I started classes at UMASS, but it was HELL. I had a number of medical issues which hampered everything, until I had to drop out of nearly everything. But, I kept the video class and my Work Study job.
Then, to make matters more absurd, my daughter had a life threatening condition and had to get a double blood transfusion, so we spent the entire weekend and most of Monday at The Tufts Floating Hospital in Boston.
I almost took her to the emergency room on Friday night, and she was slowly bleeding out to oblivion.... So, in order to cope with the entire nerve wracking situation despite the nerve wracking month of anxiety, insomnia, and severe depression I grabbed my sketchbook.
And this Mori sketch decided to sketch its self out onto my paper... it changed a number of times before it became this. I tried to keep it simple... I actually lost a lot of interest in it about halfway through, but Instagram seemed to like it somewhat.
But, Id already been on a SciFi futuristic kick the past few weeks, and as I was almost halfway doen with this sketch, I was already yearning for futuristic SciFi n Cyber Punk stuff, which was strange because I had been REALLY feeling this when I'd started it.
I could easily see this as an "Eyewitness" short from my other series revolving around mostly Lively. I could probably go several different directions with this, but especially if I had the right song or music.
However, I'm not so sure it;s really "fresh" or new, and probably is too similar to other things... I'm guessing... afew things come to mind...
if I were to get "Eyewitness" off the ground the way I want it to be, and perhaps is a fan-base liked this concept enough, I might actually create this as something...
The first time........... (echoes) -though these eyes......... (echoes) I ever witnessed this place........ (echoes) The first time........... (echoes) -through these eyes........ (echoes) I ever saw this face............ (echoes) The first time........... (echoes) -through these eyes.......... (echoes) Ever seeing this place.......... (echoes) The first time........... (echoes) -through these eyes.......... (echoes) Ever seeing your face........... (echoes) Your face........ (echoes) The first time........ (echoes) The first time......... (echoes) My face........... (echoes) ...........The first time......... (echoes)
You can also find this poem/lyrics published to my DeviantART gallery.
Well, these lyrics here would probably not make much sense without
the visuals. the emphasis is on the "FACE". "Face" its self has a lot of
meaning.... but, also this is another song for Djehkäujaa, my dragon
character but this is when she unfortunately becomes a humanoid form,
much to her horror, and her own stupidity & comeuppance that she
will regret for the rest of her life.
This song is meant to be
Djehkäujaa's voice, but she will not be actually lip-sync singing this
one. It will be like a voice-over, but as a song.
The lyrics are just a simple pattern with variation and reverb, to be to-the-point simple yet effective.
It is almost "garage house" sounding with a lot of echo & reverberations.
It
will mostly rely on conveying the mood by some echoing piano and
layered repercussions, as well as some sound effects, bass, perhaps
wobble bass. I'm not sure if I will use a 2-step beat or not. Altho' I
want this to be a very heavily European sounding style, I also want some
eastern vibes/elements to it also...
Think of it this way:
imagine she is in a desolate wide open prairie or savannah landscape, I
was thinking more like the planes in Mongolia... but, my story will be
an entirely other world. And, Djehkäujaa is literally grounded. No more
flying. Her wings fall off, and burn away like acid and steaming clouds
of fumes.
And, she looks at her own face, not the face knew herself to be...
A different face. Shock, despair, trauma...
So, on a morbid note, I have no idea why, but on the past few years I've had this gleefully morbid thing I do: drawing smashed n broken hearts in February... I guess it's because Saint Valentine's day is very commercialized, and I;d rather do stuff for my kid, that even tho' I like Romance, and Romantic things or ideas, I sort of hate Valentine's Day.
So, I have a cheeky, bratty, smart-alec part of me wants to come out..
Anyways.... It's Chinese New year, and we're more stoked about that rather than Valentine's, but my mom bought everyone some T-Shirts in Fort Worth... she's a sweety lately.
My taste in men has changed since I was a teenager. When I was growing up, I was like most Caucasian American girls in that I was pretty much into the "All American" guy look, or personality... I was a bit confused at times, like in middle school I'd had some attractions to some ethnic guys that I was confused about, but hormones are confusing in your early adolescent years anyway.
