I was often conflicted about a character I had in mind for my stories...
I even RP'ed some stuff because I didn't know what to do with it...
I even made a boy character on IMVU to play with some ideas/concepts.
It kept changing... but, I think, there's nothing wrong with having more than 1 character.
The mane male character I've called other names in the past. But, I think I will be sticking with the name Xingtao.
But, again with the Taoism stuff.... I couldn't be sure of the specific name written down. (Chinese)
I was originally calling him: 星套 ( Xintao/Xingtao) meaning "Star Set" or "Stared Sleeves" or "Jacket of Stars".
But, I think I like this better: 兴涛 (Xingtao) meaning something like Euphoric Waves of the Interesting... or sort of meaning an intense attractiveness mentally but also coming at you...
I don't know how to explain it in English, and My Chinese isn't that great, and I still can't even hand write the word 涛 which is difficult for me. It's a very abstract meaning... and, I'm unfortunately more ignorant than "in the know" on these matters... :(
Chinese often has a way of having a massively large meaning in just a few words... in Western languages we don't always have this, and nowhere near the same thing...
As I was developing the character over the years, I always felt he had 2 sides; an introvert, and an extrovert. I also wrote him as having secrets, and a hidden identity.
Introvert Xingtao Concept
Extrovert Xingtao Concept
But, I think I would also like to create some other characters as well, because I think it makes the story have more of a richness and depth.
I actually find both versions of him to be very exciting.
So, I think I still like the idea of him having different moods and temperaments depending on the situations or social circles... But, I can't decide if I want him to be fair skinned, or having a nice rich deep tan. I suppose he could be both....
兴涛
兴涛
兴涛
I do think I'm definitely doing other characters, because I think young persons, including girls, should be attracted to more than 1 person... it just makes sense, and I think that's more interesting, and better story telling. I don't think I would go more than 4 others, tho'. Perhaps less....
And, since I'm kinda leaning more towards a more European stint on dealing with this aspect, it makes more sense to have more than 1 interesting male, even if there's a mane male character that will eventually head to other things within the story...
I'm also thinking I might start him off with long hair, but then he cuts it... I think that's rather realistic also. Since young men whom have long hair, tend to eventually cut it.
I also admit, that I find the idea of designing other characters, or even refining the character development of Xingtao as VERY exciting. He's pretty sexy!
I've been tearing apart my home trying to find the original sketched of the ones I have the ugly inked versions of on my old portfolio model sheet.
I honestly HATE the inked versions. But, due to RULES that were supposedly animation industry standards at the time, we have to ink the work. I HATE HATE HATE my inked work.
Also, the instructors made me alter my inked work several times cutting out a lot of details.
Ironically, I still have a lot of model sheets from big companies back then that were rough, sketchy, or uninked work... and, by today's standards including Japan and even 3D or film effects anmiation they no longer have this idea that everything must be inked drawings.
I believe my instructors meant well... at the time, they believed in this ideas of a term they often used in the old Animation Magazines called either "anible" or "animable" depending on who was talking, and yes I sat through countless lectures and animation festivals... basically, it means "able to animate". The concept was that in order to animate something ( i.e. hand drawing traditional animation) that the artwork needed to be simplified. It makes total sense if you think about it, and gives you less work, so you can animate more. this was one of those Holy Grail ideas that people all echoed over & over... but, if you watched Don Bluth films, various Disney Films, and any number of untold independent shorts in any number of festivals, this rules was OFTEN BROKEN.
Yes, it takes a lot of work, and a lot more time, to do something by hand drawing if it has more details... I KNOW THAT. I UNDERSTAND THAT....
And, I "get it" that a potential employer would look at your portfolio and probably want a person whom can mass produce art that is simple, and not "waste time" on details.... but, at the same time, they ALSO want to see what your IDEAS ARE, HOW YOU THINK, and just HOW DETAILED AND SKILLED YOU CAN BE, or ACTUALLY ARE....
With all of the deadlines shoved onto me, and with so many restrictions, I felt I did rather well in meeting their demands... however, specific instructors whom had a visceral hate for women would just make up reasons to fail me.
When the other students had a portfolio done, it was common for other students to want a copy of it from the photo copier. Even my unfinished portfolios, and "failed" portfolios were SO sought after by my fellow students that they would ask me to copy it, in the classroom, even before the teacher even saw them, which might have pissed him off further.
And, whenever I gave a newer version copy to my favorite teacher, he would also make copies because everyone wanted a new copy of mine. And, in a stack of stapled copies of my 'failed" or "unfinished" portfolios would even get requests from other people, whom I didn't even know as either I was making copies, or that teacher.
However, in my opinion, all of the revisions to especially my BEST WORK actually made it less than good. I don;t like it at all.
I prefer my pencil work SO MUCH MORE.
I came to this realization even harder when I worked at Top Cow in 2005 (unpaid) because there were "pencilers", specifically 1 in particular at the time, whom refused to have his work inked, and drew his line work in such a way as to be ink-like. But, his work also had a nice feel to it. A common question was "Who did his inks? Does he do them himself?" because the work was so different looking... and the editor or producer would always strike up a conversation about how that artist refused inking or inkers and that the line work was entirely in pencil.
It was such a common conversation topic that I changed my mind on inking entirely. I was already working on "line quality"anyway... so, why bother with ink?
I also don't like digital inking tools. I HATE THEM.
