom and what I was. I wasn't putting anyone down. I would help to build people up. I was altruistic.

As it turns out, tho', that art teacher, after I left according to the other students whom told me that he's calmed down entirely, he didn't mock or razz students anymore, and he'd seemed to have regretted how he'd behaved, and maybe have mentioned something along those lines slightly... they even said he'd totally changed after I'd left, and was quiet, and mopey... 

Turns out, when u abuse people you're supposed to be in charge of, they don't respect you... and you get in trouble... It wasn't as tho' this man didn't know any better, because at times he would preach about how some people should be this way or that way... and even quoted some philosophy... except, ya broke your own principles, dude...

Even tho' I was respectful to him (because if you're a Christian, you MUST respect authority, and ALWAYS be respectful and kind to others) he actually didn't deserve any respect at all. True respect is earned. I respected him for what he'd taught me in the 1st year, but after that, there was NOTHING he could really teach me, and when I needed his help or assistance he turned on me... A true master teacher is ALWAYS respectful to their students, but he was not....


And, so...  What's the moral of the story?

* DON'T let people push you around. Stand up for your dignity. Because if you let them it's like saying you deserve it. And you DON'T DESERVE IT!

* Sometimes, when you are a true genuine person, people that are either just normal, or fake, resent you... because it shows them what they are not.... actually, they AREN'T actually resenting YOU, but THEMSELVES and taking it out on you, because they don;t try to be real, genuine, or good.

* People fear what the DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

* If you truly have self respect, you will treat other with respect & dignity, even if they don't always deserve it, because it reflects better of yourself.

* All form of attack is a psychological cry for help by way of attention. 



Anime:

As for the last year (Senior Year) of high school, well... it came with MANY challenging things... some not so good, like being robbed, being beaten up twice, death threats, moving, a trip to Germany, summer collage & big scholarships, insane work and insane working hours, exhaustion, and more...

But, there were some GOOD lessons, which were NOT painful AT ALL!

Some art related ones...

Where to even start???

Having attended animation classes on scholarship, on the weekend, at The Philadelphia University of the Arts (U-ARTS) taught by Lowl Boston, it was normal for his adult full-time students to come in and sometimes help out with the classes, or even work on their work with us...

For whatever reason, many animation students would just drop out after having paid so much money for the classes... I NEVER understood this!

Do, animation was 1 of the BEST emotional feelings one could have when your art played back in motion on a pencil test machine! My MOST cherished memories of my ENTIRE LIFE!

But, anyways...

MOST, if not ALL, art schools HATED Japanese looking cartoons, or anime... the reasons why are SO obvious. They are often times CRAP, based on simple technique, not real artistic techniques, but cheating, are often bad stories, bad quality, the "animations" are often shot on 5s (yes that's animation geek talk for frame rate) and they're NOTHING but a "mange that slightly moves set to audio". Having seen anime from the 80s & 90s, the majority was just turds in a toilet because they were SO BAD! Mass produced junk... you know quantity VS. quality... well, I LOVED Disney, which was QUALITY, and I loathed anime which was junk! Much of it often still is...

However... since I'd already made up my own mind, having seen SO much junk anime, I'd judged & deemed it to be beneath me and NOT worth my time... yes, very snobbish, don't you think? (I mean. COME-ON! Have you EVER watched Sailor Moon? Good grief, it's SO BAD! Worst animation ever! The only thing it has going for it is the visual designs!)

But, this guy/student whom was about to graduate within a year at the University and was buddy buddy with Lowl (the animation teacher) liked anime. I remember discussing it with both of them, and we were all laughing about how bad anime was, but they still watched some.

Well, 1 day, Lowl decided that guy should show "Macross Plus" and they BOTH said I'd like it... but, whatever... I wasn't interested...

But, since it was on... I had to sit their and listen to it as I sat at my animation disk, doing my traditional pencil animations...

That guy said there were different versions of it. There was a movie version, and then there was a mini series version which was better... so, he had the episodes play 1 after the other...

As the 1st episode began, I was ALREADY starting to HATE it... but, it was an innovative animation piece that integrated computer & traditional animation to do things that NO OTHER animated film or series had EVER DONE.

