Monday, March 28, 2016

Dragon Project UNTITLED... still....

Dragon Project UNTITLED.... 

This bothers me quite a bit... I've had titles for this project, a number of times, only to change them... for a long time I had it titled "Guardian" or "Guardian Angel" because of something my mother said... or even "Dark Angel"... but, then, in October 2000 a TV show came out called that starting Jessica Alba! I was PISSED!

But, I don't want to call it ANYTHING like I'd called it already...

I've been writing out several possible titles, and have changed my mind several times...

I have a few things that I'm kinda leaning towards tho'... It reminds me of Taoist ideas/concepts....

So, I sat here at my desk today with my notebook open, and I started to feel somewhat like Jia Baoyu trying to figure out something with Chinese characters for a chéngyǔ, or something to do with poetry, or naming a doorway or a room, or a pavilion. (Chinese stuff) Or, perhaps even the author himself, Cao Xueqin....

Apparently, he wrote (as the legend goes) the manuscript for 紅樓夢 Hónglóu Mèng in abject poverty as a destitute person from a very educated high level wealthy background... I've never fully understood the entire complexity of his life, and I've read, heard, and watched, so many carrying versions of who he was, and why he wrote the novel, including different official versions by the People's Republic of China central government.

(Oh, but, wait... here's the part where now that it's 2016, and I mentioned something from another culture that's not my born culture, showing my interest and affection for other cultures, and literature, I have to go on and on about how I could never ever liken myself to them, because if and when i don;t and a person with a different ethnicity or skin color than mine notices it, and might actually know what those things meant, and actually understand the point, actually wants me to suck up, or bow down, or else they get to slander me with "cultural appropriation" labels, because even tho' being open minded and openly excepting of other cultures back in 20002 when I first read the stuff was seen as good, now even doing yoga and not being East Indian means your racist... I have NO IDEA how these things even make any sense... I dunno... if I were anti whatever race, and pro my own, even tho' I'm actually a mongrel, wouldn't my NOT reading other culture's literature make me racist or ethnocentric? Whatever... I used Baoyu as an EXAMPLE since I equate all great world literature as EQUALLY good in the context of THE ENTIRE WORLD and HISTORY... thus, I used the example... and I AM NOT SORRY. I'm a Cosmopolitan. But, of course, you could write your angry comments because you got your panties crumpled up in a bunch, drowning in adrenaline and amygdala overload if you wanted... or you could just 忍 and get back to the subject... OK, whatever... you hate me, you jumped to conclusions... does that help you? 忍 )

My spouse (Wang Li) and I have discussed similar things before many many times... in fact just getting my Chinese name was one of those Taoist things... Tao (actually called "Dao" in Chinese) means "The Way" or just "way".

It's like having n idea or a destination, or a goal, or something you want to get to... but, you can;t get there until YOU GO THE WAY, or FIND THE WAY, or TAKE THE WAY... sometimes its described as "a path" or a a "flow" or a "river" or a "channel" (again meaning river of stream).

But, it's very illusive, and enigmatic... because even Laozi (Lao Tzu) said "The Way that can be named is not The Way" or also put 'The Tao that can be named is not The Tao."

I'm certainly no Li Bai.... so I can't come up with something on the spot... which is odd, because for usually everything I've ever created, having a Title for it was simple, easy, and happened right away... either it just CAME TO ME, or with a slight bit of work, I CAME TO IT.

Yet, for those things, those circumstances, or even for those persons, that was THEIR WAY, that was THE WAY for THEM... but that is NOT MY WAY, ergo I CANNOT GO THEIR WAY, nor THOSE WAYS... because it is NOT THE WAY for THIS... See what I mean???

It's an enigma.

I want it to express a feeling but also an idea... but, also almost abstract, only NOT abstract... But, it can't be TOO LONG, and it CAN'T be TOO SHORT...

And, here's the brain-picker of it all: I'm not even a Taoist! But, even if I were Taoist, calling myself a Taoist would be like saying I wasn't really a Taoist... I also don't want to be a Taoist... and yet, it's still of great interest to me. HOW WEIRD IS THAT?
It's practically ZEN! Yeesh! It's like a Chan/Zen Koan! WTF???

You know what's strange about it, if/when I think about it?

The project its self is very female or feminine... and yet the pondering and contemplation of it all, the perplexing aspects of me, almost seem male or masculine... WTF??? But, it's still me.

So, I sit there, with my notebook, and the crappy pen, running out of ink the I got as a freebie at South Field at some Open House thingy a few years ago... and, it all just sort of seems to feel like it's all just swirling around me, somewhere, invisible, and I'm trying to make it work, like an engineer, or an inventor in a laboratory... but of dreams, and poems, and fantasy... Ain't dat some shit? 

I have a few things in mind... but, I'm not 100% sold on any of them yet... sometimes I just need to mull it over for a while... but, it bothers me so much that I don't have a title yet... 

At the same time.... I'm not sure what to do with it all seems to be moving, and shifting... 

I also DON'T CARE about MAKING MONEY from it! I just want to gag at the idea of doing the thing for MONEY and profit as my motive! 
Unless, someone is trying to steal it, and/or rip me off, then I'm raining down, thunder, lighting, fire, wrath, and HELL! 

The idea of NOT doing anything for money, profit, fame, or self grandiosity is somehow a crazy idea in the USA, or the world we live in. Well, the internet was NOT started to make money at all! Everything I did on the internet as a kid had NOTHING to do with any of those things! It was JUST BECAUSE WE LOVED AND ENJOYED whatever we were interested in, and we SHARED IT with the WORLD WIDE WEB.  

Sure, everyone either need to make money, or wants to make more.  But, I'm just SO TIRED! I don't CARE anymore! It's just SO EMPTY! 

I just want to keep me, and keep who I am.  Even as changes happen, and I'm changing, I'm still me... and I still want to keep that. I don;t want to be SOMEONE ELSE that isn't me. 

And, I want the title to my project to MEAN SOMETHING.  

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