Anyway, I don't know where some of my sketchbooks from 1999-2001 are because there's definitely many that are missing, and a number of portfolio folders with my punched "animation papers" in them.
I also lost my sculpture of Djehkäujaa.
1 thing I want to point out is that Djehkäujaa has segmented parts of her skin, such as her neck & tail.
My friend Silver Moon Nightwing (Kristen Buckner) often referred to my dragon as "mammalian" meaning "mammal-like". But, actually, I based a lot of her more on dinosaur anatomy/biology.
I designed her to have tight yet very flexible skin, but also rough. The reason it's rough is because in flight it will cause micro turbulences, similar to how a golf ball works in flight, or the skin of a shark in water, that causes them to fly faster, in effect gliding better through the air.
Her skeletal structure is also cartilage and her wings are firm, yet also have a good amount of flex to them.
If you understand the anatomy of bones and skulls, and you understand how lips work or function you can somewhat accurately determine how large lips would be on an animal. There's holes in the skulls specifically FOR the nerves to reach the lips through the skull. It works like this: the larger the hole for the nerves to pass through the skull, the larger the lips will be.
If you look at the skull of a horse, you can see they have a large hole for the nerves, and they also have big lips. If you look at a moose, which has HUGE lips, it has an even bigger hole in the skull where the nerves come out. Canines and felines also have significant lips to grab onto the meat they need to consume.
I actually took a large interest in this because I sat through a lecture in the late 1990s describing how an Apatosaurus actually have giant moose lips based on JUST the size of the hole in the skull for the nerves. I also noticed this on other dinosaur skulls as well, and even took a lot more notice of this on animals that were alive today.
That is why Djehkäujaa has large lips.
In some ways she has some dog-like and horse-like anatomy.
Regarding her "detailed look" I actually disagree. From my perspective, for ME, I have kept her very sleek and simplified FOR ME. She doesn't have grand scales, or tons of horns, or spikes. Despite the grand size, she's agile & nimble.
Her skin also has special abilities to change color or bend light becoming almost invisible. She has vision like an eagle, and posable thumbs. She can read, write, talk, sing, hum, and do many things a human could.
So, when it comes to animating her... I've seen it done many times... there's this THING called ROUGH ANIMATION, and KEY FRAMES.... maybe you've heard of it....
Then, later on, you can do something called CLEAN UP and REFINING...
In fact, most rough animations and keyframes, often get redone ANYWAY....
JUST SAYING....
I do NOT have a problem with trying to animate my own character. FFS have you EVER seen Glen Keane's BEAST character in a film called Beauty & The Beast? He didn't draw it all in 1 day... and other animators also worked on it WITH HIM.
So, calm the hell down.... it's GONNA BE OK...
I know people think they're somehow well-meaning, or that their somehow helping me, or giving me good advice...
I also don't talk about everything regarding her... because it's very extensive, and INSIDE OF MY HEAD... so, you just don't KNOW, and don't SEE all the work and effort, and consideration in it...
Or, there's the people whom think I'm an arrogant uppity person.... just based on something I wrote, and DON'T EVEN KNOW ME.
I already KNOW I'm not the best at everything... and that's not the point.
There is no such thing as a "best artist" only ur own PERSONAL BEST.
I might not be that great today, and certainly not MY BEST today... but, tomorrow is another day...
That one is actually based on a dream I had when I was about 6 years old. This story I re-did for my Eyewitness project concept work... but, I actually was writing it, originally, for my dragon project...
It could fit to either one...
I've written a number of versions of the dream I had as a child, and published various short stories of it throughout the internet since the 1990s. I have no idea what happened to them since then, tho'...
Let's be very clear about this: There are not 2 Djehkäujaas, there is 1!
Djehkäujaa is a DRAGON!
See? She's a DRAGON!!!!
But, then she screws up REALLY BAD... and THEN she's a Humanoid!
Actually, she looks just like a human, and smells very much like one, and there's actually a number of VERY FUNNY indirect things because of that!
Even tho' I DO NOT intend this to be a comedy, there's several FUNNY bits in the story, all about her!
For one, her name is Djehkäujaa... but, most people can't pronounce her name correctly!
So, not only does she hate being a human, and looks so much like a human, but the humans can;t pronounce her name! She gets REALLY MAD!
OK, for English speaking people It sounds like "Jeh-koy-yaa"
See the double "aa" at the end of her name? That is a Looooong held vowel.
But, for many Germanic language speaking people, they can ALL pronounce her name correctly! ^_^
If you've EVER taken basic lessons in standard High German (Hoch Deutsch) then you WILL be able to pronounce the name, ;P
It's kind of a parody of my own name (Kandice) since people often mispronounce it when I'm in other countries, or in America, people often my write my name and spell it some other way. In Germany, NO ONE AT ALL could pronounce my name, not in Nederland! SO I had to write my name like this: Kändiß or Kändiss... but, even when I wrote it THAT WAY the "i" as they pronounce it would become "ee" like Kandeess... or they would call me "Ken-diss".
Literally, my brother, father, and grand father are named Ken! WTF!?
And, in China, kandice becomes "Kan de si" which means "Able To Hack To Death".
Oh, great! :-/
Then, that was changed to "Kai di se" which kinda means something like "Hey! Fetch me some silk, yo!" or something... But, I don't like THAT because in German "Kai" is a MAN'S NAME!!!!!