But... again, just like several anime films, 1 of the main characters is an arrogant jerk... (Isamu)

By the time we got to the 2nd episode I was about to EAT MY WORDS! There was a musical concert scene of Sharon Apple that was SO eye-catching & lovely, and the artwork didn't look Japanese! It looked European! The music was SOOOOO good! It wasn't that annoying cutesy Japanese rock/pop music! It was all totally unique!

Not only that, but before I knew it I was getting into the story, even tho' I was in denile about it!

What REALLY got me was that the END has a melodramatic twist in it! A psychological twist! The person we'd all pegged to be an arrogant jerk, and thought was more of a bad guy, turned out wasn't all that bad... and the guy we'd thought was THE good guy actually was the one who did something bad to the girl, but because of his genetics, he'd blocked out the memories. So, he was blaming that guy, and trying to duke it out and kill him, he suddenly had a flask-back total recall, and realized HE was the villain! And, he thought he'd killed the guy! he felt totally wrong having dishonored himself, and realized that the guy didn't get blown up but turned off his engines and road the updraft. So, he fessed-up and they both realized that deep down inside, despite all the hate, that guy was actually protecting his feelings and took the blame for him, so when the ghost plane was hacked by the evil AI program, he sacrificed himself for his friend to redeem himself.

When I saw this film, I was SO moved. And, I'd learned a lesson too. Sometimes, some Japanese anime films might actually be good...Sometimes, it's possible to misjudge someone or something...but, you should fess-up to it, address it, make amends and move FORWARD.


By the time I'd gone to AIPH the way that all the other artists would bond with each other was by watching movies... usually it was anime...


I learned WHY Japanese animated products were so popular. It wasn't because of their artwork... no, because much of it stinks... It was ALL ABOUT THE STORIES!

Even if your art is ugly, but your story was GREAT, that often times mattered more than an expensive yet pretty video. Good stories MAKE YOU FEEL.

So, when I think of many of my concept for Lively, there's much inspiration from parts of Marcoss Plus, which I've watched OVER & OVER in several different versions, and have multiple soundtracks of! Turns out, there is TECHNO in the film!

Influences In The Making of "Lively": Dragons & 2 Animation Colleges

During the last 2-3 years of the 1990s, dragons seemed to pop in & out of popularity.

And, by 1997-2001, there was even a popular fashion trend with Chinese dragons on EVERYTHING! Not just men's clothing, but girls as well! I remember in 1999 & 2000 walking around at The Gallery Mall in Center City Philadelphia and EVERYTHING in all the girls' fashion shops had Chinese dragons on them, and wanting ALL of them!

I think I STILL have a pair of pants somewhere in my closet from '97/98.

But, at the end of high school, I found I was suddenly CRAZY about anything, and EVERYTHING with dragons!

The majority of the sketches & doodles I did of dragons in high school I don't have... it's mainly because I doodled them on my math papers, or scraps of paper...

I was having difficulty sketching the dragons, because I wanted to draw the wings, but I wanted them to look better. (In case you didn't know, I'm kinda famous for my wings in my artwork)

Sometimes around 1997/1998 I was already dreaming up stories or ideas about dragons, but I didn't quite know what to do with them yet... as I would commute to Philly from NJ to my animation classes on Saturday mornings, I would play my Disckman (CD Player) and listen to techno music, and stair our the window of the PATCO train, and my day-dreams would play out... I didn't quite know what to do with it tho', yet, and didn't have a whole coherent plan or story yet... just more of a feeling... some images in my mind...

Then, in 1998, Blümchen came out with a new single which was a remake of Rozalla's "Everbody's Free" called "Ich bin weider hier".  (I am again here)

This was one of those Eurodance popular themes of proto steam-punk themes very popular in the 1990s. It had already been done by other Eurodance/Rave Techno bands like in Dune's video for the song "Million Miles From Home", or that Egyptian+Techno Fusion of the band "Pharao".