I recall being interested originally in what felt familiar to me, meaning Caucasian guys.. you know, the soccer player, the football player, the basket ball player, but then suddenly there would be this really funny comedian guy, or the very smart guy... decisions, decisions... What do I want? What do I like? I think for most girls, they model what they want after some aspect of their fathers, whether they realize it or not... but, culture is also a factor...
I was very interested in my heritage, and when I'd seen the film "Dances With Wolves" about the Lakota Nation, it exposed me to concepts similar to my own heritage as a Native American descendant. Altho', I am an Apache Nation descendent of The Mescalero (or as my Grandfather & his sisters called it "Maskalera"). I recall watching the film over & over with my mother, whom was a VERY big fan of Kevin Costner, she would openly comment about how handsome the long haired, mostly naked, Indian Men actors were. What a concept! I'd never thought about it much until she said something, but then I thought, maybe she's right.
My mother was crazy about my father, but, he was crazy about gardening and hobbies. My mother was a MILF, and no matter who tried to get her attention or flirt with her, she would still always want to be with my father. But, I DID notice that when dark Italian men would flirt with my mother, such as local Pizzeria business owners in tight jeans, with big muscles, and somewhat long hair would flirt with her, she would actually flirt back, especially Sicilians.
For me, I noticed that if what you felt was more attractive to the eyes, if looks mattered, I noticed that guys with dark hair felt more attractive to me. The darker the hair, the more attracted I felt. It's a VERY real feeling, a very REAL attraction, almost magnetic, and the emotion was often times VERY enhanced. Not only that, but when you are interacting with a man in a consensual, intimate manner, just the very sight of his dark hair (especially black) very MUCH enhanced the emotional high (or ecstasy) of the experience and the gratification. Even more so if his skin had some color to it, like a tan, or whatever. Is it something genetic? I don't know.
But, the saying "Tall dark, and handsome" feels WAY better than pasty & pale...
It seems very superficial... don't you think? Looks and all that... but, I suppose our genes are programmed to function a certain way at different periods in our lives. It's this way among animals as well that seek out sexual mates based on looks, or traits, or whatever...
By the time I was in High School, many of the girls I knew (in southern NJ from all over the county since I went to BCIT) were attracted to Puertorican guys. They could have any number of ethnic looks, to very pale skinned, to very dark skinned, or even mixed with African heritage. Usually, most of those guys had dark black curly hair. I was UTTERLY mad over this thick curly, shiny, gorgeous hair. Their eyes, their smiles, their casual ways... and, so were most girls... but, for whatever reason, they were uninterested in me.
I was VERY into a Boy Band "No Mercy" which had 3 super hot young guys. They mostly did cover songs of other dance music tracks, with Spanish Guitar, and dance beats. They are most known for "Where Do You Go?" cover song originally by "La Bouche".
I was also, BIG TIME, into reading Marvel Comic's "X-MEN". Anything, and EVERYTHING!
My favorite character of ALL the X-MEN was a character Kurt Wagner alias "Nightcrawler".
He was this German National that looked like a DEMON, used to be a in circus act as a freak acrobat, could telleport, was bilingual, and despite his Gargoyle/Demon look and fuzzy indigo skin, he was a Christian and even was a Monastery monk at 1 point. The X-MEN themselves were very interesting characters on their own, but this one was my absolute favorite. He had the Dark curly hair, pointed ears, glowing eyes, a long prehensile tail, he could walk on walls like Spider Man. He was a TOTAL gentleman, Happy-go-lucky, friendly, the Welcoming person, the witty joke-maker. He cheered everyone up. He was well read, and he even was a swashbuckler. (So much like the stuff I like! I even took fencing.)
I even had a subscription to "Excalibur" (The British X-MEN team) which Kurt eventually became the leader of.
My favorite depictions of this character were by Alan Davis, whom is my ALL TIME favorite Comic Book "Penciler" Artist EVER! I learned SO MUCH by studying his style. He's SO GOOD!