After reading a number of Chinese novels, and watching untold numbers of Kung Fu movies, and Chinese daytime & prime time soap operas... I was like Screw this!
I need a Chinese name. the Ming Zi standard kind. Not this dumb creepy or dorky foreigner sounding name.
So, my ACTUAL Chinese name is 任思麒 Ren SiQi. There's a whole long story about that also....
AND, I'm SURE u can't pronounce it either! LOL! XD
It's also a name I can use in other parts of South Asia, including Japan, Korea, and Indonesian areas where they use written Chinese, but all pronounced totally differently.
Another funny thing is her wings and tail...
Well.... she doesn't always have them..... she also doesn't know why.... (I do, tho')
When she first becomes a humanoid, she still has them, but they "burn away" like acid... Poof!
She's, of course, devastated & traumatized by this.... BECAUSE SHE'S A DRAGON.
But, then, they randomly can come back, painfully, and just pop right up... often at THE WORST MOMENTS... so, there's some comedy in there...
When Djekäujaa is a dragon, she's so free spirited that she's reckless and careless. But, as a Humanoid she's SO EMO, glum, depressed, or stern, because she's SO DEVASTATED, regretful, humiliated, and lost. Like grief within grief.
Also, she was never supposed to be among humans, and was originally very curious about them, but being stuck as a humanoid form is so revolting to her, because she thought so highly of herself as a DRAGON. And, she will tell you: I AM A DRAGON!
However, being stuck as a human form, means she must adapt... and, altho' she resents it at first, knowing dragons SHE LIKES SHINY THINGS! ....oh... and SHE Starts to get a MAJOR SHOE COLLECTING FETISH!
So, more and more, she starts to take on a lot of characteristics of a human woman, like going CRAZY for SHOES!
I've been going through a lot of my old sketchbook stacks looking for sketches of Djehkäujaa, but Lively is apart of that picture/story. I found a lot of stuff, and, some is terrible. I just want to scan it and show it, or put it out there, to prove its REALLY MINE.
Lively, herself, is is some ways like my own personal "Mickey Mouse", so to speak... to put it in an analogy:
Mickey Mouse is to Disney, as Lively is to Kandice Zimbleman/BlackUniGryphon.
I have been writing stories of Lively even before I even named her. I wrote stories about her in Middle School since at least the 6th grade, often as spooky stories, Halloween stories, ghost stories, or almost Alice in Wonderland or Oz type stories of stumbling into another world, or an unusual circumstance. She was a Disney princess, American Style Marvel Comics super hero/heroine, Star Trek science officer, etc.... But, in some ways she was like me, in the same way that playing with barbie dolls is also an extension of yourself.
I definitely played with Barbie dolls, My Little Pony, She-Ra action figures and I LOVED TO PLAY WITH Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles and X-MEN action figures! I had 3 brothers, and my cousins in Pennsylvania were both boys. The only neighbor kids we could play with on my street growing up were also only boys.
It was because of Star Trek TNG and X-MEN then Lively became 2 girls for a long time, throughout Middle School, and early in High School, named Hedrol & Kestrel/Kestra. She also had a friend whom lived in the woods that was named Osprey that was a Hippie that lived in the woods.
By the mid 1990s I felt Kestrel & Hedrol were too unoriginal, and too much like Marvel Comics & Star Trek and I often got nasty criticisms from some boy artists I knew in my town. So, I took out the wild stuff of Kestrel and stuff with the more trendy 90s fashions, yet some earthy adventurousness, and Lively began to really become something for real... at least to me, she was...
Some non-artists in high school, or ones I knew from middle school, would ask me: Who is that girl? What girl? That girl you always draw?
I thought it was a strange question for a non-artists, and so many of them, to keep having the effrontery to ask me such a thing! Why did she need a name? And, I also felt I clearly drew different girls at times....
This annoyed me... and many of my best ideas were things that annoyed me during Spring Break. Every single artistic breakthrough, or new thing I came up with always was during a Spring Break... except for Senior Year in High school...
I've told the story before, but Lively is a person full of life, and this was LONG BEFORE Pocahontas was a Disney film! But, I got the name from the REAL Princess Pocahontas which in her language means "Lively" or "Frolicsome". Or "full of life".
Lively is everyone's friend, a kind person, a strong person, and not held by gender boundaries. IN some ways like what the brand Barbie was meant to be.
BUT, LIVELY IS NOT A BLOND!
Lively, has NEVER BEEN, and NEVER WILL BE A BLOND!
I HATED the idea when I was a kid that BLOND was beautiful! That I wasn't GOOD ENOUGH as just me. I was also a fat kid in middle school.
I happen to think Brunette is BEAUTIFUL.
AND, Lively shall FOREVER be a Brunette BEAUTY. But, I have depicted her in different colored hair: black, brown, dark red, blood red, red brown, purple, blue, dark green, and anything DARK. NO WHITE or BLOND., and NO PINK! NO F@#$ING WAY!