Not only did the Blümchen video have the whole steam-punk vibe, it had a very heavy influence from "Titanic" which I'd worked as a concessionist & usher at AMC during, which was CRAZY that year and went on & on forever... but, the video had a wyvern in it (a dragon). The video had loads of interesting visuals, special effects, very good quality cameras. And, it totally fueled my imagination...

So, I began inventing my own story, and developing characters etc...

At first it was Lively... and, I was developing the dragon character further... But, it wasn't narrowed down yet...

During spring break in 1998 of my senior year in high school, Wolfgang (from Germany) sent me a taped copy of EVERY songs from EVERY album by Scooter (at the time), and it JUST arrived before I left to go on vacation with my two school mates, and 1 of there girls mother.

(The whole thing was like a string of bad luck. Before I left, the day before I went to the bank and withdrew $300 cash to have fun in FL. I left the money in my satchel I a locker at AMC. AND, some new boys that JUST started that morning robbed my money, and left the building.That was also sort of the start of the beginning of the end for AMC for me. It was a great place to work, but management changed, and I got put through Hell once I graduated higschool and went to summer school at the U-ARTS)

Before we drove down, my friend decided she & I ought to ditch her mother, and the blond girl and "go in the basement to talk with her grandmother".  What that actually meant was I'm taking you to go smoke a joint with my grandmother and the blond is no fun, and she's getting on my nerves.

So, there were were smoking 2 joints with her grandmother, opening up a vent by hand, and blowing the smoke into a wadded up towel so as not stink like expensive perfumed cannabis kind buds. After that, she drove most of the way herself higher than I was because she smoke almost double what I smoked, and I smoked A LOT! I also have asthma... But, that was the most unqiue high of my entire life! Better than ANYTHING I'd EVER smoked with my drug dealing little bro'.

So, I was in the back seat, and the blond girl (sitting to my right) kept turning to me telling me how she was irked with the chick that I got high with every hour or so. I think she KNEW that chick was high, but obviously didn't know that I was... Man, I was HIGH AS A KITE!

The drive is about 12 hours from Southern New Jersey, and these folks dilly-dally and take forever to up and leave... I did NOT know that... until I went on that trip...

So, by the time it got dark, I popped in 1 of the tapes of all the songs by "Scooter" that I'd LITERALLY only just gotten about a day or 2 BEFORE we left, and I was saving them SPECIFICALLY to listen to on the drive down to Florida! Now, when you're high, there's a possibility that some songs can effect how you feel, your mood, or even (if you're lucky) give you euphoria... it doesn't always happen tho'... but there were 2 specific tracks that whenever I heard them they caused me to have these AMAZING emotional sensations, that seemd to make my VERY SOUL vibrate with utter pleasure, bliss, and ecstasy! 1 track was on 1 side of the cassette, and 1 track was on the other. Both sides had a number of really great techno songs, that I loved VERY much, but these 2 songs made me have these amazing feelings! Incredible!

So, when I flipped the tape over again, to start to play the songs all over again, 1 of the songs played again, and I found myself experiencing those feelings yet again! Just utter waves of joy, ecstasy, sensation! Same thing happened YET again when I flipped it back, played the other side, and heard the other songs! It was SO amazing to me!

So, finally after finishing that side, I didn't really feel high anymore, but I wondered whether, or not, if I tried to play those songs, would it still happen??? So, I Fast-forwarded the tape, found the song, and BINGO! It happened AGAIN! In fact it happened EVERY TIME! Both songs! Fortunately they almost lined up on both sides of the tape!

This went on ALL night, and I was up even until dawn...

But, unfortunately, the following day... those feelings never came back... and no other weed could ever give that amazing experience again... However, the very listening of the tape, and all the songs, was to me a very spiritual-like experience! (Yeah... I know... it was drugs... but, it felt more than that to me...)

Listening to those songs, filled my mind with inspiration, and many of the stories involving the dragons, and Lively, began to start to form, further and further...

(There was also a 3rd song, which also gave me some feelings and sensations as well, but the other 2 were the most moving. However, this song was on the tape AFTER 1 of the tracks, which is WHY I kept thinking it was 2 songs! )

As for that whole spring break thing, it was going well until the end. The chick that drove us down kept drinking too much hard liquor and did way too much drugs... I have my limits, ya know? She kept saying she was gonna do this, this or that, but would just lay around and not do it, and the blond, whom was supposed to be her best friend did nothing but complain to me constantly into my ear about how much she hated everything that girl did.