(The photo I have here of Nightcrawler is ALSO by Alan Davis! ^_^ See how good his work is?)
So, as I was formulating what kinds of Romantic interests I might have
for Lively, it also would depend upon my own personal tastes, which I
could be sure about, but then find something else later on to make me
rethink what I actually liked, or actually wanted...
When I was younger, religion was a big influence on me. But, I would also gravitate to guys which were more intellectual, had some diversity to them, and especially was attracted more & more to foreigners.
Mostly, is started as European men. I'd had just so many very frustrating, disappointing, and hurtful experiences with American White men, that I was very fed-up with them. I was preferring a more Romantic & thoughtful European kind of guy. But, My relationship with my ex in Germany was a long distance one, and after a while, as I went to college, I'd felt his version of religion wasn't working out for me. By 2000/2001, I no longer had an interest in any organized religion, and had been switching to a more "New Age" faith, even tho' I still liked Jesus, or things he'd allegedly taught about Altruism, or Agape. And, like Jesus whom was friends with Marcus The Roman Pagan, I also was friends with numerous Pagans. Remember, Christianity is SUPPOSED to be about Love & Tolerance...
But, in my ex's Lutheran Protestant cult, which was founded dating way back to Martin Luther himself, they STILL made women cover their heads like nuns or Muslims, and dress a certain way like skirts or dresses only, in "assembly". They had rules about what you could, or couldn't watch, and banned TVs, techno, secular films, etc. My ex was 85% deaf, and had hearing aids. Among the deaf community in Germany EVERYONE listens to TECHNO because it's THE ONLY THING THEY CAN ACTUALLY HEAR.
Talk about utter Intolerance! What's with all the rules?
yet, everyone else in Germany was partying with "Free Love", and immodesty, nudism, body pride health, liberal sexuality, etc... "Love Parade", and it was very open, friendly, and loving...
But, there's a whole other chunk of the story I didn't mention yet.
Sex...
Christian religions have too many idiosyncrasies about sex, interpretations, and re-interpretations. Old & New Testament clash with 1 another...
As a teenaged girl, I was often confused about sex. There was stuff in the religion, but then, people would say 1 thing, and do another anyway... or say it in church, and not follow it in real life.... then, there was school, which was very liberal or moderate, and the ideas about sexuality weren't demonized at all... then, there was pop culture which was massively sexualized. There was AIDS, there was a mass campaign in the media to WEAR CONDOMS. There were my peers becoming sexually active at ages 12/13, and talking about how great it was.
I was very scared about sex. I mean, at age 12 & 13, I just wanted to still play with my Barbies, go roller skating, watch Batman cartoons, and have ice cream sundaes. I didn't want to have a boy touch me, or take off my clothes...
When I was in high school, I was 1 of the only virgin girls I knew for a long time. I didn't even start until I was 16, and I was massively disappointed. There I was, day in & day out hearing all of my peers discussing all this great stuff about sex, and yet my own experience was so horrible.
And, my boyfriend in my sophomore year didn't want me. He wanted 1 of my best friends. He also had no sexual interest in me. This happened 3 times in a row. Meanwhile sooooooooo many guys that were interested in me I'd felt no interest in them. I just didn't have any feelings at all...
So, I was even more frightened of sex.... I tried again once with another friend, and another... and, I didn't understand what the problem was. I remember crying in September 1997 after trying with a guy that I had worked briefly with me... There was nothing pleasurable about the experience. And, I couldn't have an orgasm...
I thought there was something wrong with me...
I couldn't understand it, because my body, my hormones, my urges, were all still there... but, intercourse its self was just horrible. I thought my body didn't work, or something was wrong with me.
So, when it came to sexual interaction, I mainly just stayed away from intercourse, and was more interested in petting, hand/finger play, touching, etc. I found that if I was open & upfront about this to a guy that mutually wanted to hook-up with me, that he was totally fine with that, and the experience could be very enjoyable, physically and pleasurably...