I pretty much kept my hair as either natural or the occasional black in college because I F@#$ING HATED THIS PUSHED IDEA THAT EVERYONE NEEDS TO BLEACH THEIR DAMNED HAIR! Fuck ur chemicals! I grew out my hair long, natural for the most part, and if I ever used color in my hair it wasn't permanent. Fuck ur made-up marketing slogan "blonds have more fun"! Because I had more dates, offers, male flirtings, hook-ups and more, and I never once bleached my hair! I also wasn't racist, and was pretty equal opportunity in dating & hooking up with a diverse amount of men. The whole idea of "the all American" was so disappointing to me... And, yes, I even hooked up with sexy secular Muslim men in college. And, it was rather nice. :)
I kept getting Animation Scholarships at the UARTS in Philly in high school since I was a Sophomore. The animation teacher, Lowel Boston, kept giving me them, and they kept getting bigger and better... they often gave them to me TOO LATE, so I had to wait a semester or whatever.
After having gone almost EVERY SATURDAY (when I was actually enrolled into the classes) I already KNEW all of the Saturday classes' lessons, so I wanted to do my own thing. Many of the students already did whatever they wanted anyway, and the teacher Lowel was fine with that. So, I wanted to actually try to many something. that's when Lively began to really become a permanent thing in my life from then on.
Much of her distinct looks started at the UARTS, or when I was at home, designing stuff for my next projects to work on at the UARTS on the Penciltest Machine!
Animation is the greatest joy of my entire life!
Lively also helped me (metaphorically) create Djehkäujaa. Towards the end of high school, I don't know why, but I became SO ENAMORED with dragons! I went through a dragon phase as a little kid for a while, and also in 6th-7th grade.... But, dragons became such a thing with me, that I put them on my clothes, and next thing I knew fashions in 1999-2002 had Chinese dragons all over them for girls/women.
I could already FEEL a setting forming in my mind... and I already had my concept for "Eyewitness" starting... but, I didn't know what to do with it....
When I went to AIPH my friends Shannon & Kyle and their network of friends were all designing characters, and creating all kinds of wonderful things! Then, my characters really started to become a lot more to them.
And, my Character Design class with Don Bluth/Disney Animator, Sam Bullock, really made me develop the characters, and the stories.
Among the many things I wrote for Lively, including "Eyewitness", and the still Untitled Dragon Project, I wrote a little series for her called "Lively's Mini Unicorn" which is actually very funny and cartoonist, but also depicts the free spirit of Lively. I would like to rewrite some of it actually, but also to finish it. It's a totally different story than the Untitled Dragon Project, but a similar setting and place... I could easily see it as a novel series, but also as a manga (Japanese style comic book/graphic novel).
I'd published different versions of the first 3 chapters online on various websites since the early GW Bush era, then rewrote it and added new chapters on my Deviant Art gallery around 2005 or so... I actually really like the basis of the story. Its a mix of a few different influences from the time period, and it's both whimsical, magical, and silly. But, I think I want to remove some of the neo-pagan "spiritual" parts...
Scanning old vintage sketches, character design, and concept art...
I've torn apart my house looking for my old sketches of Djehkäujaa.
In case you haven't noticed yet, she's a dragon. But, she also has a humanoid form, and there's a reason for that.
Unfortunately, trying to find all my of best work of her is very difficult, and have serious trouble trying to find them!
Luckily, I found some of her character design head sketches.
I've scanned a number of the sketches in high resolution, and I've been cleaning up some, and publishing them to my DeviantArt gallery.
In honor of post the sketches of her her, I'd like to include this song by the German band "Scooter" called "The First Time" which if you listen to the song, the mood is very much an inspiration to this concept work, and her. The mood very much captures some of what I want for my project, in 1 part. Actually, I feel a number of vintage 1990s (Eurodance, techno, trance, electronica) European music (some Japanese inspiration also) inspires me intensely in the creation of this, where as my "Eyewitness" project is more of a UK synth pop music inspiration and some modern fusion stuff from California.
I really loved the old vintage Scooter music, even tho' I believe all of it is good over the years. Their band members have changed a number of times. Usually, their music has the vocals of HP Baxter, but this one does not.
Even tho' I generally have a major major dislike for "Drum N Bass" styles of garage music, this one is more of a Euro Trance style. the mood it has, keeping the composition simple but with layers of sound effects in the arrangement effectively expresses the mood. Also, the female vocal with a foreign accent adds to that haunting & strange yet beautiful mood feeling...
I would also recommend that if you are not sober, to be careful when listening to this song, because it's a very moving experience that you will not experience while sober.
However, I felt I wanted, and the project its self wanted, to have and make an entirely new and original song in a slightly similar style, but totally new and original. I would prefer my new version to probably be either a 2-step rhythm (dub step) instead of drum n base, or just Psy Trance style with 4/4 beats....
Also, I feel I might like a slight touch of Eastern fusion into it...Scooter had a down tempo single "She's The Sun" which had some Eastern fusion in it... but, a totally different style. t.A.t.U. has a slight bit of that Eastern fusion vibe in the song "Stars" If you like Eastern Fusion music, you might like Stellamara or their remixes, or Temple Step Project, or Beats Antique. However, I feel this old Scooter track style and mood fit it better than those which are either too hard, too soft, or a different mood altogether.
If the song and the sketches don't seem to make any sense to you, or seem unrelated, or you don;t understand it. let me put it to you this way:
Imagine you were a dragon all of your life, and then you screwed up really bad, and found yourself totally alone in the desolate wilderness like the plains of Mongolia, far away from anything and anyone familiar to you.... bewildered, lost and confused, and even you were not the same.... your body is not the same.... and, you look down into pond of water and see your face, as not your face.... as a different face that you didn't recognize... No one to help you, no one to recognize you, and nothing will ever be the same ever again.... not even you.