I was really confused, because the girl's brother, mother, and relatives in FL were all so very nice to us when we were down there, but the blond was never happy with any of it.

Towards the end, my asthma was getting really bad, and my friend began smoking in the car... she also seemed to do things on purpose to stress herself out needlessly... I didn't understand why she was doing that, and she was fighting with her mother, plus she didn't have any sleep for 2 days. I have NO idea why, and even her mother offered to drive.

So, she parked the car, and we were all supposed to sleep for a few hours in Virginia. Then, randomly she started smoking in the car with the windows barely even open. next thing I knew I was having an asthma attack, really bad. The blond allegedly tried to come over to help me. I remember her saying stuff, and being concerned about me, but they told people I beat or attacked the blond, or in some versions I pushed the bond, or slapped the blond, or that I slapped the blond... None of that happened... What DID happen, however, was the girl that was smoking had some kind of raging fit. She started screaming, opened her car door wide open, flew my door open, then reached in like a person with roid rage, grabbed me and dragged me out of my seat, began beating me up really bad too! She dragged me across the pavement which broke my sandals (both of them) and practically mopped the pavement with me, as my legs were scraped and bleeding. She also dragged me by my hair, picked me up to hold my up to beat me, threw me down to beat me, kicked me in my kidneys, my stomach, punched me in the face, and tore up my clothes that I was wearing. She also screamed babbling nonsense words, and every once in a while she would say "bitch". 

I was so scared for my life that the only thing I could do to defend myself was to scratch at her, plus at the time I was still partly a Christian & a Pacifist at the time (even tho' I was slightly dabbling in Wicca, the Occult, Gnosticism, and New Age + Philosophy) , and you're NOT supposed to fight back, EVER. Christianity is weird...

I ran away into a gas station, and asked people to help me, and they called the cops. the cops showed up, but they didn't believe me. Since I scratched her to get her off me, she had more blood on her than I did. and, bruises take hours to show... 

Then, after a while they suddenly wanted to take me home, and asked me to go with them... but, I had a terrible vision of myself laying dead in a ditch, so I was scared for my life to go with them...

And, I stayed in the Police Station and waited for my mother & her boyfriend to drive down to Virginia to come pick me up.

I was late getting back to school by 2 days, because I had to go to a doctor, get X-rayed, and was prescribed with anti-inflammatory drugs. My urine was pink or orange because she's kicked my kidneys so hard...

Then, before I even went back to school, I had to call the principle and have all of my classes re-arranged so I couldn't be in the same classes with her anymore. I was SO scared for my life! 

By the time I got back to school there were millions of other stories, and versions that she kept telling and re-inventing...and, no matter who asked her to tell about it, she couldn't keep the story strait... 

She even had my ex, and a group of people gang up on me by stopping my car from starting... 

I didn't know who to trust, because I KNEW she was gonna try to turn my friends against me... but, when I told my closer friends that I wasn't gonna talk about it, because I KNEW she would most likely slip-up, and tell weirder and weirder versions, and be unable to keep her stories strait that it would prove that she was the guilty person, and I was the victim... that's exactly what happened, then when I finally told my best friend at the time, she actually did me a favor and tried to fish the girl for details... and, she earned my trust back, so I told my best friend my version, which was the real version, and before long, people heard my version, and began to seriously doubt that girl's credibility...

The odd thing was that the blond girl, whom was supposed to be that girl's best friend, did nothing but bitch about how much she hated her. But, as soon as she beat the living crap out of me, she quickly turned on ME, and kissed that girl's butt so much that it was WEIRD. I'd never seen an evil side of the blond in my life EVER. And, even tho' the girl that beat me up was telling wild tales about the story, that she was somehow the victim, and I was the drug addict (so I kinda wonder what other secret drugs she might've also been doing), the blond began doing the same thing, but even WEIRDER! I NEVER even DID anything to the blond!