During that whole sort of self exploration of getting to know just what exactly I wanted, there was a pattern that came and went whether I'd noticed it or not...
Since I was a kid, I liked to watch action movies about Martial Arts, Kung Fu, and so on... My dad did, my brothers did. We used to watch movies by Belgian action star Jean-Claude Van Damme. We also watched any and every B movie out at the time with Martial Arts. Then, 1 day, my father's friend came to visit him while we were watching Van Damme and he laughed at us. We'd though Van Damme was such a great hero on screen, but this guy just laughed & laughed and talked about how much he stunk.
What???
He told us: No! No! No! If you want to see a real action star, and REAL Martial Artist Master you should go to the video rental store and find movies by Bruce Lee.
Who? What? Huh???
Then, over, and over: Bruce Lee! Bruce Lee this, and Bruce Lee that...
It didn't mean anything to me... I'd seen so many martil arts movies, I thought they were all good. But, what did I know?
Then, one day, my brother found out there was a video rental place that had movies staring Bruce Lee.
So, he got Mom to rent some, and took them home for us to watch.....
OH MY GOD!!!!!
I couldn't believe my eyes!
After that it was Van WHO???
How could anyone stand to watch Van Damme after Bruce Lee?
But, I was really young when that happened. I didn't look at men as sexual objects back then...
Then, when I was in middle school, there was a movie about Bruce Lee called "Dragon; The Bruce Lee Story" staring Jason Scott Lee. It was a movie I'd been looking forward to watching very much. We got it on pay per view, and I watched it over and over.
The 2nd week after I'd gotten it, I was on the bus and the girls were talking about when men (movie stars or pop stars) were the hottest. And, they went through the list... all White men, like 90210 stuff... And, a popular girl, named Amanda blurted out Jason Scott Lee which shocked everyone. Then she went on & on about his body in THAT movie, and how naked he was, and then oddly enough the other girls agreed. It sticks out in my mind so strongly... What a concept!
I remember thinking to myself that I agreed. It was TOTALLY true. The man was incredibly hot! So, when I went home and watched the film again, I was looking at it from a different perspective. The film a had a strong inter racial theme to it anyway... but, the idea that I'd ALSO found this man to be an attractive looking man was something very new to me, and I wasn't the only girl to agree with this idea either.
From the time I was about 15 or 16 there were some Asian guys that had an interest in me. Why me, I don't know... but, at that time, I mostly ignored it, or was oblivious to it... I'd generally had no interest in Asian guys at the time... other than very attractive, muscular, glamorous, nearly naked Asian men on the TV screen. Like Russel Wong in Vanishing Son.
I'd dated a Korean guy when I was 17, but he was sort of crazy in the head, and it didn't go well. And, I didn't know if I wanted to date Asian guys, or not.
But, by the time I began working at a movie theater in the summer on 1997 just before I'd turned 18, I took a look around and took notice of my VERY attractive Asian male coworkers. They didn't behave like the stereotypes either. Very funny, easy-going, sometimes cocky, but even talked about deep thinking, current events, music, culture and more.... You're supposed to "be professional" on the job, but it was so good to work with such fun & friendly people anyway. Every day was great because you can be among such sexy guys, and never feel nervous to talk to them... That job was full of a diverse group of persons. And, I loved them all...
I was on the fence. You're not supposed to do anything with your coworkers, really, even tho' there were 2 couples that worked there, and several persons dated each other. I was against it. I'd also had a boyfriend in Germany. My whole reason to work there was to raise the money to go to Germany....
But, temptations still happen...
I couldn't decide what I wanted, if I wanted it or not, or if I should just stick to my principle...
But, when a man wants something, he will come at it in full force, over & over, persistently... And, man, did he ever!
He was crazy, you know... mental... not right in the head at times... then, add on hormones... volatile, unpredictable...
I could resist, resist, resist... and then, suddenly, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN???
Stupid! Brash! Jerk!
And, then, somehow, I'm in his arms again!
Or...
In the dark!
Vulnerable...
All alone!