Here are the High Resolution Scans that I somewhat cleaned-up.
These sketches here aren't very good. they're very terrible rough doodles, and they also didn't scan very well either, nor clean-up very well for that matter...
Here are some of my earlier concept sketches, and experiential sketches I did with "Lively".
Lively pretty much, pretty often, went through most of whatever I did, however, I don't like to make her go through very bad things. I believe she deserves much better than that...
I was very inspired by this very fantasy proto steam-punk theme, like I'd said in my previous post, from the rave culture of Eurodance, and Happy Hardcore, and other techno bands in Europe... So, I had all these feelings, concepts and ideas inspired from all kinds of these musics, and esthetics, and all of that whirling around in my mind and my day dreams... I'd already been dreaming up my project "Eyewitness" (which I will blog about in another blog) since I was also a teen.
But, for my Dragon Project (which I'd originally named "Guardian" but I have since then scrapped the name) as I have said, it started out that a number of the scenes were of Lively.
Here are 2 of my original concepts, and I DO have some story boarded.
Eventually, I had to change up the story, because I KNEW the story had dragons, and especially 1 dragon, but, I didn't know how to make her yet... Then, during my 1st & 2nd quarters at AIPH I began developing my dragon character, Djehkäujaa. She would have a number of quirks, idiosyncrasies, and be the type of personality that needs to learn EVERYTHING the hard way, by being foolish, and making SUCH big mistakes that she MUST learn VERY hard lessons. Unlike Lively whom is very carefree & bohemian yet VERY thoughtful & wise, Djehkäujaa starts out as being CARELESS, selfish, and completely oblivious to consequences of her actions & causality. So, when she has to pay the price for what she does/did, she not only is STUCK with her punishment, she's also banished. She never appreciated who & what she was, and what she had until she screwed it all up... So, as she's in a humanoid form, she's very sulky, solemn, and depressed. VERY bitter too. She did it to herself, and has ONLY herself to blame. And, she feels utterly guilty & self loathing about it.
That's where Lively comes in... and, they both have to deal with each other...
But, anyways, the story worked! The ironic thing is, my villain character, at the time, I'd thought might've been TOO over-the-top. I was afraid audiences would reject the story for having SUCH a horrible villain. But, after having lived through the Bush & Obama eras of extreme wealth, greed, and corruption he seems MUCH tamer than real life, now.
For me, I learned some lessons myself, but they're not as bad as all that.
Life Lessons: Standing Up To Abusive Authority Despite Religious Ideology
I'd had a misogynistic art teacher that utterly abused me. He didn't think he was wrong either. It seems like they never do...
Ironically, his original teaching methods were very good in my 1st year. I learned VERY much from him, and my skills & talents took off after his simple basic instructions for the fundamentals of pencil sketching, blending, and painting, as well as old school graphic art.
I was told, and everyone was told, that we could learn & study animation starting in our Junior year.
I'd won so many awards, scholarships, etc. all the time, but this teacher was so smug and full of himself, that he couldn't acknowledge me, his student.
His own work, beyond the basics was just so-so. And, he would ONLY praise his past students if they were male.
So, when it came time to study the animation, he kept lying, and putting it off, or changing the subject. I kept experimenting with a Painter program (animation) on the computers, because he wouldn't teach us, and, he let everyone else run wild (which is an understatement IF YOU ONLY KNEW).
Finally, even tho' I had already been going to classes at the U-ARTS in Philadelphia on partial scholarships, I confronted him about the animation. When were we gonna do it? Then, he lied and said that Iwas crazy, that he'd said no such thing, and that was the end of it... (So Ha-ha! Did that actually matter to you? Oh well, deliberate SAD DAY FOR YOU!)
But, that wasn't the end of that, he'd goaded the upperclassmen to berate me, rob & destroy my things, and viciously harass me, in waves, and for entertainment!
This was a homework assignment. We had to draw faces/portraits of people from magazines, like celebrities, or public figures, in graphite pencils.
I got an A+ on this. There was NO ONE in the class whom could draw ANYTHING like this. NOT EVER during the entire time I went to the class/shop...
But, after a while, he started to give me bad grades, bad marks, and WANTED ME TO DO THE WORK FOR OTHERS! After the 2nd or 3rd time doing this, I began getting REALLY angry...
Now, mind you, I was supposed to be a Protestant Christian. You are NOT supposed to fight back, you are NOT supposed to have bad or angry thoughts, you are NOT supposed to judge people (Forgive them for they know not what they do), you are JUST supposed to FORGIVE people, and PRAY for them, and LOVE them altruistically... ALL the more reason as to WHY they were SOOOO vicious to me, AND the teacher ABUSED his power by GOADING the class AGAINST ME! (Power dynamics)
He barely lifted a FINGER to help me, EVER! AND, whenever he did, he'd abrasively scrape & rub it in my face, and threw salt in it!
When I won awards, he would parade around to other teachers with MY paintings & artwork showing off HIS STUDENT!
Look at what a GREAT teacher I am!
Smiling, and getting attention from all the other teachers.
Then, when he'd come BACK into the classroom, his face would change, and his gaze was ever hateful & spiteful to me! Just because he didn't use inappropriate words, didn't mean what he said, or his tone, nor the way he treated & abused me, made it correct or appropriate at all...