Then, there was senior prom! the BOTH of them ganged up on me, and followed me like hell-raising mosquitoes to harass me... before, when I was nicknamed "Pocahontas" those 2 were the ones whom openly said THE MOST that they loved the name, loved my style, and admired my courage, and even stood up to bullies on my behalf, or stuck-up for me. I'd worked on projects with them, and even got that girl in a special project with me privately funded by the school, and we even had our own perks because of who were were. But, that night at the Prom in the hotel bathroom, I was in the stall and they began acting like mad crazed women, and started saying stuff like: "What kind of person thinks they're Pocahontas? That's an insane and sick idea! What kind of crazy bitch would do that?"
Then, it was cheap shots about how I spoke German, listened to German music, or techno music, or thought I was Blümchen." They even acted out mock killings of me. Then, they threatened my life, and said: Oh that kind of girl should watch out because she might end up dead. 

Then, the guy I went to the Prom with got his car's tire slashed...

There was plenty of other weird and fucked up things that happened after that... 

But, those are the ones that stick out the most... 

Then, about a week or 2 before graduation we had this sort of Senior Picnic in which the class (or 1998) would all go on buses to some rented barbeque park, eat burgers, and do activities, or lounge around... My best friend at the time, had been telling me for a few days that she had been talking to the girl that beat me up, and kept insisting that I should go talk with her to that girl, that she admitted some things, and that she regretted it and she was sorry... I was so friggin' scared out of my mind, and I think I even might have had a restraining order against her. She had like super villain strength, and this person whom I'd believed for my entire high school enrollment was my very good friend, just up and snapped and tried to kill me, kept threatening my life, damaging people's cars including mine, so I wasn't buying it... I figured perhaps it was some kinda trick or something... 'cause I was against it... 

But, my best friend even got some of my other friends to also try and help sway me to talk to her... At the senior picnic, my best friend said to me: Look, she's really sorry. She was crying, she feels bad. You're gonna go talk to her right now! Even tho' I protested, she and 2 other girls got me to agree to at least hear her out. So, the girl came over to talk to me...

It was an odd feeling... You could just SEE her face, she looked terrible. Stressed, and odd... she looked like she sort of hated life, and she didn't seem like she liked me... but, she sort of bowed her head to me, and has submissive apologetic body language... even tho' her eyes looked angry and crazy, from her mouth she started to apologize to me... sometimes she would grit her teeth, and she even looked like she was chocking back tears... she didn't so much say "sorry", but she said she felt bad, she wished she could un-do it, etc... and she kept talking... 

My best friend told me that she felt bad, and probably deep down inside she actually was my friend, and that she was probably just making a stupid teenaged mistake. Odd words from my friend since I was usually the wise one... but, then, the girl started crying, and she hugged me...

So, my best friend was like: OK, so, are we cool now? 

I wan't entirely sure whether to believe it or not... but, since suddenly everyone was watching, I decided it would be better, and more diplomatic if I just played along with it...

The blond, however, was SO obviously NOT happy about this. She stood there scowling at me with the dirtiest looks. And, she would still keep up saying the weird crazy things like she was saying before like the cheap shots about "Pocahontas" and being crazy... At 1 point the girl even told the blond off!

Also, this whole "makeup" thing was odd for me, because she just WASN'T the same person to me at all, it was NOTHING like before, nor the person I knew her as from before... yet, she would actually hang out around me, or near me those last 2 weeks of high school, semi-nonchalantly... but, there was just some odd vibe about her I couldn't quite understand... the blond however STILL had daggers for me, was VERY vocal about it. So, I wonder if maybe she was mad because that girl actually wanted to makeup with me to some degree, and even tho' they'd BOTH orchestrated whole lies, frauds, and vandalism against me, I guess she figured why stop now? Maybe it gave her some false sense of prejudiced based power trip. I don't know, and it's not really my place to judge. 

 I'd also had to attend award ceremonies, a number of them before we graduated, and I even had to do a speech and praise the girl that beat me up. The other girls on the project were scared of that girl too because they understood that she's actually beat me up, and that I was scared out of my mind from her.