I hate him! I hate him! I hate him!
But, then... my dreams betray me...
My thoughts betray me....
And, when he clutches me, my own body betrays me...
Everyone loved him too. At work he had everyone believe he was an easy-go-lucky person, an Alpha Male, and the most popular person there. Everyone wanted to BE HIM, be LIKE him, and be around him... and, I couldn't help it either...
I was utterly INSANE about him, but utterly in denial over it...
And, yet, when he was alone with me, he was someone else in at least 2 variations of extremes... the very intense predator, to the very meek & timid wounded being... and, he could switch from one to the other at any moment... There was just something about his eyes, the way he looked at me... not anyone else... and his smile.
But, his approach to me was all wrong...
I wasn't the only one either...
-and, I feel utterly used, deceived, and womanized.
Then, one day he just up & left...
He'd gone out of his way to make everyone think he's cared about them, missed, them, etc... only years later to tell me what he really actually thought of them all, point blank....
Before he left, he even cried to me, and told me he loved me...
How the heck did I ever fall for that?
How did I actually ever think this person was my friend? Or that he'd cared about me, or anyone else?
I wasn't a friend to him, in his mind... not someone he'd actually loved, or cared about... I wasn't even a human being to him, let alone even a person....
I was just a thing to him...
His idea of being respectful to me is not talking about it... covering it up, etc... But, I think a real motive for not telling about it is because it implicates him, and guilt...
Ironically, this guy used to beg me to have sex with him, and pressure, and so on... but, whenever I'd either consent to it, or actually want to, he would change his mind. Then, he said he just wanted to hold me, so I lay they with him in my arms while he was shaking. The whole thing was ridiculous.
Why he could NEVER keep plans with me, but make plans and hang out with others, ALWAYS stood me up, and NEVER kept a promise to me, yet be good to everyone else is beyond me. But, whenever he on the spot wanted attention from me, he'd pressure me until I gave in, filled up my in-box with letters either pestering me, or just being foolish. And the ONLY 2 times he's actually showed up on a plan with me, was BECAUSE I NAGGED HIM.
Yet, with him was many, many firsts for me... none of which were an orgasm...
The first time I was alone with him, after he'd annoyed me to death, I finally asked him to. But, he was utterly afraid, and scared out of his mind once I was finally alone with him. So, I didn't know what to do other than massage his shoulders, which was what he'd said he wanted, and agreed to. But, after a long time alone with him like that, he went through the very first time I would notice him "switching" and he became this other man. He turned around and looked at me, in my eyes, then he said "Come here." But, I did nothing. Then, he abruptly grabbed me, and kissed me. I was really scared. And, after he kissed me, he began tearing my clothes off. This sort of became his signature, in how he could remove clothing very quickly in just a few really violent tugs, pushing & pulling me very roughly. And, then, he would ask me several questions, like whether I liked it, or him, and so on, constantly asserting a power dynamic, which was utterly terrifying. And, yet, somehow, he could work me up into not only liking him, but enjoying him.
At one point, he asked me "Did you come?" which I didn't understand. I had only ever heard this word used for men before. I was either too young, or too inexperienced. But, he kept asking me. I didn't know what to say because he seemed to value whatever it meant, so I said "yes". But, I can tell you the truth was actually "no" because I am old enough NOW to understand what it means.
When I was in college, age 19, I started to date a Vietnamese playboy bodybuilder in Graphic Arts at my school. (He was also a martial artist, flower gardener, and a sushi chef) And, that was my very first orgasm. Several actually. "The Big O."
I would go with him each night for about 2 months, and go at it for hours, several times in a row until about 4-5AM, go to sleep then wake up a few hours later, shower, and go to classes, then go meet him again for dinner and do it all over again. Where I got all the energy to do that is beyond me...But, it's totally true. TOTALLY.