Not a SINGLE fellow student would stand up for me, and yet they also would agree that he singled me out to pick on me specifically.
After he'd screwed me over for another chance to have my artwork hung in Congress (because I'd had my work exhibited the previous year), promised to matt my illustration, and didn't, then it was too late, he turned on me. He started yelling at me saying he NEVER promised that, and that I'd NEVER even asked him, when I'd asked him, all day, every day, for 2 months! Then, he got the other students to gang up on me. So, Ha-ha!
I couldn't believe this was really happening! AND, it was getting worse!
A BIG student art festival was coming up, and we ALL had to get our art ready for "The Teen Arts Festival" and some others. So, of COURSE, NOW he wanted to matt my illustration. But, the problem was this guy in the class. A senior... I think his name was Brian, maybe... This guy NEVER did his work, didn't do ANYTHING, yet his grades were good, and mine now weren't so good...
The teacher wanted ME to do this jerks work! I REFUSED!
Then, he pestered me! I still said: NO!
So, he went on and on about how my grades were slipping, and how I could do so much better... WHAT THE HELL??? You want ME to do the artwork OF THE BOYS???? But, I AM SLIPPING??? I COULD DO BETTER??? MAKE THEM DO THEIR OWN WORK! AND DON;t GIVE THEM a GRADE for WHAT I DID!
The majority of the students in the shop were FEMALE (more than 1/2 of whom were drug addict bimbos whom turned tricks, or boasted about their slutty sex lives. But if I wore anything slightly sexy, oh no, I'm a bad person!), many of the guys dropped out!
There was even a boy, whom COULD actually draw, passed all the tests, but the teacher wouldn't let him into the class because he thought he was ugly!
Meanwhile he let some Satanist randomly come into the class with us, and draw hideous things EVERYWHERE against his OWN RULES!
Some of the idiot girls even drew PENISES EVERYWHERE! On the chalk boards!
But, he would manage to get the TV signed-in for our class-room EVERY DAY so these morons could watch "The Faces Of Death" which got more & more morbid as the videos progressed, and eventually with this horribly noisy audio punker music which gave me a migraine and I couldn't do my work!
ALL kinds of ILLEGAL SEXUAL HARASSMENT going on!
(I used to give lectures an talks in my senior year about this sort of thing! And, here, I was the victim of it!) The Satanist used to tell me "You have nice lips" and that they would look pretty around his cock. The teacher thought this was amusing.
So, then this guy (not the Satanist), let's call him Brian, gets SO heavily into drugs that he starts to bring HARD DRUGS to the school! And, of course, because he's a fool, he gets CAUGHT!
He had a physical fight, and yelling match, with the art teacher, and then began making massive trouble with the school principals. He was so wacked out on drugs, that he was acting out, and going literally insane! So, teams of cops came into the building, and they had him in CHAINS, and dragged him away. (I remember watching him get hauled out of the building from out the window of our shop on the 2nd floor, in chains, kicking and screaming.)
He got expelled, and no one ever saw, nor heard, from him again. Good riddance!
-BUT... the insanity didn't stop there!
OH NO!
This asshole left some of his unfinished artwork in the classroom. Several things, because he NEVER finished ANYTHING!
So, the teacher grabs them and 1st tries to get ME to finish them.
To me, as an artist that is like the ULTIMATE FAUX PAS! You NEVER work on someone else's work, unless you've MUTUALLY both agreed it was OK, and consented to it. There were about 3 that he'd picked... 1 of which I recall was one black illustration board with a trombone that had been TRACED ON. Not authentically drawn... NO! TRACED! 'Cause Brian was a HACK! In fact, the majority, if not ALL, of the students WERE ALSO HACKS! They even used techniques with the Xerox machine...
So, this piece of CRAP illustration of the trombone, had used colored pencils & maybe some paints in funky colors on it, where some of the reflective areas were...
Having refused to work on it, he forced 2 of the older girls to finish it, especially the ethnic girl, whom was probably THE ONLY girl who wasn't insane, and could at times ACTUALLY be genuinely NICE including TO ME. And, she did the majority of the work, because the white girl also refused to do it after a while...
He (the teacher) kept nagging until that was done too!
Finally, the artwork gets finished and she'd redone the whole thing, and made it more HER. But, then, EVEN the TEACHER worked on it! So then, this teacher turns around and submits this crap UNDER BRIAN'S NAME to the Art Festival, and this HACK'S CRAP actually WON!
Da Faahk???
This jerk DID NOT EVEN GO TO OUR SCHOOL ANYMORE! AND, he DIDN'T EVEN do the whole thing! The other students did, and EVEN the TEACHER!!!! Life Lesson: This is the kind of bullshit that goes on "in the art world".
But, my piece was probably the ONLY real, authentic, actually ORIGINAL, detailed, time consumed piece, AND FREEHAND!
So, not only was this about the time when I was FED UP! I was like a pressure cooker, or a bottle of champagne that had been shook up WAY to much, IN THE HEAT! I'm about to bust open, explode everywhere! I was festering, and I was SO angry with this teacher! I began obsessing about how evil he was, and began to consider leaving.