Graduation sucked too... it didn't seem so much like the chick that beat me up was trying to ruin it for me, but the blond kept it up, in subtle, indirect, and direct ways. It was worse than "Mean Girls". At least she (if not both of them) had the guys whom were originally my friend heckle me.

Anyways, that was a long time ago... I have NO idea who they are anymore, what kind of persons they are, and even tho' I could judge them (very poorly) by their past actions... I don;t know whether I ought to hold it against them all the way, necessarily... I haven't even used their names either... But, you know me, if I wanted to go after injustice, and evil doers, it's no holds barred!

But.... I will say this... that MIGHT be the reason WHY I don't do BLOND characters, and if I do have them, they are villains... *shrugs*

Anyways, after graduation, I had a Half Tuition Scholarship given to me by the Animation teacher Lowl Boston, with award certificates, and everything. But, they wouldn't give me a scholarship to enroll full-time in the fall. Despite that, they CONSTANTLY called me PESTERING me to to enroll in the animation major there.

I'd already desided to enroll fulltime at AIPH (The Art Institute of Philadelphia) which had THE EXACT SAME TEACHERS as the U-ARTS, and for THE SAME associates degree that took 4 years to get there took only 2 at AIPH. Plus, AIPH supposedly garenteed graduates jobs in their fields...

Since there were NO other animation school in the area, and ANIMATION was NOT taught at ANY of the community colleges or Sate Universities in NJ, after reasearching as much as I could since I was 16 it seemed to me that AIPH was THE BEST choice, and I was VERY excited to go there! But, they screwed up my paperwork, and I couldn;t start in the Fall, but had to wait until Januray.

Meanwhile, not only was I attending FULL TIME classes that summer at the U-ARTS the new fucking managers at AMC kept fucking with my schedule! They would schedule me to work 8 days strait!!!! (there are ONLY 7 days in a week) So every 8 days I would get 1 day off, and I was exhausted! The hours they scheduled me for I also couldn't make it in time for, and NO ONE would ever bother to TRY to take up the slack for my hours, even tho' I ALWAYS did so for them (because I guess that's what ur supposed to do if ur a good Christian, be everyone's bitch to kick around, then forgive them and pray for them because you're "supposed to be the better man").

I got so flustered and frustrated every time the new schedule came out because I'd JUST told them I HAVE COLLEGE CLASSES from MON-FRI at THESE specific HOURS, plus stuff ON THE WEEKEND for about 6 weeks! Then, these assholes were like: well you need to submit that to me IN WRITING! I was like: I DID! I handed it TO YOU, TO YOUR FACE, IN YOUR HAND! I REMINDED YOU ON THE PHONE. YOU SAID EVERYTHING WAS FINE, and YOU WOULD TAKE CARE OF IT!
Yet, every week THE SAME DAMNED THING!

After the 4th time, I freaked the fuck out in the Lobby! Now, back then, I was calm cool, and collected... but, not only that, I was under tremendous pressure from the U-ARTS to go toe EVERY friggin' party, and EVERY event JUST because I got a scholarship award! They chewed me out almost every week over EVERYTHING!

Not only that but they had told me they were FINE with the fact that I couldn't attend THE LAST WEEK because I was going to Germany.  But, the bitch in charge of the Summer School program LOVED to rub that in my face! She would even LOOK for reason to chew me out!

WTF! I'd always been treated as an adult at the U-ARTS before, and this bitch talked to me like I was 12!

So, lets just say the year 1998 wasn't exactly a great year for me, and not only that but in 1997 the day before my birthday, just about 1-2 weeks before senior year started, my dad's girlfriend got my dad drunk and had HIM beat me up, brutally, then I ran away to live with my mother in my barefeet. the next day was my birthday, and I turned 18.

So, after I came back from Germany in August I was VERY sick, and had tonsillitis & step throat. I was too sick to work at AMC for about 2 weeks, yet they still kept pressuring me to sign up to be a supervisor, even tho' My mom and her boyfriend decided they were moving us all to Southern Delaware. They moved ON my brithday.

Lemme tell you, I am probably the the single most person on the entire planet Earth that has had THE WORST BIRTHDAYS throughout my ENTIRE adult life. (Last year sucked REALLY bad too!)