Then, I dated more frequently on a casual manner. I dated several types of ethnic or foreign men. This 1 guy was hell-bent on marrying me, which I gave-in to marry eventually which was the WORST decision EVER. He turned into someone else once I married him, and he left n went to Oklahoma, and used me to get his parents to come here from China. He was mentally ill, so i can pardon him for having a medical issue... but, he abused me terribly, and also would try to use religion there as well, but went around fucking whomever he wanted in less than a full week. But, what can I say? A person of sound mind & body, let alone self respect, wouldn't behave that way, right?
When I married that guy, it was like every man in the world was trying to get me to hook-up with them. I even had a wedding ring, and told them; "I'm married.' to which they're reply: 'He doesn't have to know." which would piss me off! The wedding ring used to burn my skin also...
But, once I divorced him, it was as tho' since this guy didn't want me, then no-one else did for about 3 months. Even my female friends barely spoke to me.....
But, then, I went into online dating, which back then, people thought was "scarey" or unsafe, and NOW EVERYONE DOES IT!!!!! Go fig'! I used mostly "Yahoo! Dating" personals, or "Asian Friend Finder". I made sure never to date a religious man EVER AGAIN, because it was always a lie, or he had some kind of issue and wanted to USE his scripture to control me, but never abide by it for himself...
So, I went wild dating. I would have up to 2 different dates per day depending on whether I had classes, or it was a weekend. I went to casinos, night clubs, dance Clubs, and men would drive, fly, or take a train to see me from all up & down the east Coast, or even people visiting from over seas to the local universities. I liked Asian men best, especially Chinese, and especially if they were educated and born over seas that were either attending university or had an established career. back then, not many women were interested in Asian men, so I had the pick of the litter. I even made videos on YouTube about it in my 20s. Now, if I go back to Philly it's very common to see interracial dating of Asian men with non-Asian women.
By the time I was booking so many dates to my heart's content I couldn't give a shit whether this or that guy NOW wanted me.... it was too late, and I blew them all off. Good-bye!
If a man REALLY wants you he'll give it a really good persistent try. If not, then don't bother with him.
So, if you're wondering what I like? Well, I definitely LIKE MEN.
I like men that can behave themselves, have self control, have AT LEAST my level of IQ, OR HIGHER, otherwise I find I just can't respect him if all he cares about is JUST Football or sports. I like men that have an actual understanding of ethics & philosophy, and Not some made-up blanket version of a concept that somehow 'virtue' only means what does or doesn't happen between a woman's legs, and WHO does it to her. Because I ACTUALLY know what a "virtue" is, as well as it's antithesis being a "vice".
At the same time, I ALSO don't like men that are rigid, strict, inflexible, arrogant, or stuck on themselves. I like genuine, tried & true persons, but can keep secrets. I like a balance of playfulness, witty, sense of humor, but NOT obnoxious, a sense of humbleness, but not a coward. I especially like activists, and civil disobedients, men that are clever, kind, and have the right balance of gentleness & strength especially inside of their minds. I don't like men that are aloof, doofy, smokers, reckless, drug dealers, addicts, thieves, or frauds. I like intellectuals, deep thinkers, creative & artistic, as well as musical including DJs, or tech savvy folks, including programmers so long as they're not douchey pricks.
So, anyways... I haven't entirely decided on a perfect guy for Lively yet... I don't want her with some jerk that uses her, nor one that neglects her.
And, "Manga" is just the word for "comic book" or even a "graphic novel"...
But, "Anime" evokes a certain image in your mind. It's Japanese, but all over Asia, people do styles of cartoon art that has a certain look or feel to it. But, there's no 1 specific look necessarily.
I think most people, if you asked them, they would say "Japanimation!" Ha!
As I said, I used to HATE it in the 90s. I liked it in the 80s tho... I loved dorky shows like: Voltron, Tranzon Z, Unico... but, then when I learned about Disney, I got real snobby... it's true... Sorry...
I also, REALLY HATE English dubs! I prefer to watch ALL films in their original languages, with subtitles.
Another thing to point out about Japanese versions of cartoon & comics is that they often just break rules. You can see some parts in high quality, fully done art, super detailed, very hard work. Then, turn the page of a manga and find lots of unfinished, or roughly drawn slacker drawings... sometimes, it's even done on purpose, not necessarily because they're lazy. The animated work can go through the same things.