1 thought led to another thought, and it began making sense... So, I'd asked the people in Environmental if they might ever want me to come back... they seemed VERY happy with the idea that I WOULD come back! I used to hang out with them all in their shop anyway on my lunches! And, still worked on projects with them! Then, I asked Mr. Moore, and he seemed to JUMP for JOY with the idea that I might come back, cause he had a MILLION uses for me, and he was in charge of Vo-TAG (Vocationally Talented And Gifted) which I was also in.
I'd pretty much HAD it with this art teacher! I already HAD enough reasons to leave the shop. But, being a Christian, it seemed odd to do... you're just supposed to STICK WITH WHAT YOU STARTED & FINISH IT (as the Protestants would preach). Don't be a quitter! For shame! You should TRY to work things out. You should forgive.
So, I tried that... I tried to talk to him. I even asked him: Why do you treat me this way? WHY are you doing this? This made him laugh and goad the other kids after me, and mocked me further.
Even tho' the other kids would laugh along with him, they would even also ask him: Yeah, why do you treat her like that? What did she ever do to you?
Then, he would laugh and say stuff like: She was born! (meaning I was a freak or a mutant, another thing he'd mock at me about... perhaps because I used to read X-MEN as a Freshman, or watched Star Trek)
Oh... hilarious...
But, THAT WAS IT!
I'd had it! I even hollered at him.
Yeah, you know that whole thing that Jesus said about "turn the other cheek"? Turns out that SAME guy protested and went after the money changers, and physically turned over their tables and threw them.... (ironic, because my way of dealing with bullies in the 7th grade was flipping over the desks and throwing them because the MALE teacher would do NOTHING to save me, nor help me, and ALLOWED boys to assault & batter me, EVERYDAY!) Usually, for me growing up as a Christian it was taught to me that I wasn't allowed to fight back, but you COULD stand up for those less fortunate than yourselves and be THEIR hero... yet, pretty much NO ONE wanted to be MY hero... including people whom professed to be Christians...
So, at lunch, I went to the office of the female principal, and I talked to her. I told her I had something very upsetting to tell her, and that I was being abused for the past several years, and I just wanted to leave that shop and go into Environmental, and that Mr. Moore had told me he was already OK with it.
Next thing I knew all the teachers were upset! They didn't want me to leave that teacher's class/shop. Many teachers wanted to talk to me, and dissuade me from leaving, and even that principal tried to dissuade me from switching.
I was SO fed, up, that I started screaming, and crying, and freaking out! I told the principal that he was a horrible man, and I couldn't take ANOTHER moment with him after everything he did to me! He not only allowed the other students to ROB me, he encouraged it!Bullying, sexual harassment, favoritism, etc.!
Then, my mother was called to the school.... and I was so upset... but, even my mother wanted to know more... she seemed to think that I needed to handle the situation gracefully, and believe me I was holding myself together just fine unless I was being back into a corner & berated... she told me "not to burn my bridges" and to shake his hand, etc... I told her I didn't even want to look at his face EVER again! He was a bad person. I gave him the chance to fess-up, or do right by me, but he didn't...
Can you believe that so many of those teachers tried to push me to stay and told me it was "to help me follow my dream"? No. My dream was NEVER to be abused. All the things that went on were outright crimes in the simplest, and even complex forms!
And so, I left...
So, THE most talented artist, not only in "Advertizing, Art & Design" BUT also the ENTIRE school, (possibly in the top of entire State of New Jersey) left and went back to Environmental! :D I wasn't worried at all. I still went to the U-ARTS Philly on the weekend, and I was confident that I could get accepted to AIPH. Plus, my art NEVER stopped!
After all, remember?: Child prodigy. *points to self*
Being in Environmental gave me MORE opportunities to do MUCH more with WHO I was, and what I did than that "Advertizing, Art & Design" ever could. I had so much privilege, and I could walk the halls without a pass, and never get in trouble, because I was so highly regarded, if I wanted.
I painted a HUGE Mural my senior year as well, AND I made MY OWN projects, CONSTANTLY, and DID THEM! I was self motivated, responsible, capable, and helpful.
All the younger students looked up to me... which of course caused me to become HATED among my peers in my own class (the class of 1998, whom wanted to bully them for entertainment). Plus, since I was so well regarded among the teaching faculty, and the administrators, and had high grades, they (my fellow peers in my grade) all began to resent me... They didn't think I even knew the scientific materials... but I DID! I'm a geek, so not only did I know the materials, I remembered more of it than they did... Thus, more hatred & resentment... They didn't see me as an asset, they saw me as competition, but I wasn't completely with them. I had my self to compete with, to challenge myself to become more than whom and what I was. I wasn't putting anyone down. I would help to build people up. I was altruistic.
As it turns out, tho', that art teacher, after I left according to the other students whom told me that he's calmed down entirely, he didn't mock or razz students anymore, and he'd seemed to have regretted how he'd behaved, and maybe have mentioned something along those lines slightly... they even said he'd totally changed after I'd left, and was quiet, and mopey...
Turns out, when u abuse people you're supposed to be in charge of, they don't respect you... and you get in trouble... It wasn't as tho' this man didn't know any better, because at times he would preach about how some people should be this way or that way... and even quoted some philosophy... except, ya broke your own principles, dude...
Even tho' I was respectful to him (because if you're a Christian, you MUST respect authority, and ALWAYS be respectful and kind to others) he actually didn't deserve any respect at all. True respect is earned. I respected him for what he'd taught me in the 1st year, but after that, there was NOTHING he could really teach me, and when I needed his help or assistance he turned on me... A true master teacher is ALWAYS respectful to their students, but he was not....