DRAGONS

It was during my time at the U-ARTS that summer that I really started to form these concepts for the dragon stuff, and also involving Lively...

They handed out these hard covered, square shaped, ring bound sketch books. Not standard sketchbook sizes, kinda small actually. But, we were all handed these. All majors, not just animation majors.

And, the bitch in charge of the whole summer school thingy was the type of artsy-fartsy weirdos that's more of a "crafter" than an artist. By that I mean "arts & crafts" not actual art... that and MODERN art... which is mostly SHIT and talentless, but they will try to spin it as tho' it's "the art of ideas", or "intellectual" art. Look, Duchamp in my opinion was a genius, and a number of the original movement in modern arts, and abstract art were the geniuses, and mind blowing... but, pretty much everyone else is a wanna-be, and it's because THEY ARE LAZY, and SUCK AT DRAWING! These are also the types that always go on & on about "texture" as tho' they were some kind of actual artist... "Oh, well, I like texture." Or they do or TEACH pottery, but they think that SMOOSHING it makes it somehow better. The idiots that slap paint around and call it art, and make REAL artists have a bad reputation... Or painted who ONLY paint "still life" like bowls of fruit, or flowers, even tho' ANYONE could do shit like that, and it would still look like fruit or a flower... 

Yeah, she was 1 of those... 

I kept winning awards and prizes while I was the U-ARTS which you could SEE on her face that she HATED. 

Look, I really was nice to her, and I was mostly still a Christian back then... so, if I come off as being snobby, or elitist, I'm sorry... but, I hate being put down, or told what I should or should do or be like, by someone that has less tallent and skills in their whole brain let alone their entire body than I did even at age 18 in just my pinky! This bitch could make or break me too... What? You STILL don't ike the way I'm kissing ur ass? Well, maybe she should tell me how my ass tastes?

(Can ya tell I'm angry in retrospect?)

Anyways in her misguided ideals she thought that since we were ALL artists that we OUGHt to "decorate" out sketchbooks. The covers that is... Da-fuck???

I personally couldn't give a SHIT what the cover of my sketchbook looks like! I'm not some dumb-assed scrap-booker crafter HACK! I'm and ACTUAL artist! I didn't want some gaudy shit all over the cover! I happend to LIKE the simplistic elegant plain BLACK hard cover...

and, almost NO ONE actually WANTED to "decorate" the sketchbook. The purpose of the sketch book, is TO PUT YOUR ART INSIDE OF IT! And, the cover protects it! Especially if you were a GUY why the FUCK would he want to glue tissue paper, fabrics, or dorky paper on it? THEY ARE DUDES!

But, to get this Bitch off my back, I used a Blümchen sticker and "decorated it". pretty much EVERYONE just put stickers on their sketchbooks. Bands, like Wu-Tang, or heavy Metal bands, or hardcore Punk, or Disney movies like The Lion King...
If you had a corn-ball fucked-up weirdo looking cover, that looked like something a Kindergartener would do, somehow in her opinion that was THE BEST!

Man! In retrospect, I ust look back at my younger self and I think: WHF? I actually used to "respect athority" and still play this whole "everyone's opinion has some validity sometimes" bullshit! 

But, today, i'm NO LONGER a Christian, and on reevaluating this whole thing I've come to a conclusion. That chick was A BITCH, on a Power trip. She thought that since she was in charge of the Summer School Programs at the University that it somehow validated to her that she was some sort of "Success", a great artist, a strong woman, etc... No. it went to her head! 
I got ZERO respect for people like that. I've had some REAL leaders to look up to in my life time, true alphas and they WERE NOT bitches like that! And she was an Ageist hack that deserves me to look down at her! 

But, in that sketchbook was where I started to dream up, and sketch out most of my concepts for my dragon characters, specifically Djehkäujaa.

I do still have a number of my earlier sketches and concept work. And, I just found them, so I WILL have to scan and publish them...

But, I think this blog entry has gone on long enough for 1 entry.... and, I feel SO much better having let it all out! ;) Creatively & constructively!

So, look forward to me publishing those sketches in my next blog entries...