And, so... What's the moral of the story? * DON'T let people push you around. Stand up for your dignity. Because if you let them it's like saying you deserve it. And you DON'T DESERVE IT! * Sometimes, when you are a true genuine person, people that are either just normal, or fake, resent you... because it shows them what they are not.... actually, they AREN'T actually resenting YOU, but THEMSELVES and taking it out on you, because they don;t try to be real, genuine, or good. * People fear what the DO NOT UNDERSTAND. * If you truly have self respect, you will treat other with respect & dignity, even if they don't always deserve it, because it reflects better of yourself. * All form of attack is a psychological cry for help by way of attention.
Anime:
As for the last year (Senior Year) of high school, well... it came with MANY challenging things... some not so good, like being robbed, being beaten up twice, death threats, moving, a trip to Germany, summer collage & big scholarships, insane work and insane working hours, exhaustion, and more...
But, there were some GOOD lessons, which were NOT painful AT ALL!
Some art related ones...
Where to even start???
Having attended animation classes on scholarship, on the weekend, at The Philadelphia University of the Arts (U-ARTS) taught by Lowl Boston, it was normal for his adult full-time students to come in and sometimes help out with the classes, or even work on their work with us...
For whatever reason, many animation students would just drop out after having paid so much money for the classes... I NEVER understood this!
Do, animation was 1 of the BEST emotional feelings one could have when your art played back in motion on a pencil test machine! My MOST cherished memories of my ENTIRE LIFE!
But, anyways...
MOST, if not ALL, art schools HATED Japanese looking cartoons, or anime... the reasons why are SO obvious. They are often times CRAP, based on simple technique, not real artistic techniques, but cheating, are often bad stories, bad quality, the "animations" are often shot on 5s (yes that's animation geek talk for frame rate) and they're NOTHING but a "mange that slightly moves set to audio". Having seen anime from the 80s & 90s, the majority was just turds in a toilet because they were SO BAD! Mass produced junk... you know quantity VS. quality... well, I LOVED Disney, which was QUALITY, and I loathed anime which was junk! Much of it often still is...
However... since I'd already made up my own mind, having seen SO much junk anime, I'd judged & deemed it to be beneath me and NOT worth my time... yes, very snobbish, don't you think? (I mean. COME-ON! Have you EVER watched Sailor Moon? Good grief, it's SO BAD! Worst animation ever! The only thing it has going for it is the visual designs!)
But, this guy/student whom was about to graduate within a year at the University and was buddy buddy with Lowl (the animation teacher) liked anime. I remember discussing it with both of them, and we were all laughing about how bad anime was, but they still watched some.
Well, 1 day, Lowl decided that guy should show "Macross Plus" and they BOTH said I'd like it... but, whatever... I wasn't interested...
But, since it was on... I had to sit their and listen to it as I sat at my animation disk, doing my traditional pencil animations...
That guy said there were different versions of it. There was a movie version, and then there was a mini series version which was better... so, he had the episodes play 1 after the other...
As the 1st episode began, I was ALREADY starting to HATE it... but, it was an innovative animation piece that integrated computer & traditional animation to do things that NO OTHER animated film or series had EVER DONE.
But... again, just like several anime films, 1 of the main characters is an arrogant jerk... (Isamu)
By the time we got to the 2nd episode I was about to EAT MY WORDS! There was a musical concert scene of Sharon Apple that was SO eye-catching & lovely, and the artwork didn't look Japanese! It looked European! The music was SOOOOO good! It wasn't that annoying cutesy Japanese rock/pop music! It was all totally unique!
Not only that, but before I knew it I was getting into the story, even tho' I was in denile about it!
What REALLY got me was that the END has a melodramatic twist in it! A psychological twist! The person we'd all pegged to be an arrogant jerk, and thought was more of a bad guy, turned out wasn't all that bad... and the guy we'd thought was THE good guy actually was the one who did something bad to the girl, but because of his genetics, he'd blocked out the memories. So, he was blaming that guy, and trying to duke it out and kill him, he suddenly had a flask-back total recall, and realized HE was the villain! And, he thought he'd killed the guy! he felt totally wrong having dishonored himself, and realized that the guy didn't get blown up but turned off his engines and road the updraft. So, he fessed-up and they both realized that deep down inside, despite all the hate, that guy was actually protecting his feelings and took the blame for him, so when the ghost plane was hacked by the evil AI program, he sacrificed himself for his friend to redeem himself.
When I saw this film, I was SO moved. And, I'd learned a lesson too. Sometimes, some Japanese anime films might actually be good...Sometimes, it's possible to misjudge someone or something...but, you should fess-up to it, address it, make amends and move FORWARD.
By the time I'd gone to AIPH the way that all the other artists would bond with each other was by watching movies... usually it was anime...
I learned WHY Japanese animated products were so popular. It wasn't because of their artwork... no, because much of it stinks... It was ALL ABOUT THE STORIES!
Even if your art is ugly, but your story was GREAT, that often times mattered more than an expensive yet pretty video. Good stories MAKE YOU FEEL.
So, when I think of many of my concept for Lively, there's much inspiration from parts of Marcoss Plus, which I've watched OVER & OVER in several different versions, and have multiple soundtracks of! Turns out, there is TECHNO in the film!