It reminds me of much of the movie content from Hong Kong as well. All just smashed together, high quality this, then crappy sketch skits for 10 min in the comedies... or odd anticlimactic skits in British comedy, like Monty Python or Benny Hill.
But, like I said, that all changed when I watched "Macross Plus".
The characters didn't ALL have the same face, or bodytype, and even changed their clothes. The character designs were beautiful, and the stories were very good. There was quality, innovation, morals, and more.
Other notable anime favorites of mine are:
"Macross Frontier", the series & the movies.
Neon Genesis Evangelion
(all of them! The series, the mangas, the films. Brilliant stuff!)
"Mononoke Hime" (Monster Princess, or Princess Mononoke)
Which is a very bloody yet Disney-like anime film, of very high quality shot on a 2s frame-rate (yes I'm speaking Animator). Which makes me VERY happy.
And most especially a film often called
"Spirited Away" (Also shot on 2s)
These animes have a wide variety of parts that cause the viewer to undergo the emotions of the characters, which range all over the place, from the very sentimental, to very disgusting, misfortune & frustration, and observe the characters try to maintain their inner goodness, whiles others are brats, or megalomaniacs.
They also deal with themes such as battered women, abuse, neglect, altruism, innocence, persons with mental illness or are emotionally damaged or traumatized. Also, these particular favorites of mine have very good endings.
When it comes to most Asian films, movies, and TV shows, I find they often lack the ability to have a good ending, most notably with the way they do endings for tragedies, unlike Hollywood which has it down to an art & science, and has several variations spanning several decades.
As for experimenting with styles of anime, myself, I sometimes did it with Lively, but other times I used a Humanoid version of my "Black UniGryphon" (Vallour Nikee) Fursona as a Goddess (a whole other story), because that character is also a shape-shifter.
During the last 2-3 years of the 1990s, dragons seemed to pop in & out of popularity.
And, by 1997-2001, there was even a popular fashion trend with Chinese dragons on EVERYTHING! Not just men's clothing, but girls as well! I remember in 1999 & 2000 walking around at The Gallery Mall in Center City Philadelphia and EVERYTHING in all the girls' fashion shops had Chinese dragons on them, and wanting ALL of them!
I think I STILL have a pair of pants somewhere in my closet from '97/98.
But, at the end of high school, I found I was suddenly CRAZY about anything, and EVERYTHING with dragons!
The majority of the sketches & doodles I did of dragons in high school I don't have... it's mainly because I doodled them on my math papers, or scraps of paper...
I was having difficulty sketching the dragons, because I wanted to draw the wings, but I wanted them to look better. (In case you didn't know, I'm kinda famous for my wings in my artwork)
Sometimes around 1997/1998 I was already dreaming up stories or ideas about dragons, but I didn't quite know what to do with them yet... as I would commute to Philly from NJ to my animation classes on Saturday mornings, I would play my Disckman (CD Player) and listen to techno music, and stair our the window of the PATCO train, and my day-dreams would play out... I didn't quite know what to do with it tho', yet, and didn't have a whole coherent plan or story yet... just more of a feeling... some images in my mind...
Then, in 1998, Blümchen came out with a new single which was a remake of Rozalla's "Everbody's Free" called "Ich bin weider hier". (I am again here)
This was one of those Eurodance popular themes of proto steam-punk themes very popular in the 1990s. It had already been done by other Eurodance/Rave Techno bands like in Dune's video for the song "Million Miles From Home", or that Egyptian+Techno Fusion of the band "Pharao".
Not only did the Blümchen video have the whole steam-punk vibe, it had a very heavy influence from "Titanic" which I'd worked as a concessionist & usher at AMC during, which was CRAZY that year and went on & on forever... but, the video had a wyvern in it (a dragon). The video had loads of interesting visuals, special effects, very good quality cameras. And, it totally fueled my imagination...
So, I began inventing my own story, and developing characters etc...
At first it was Lively... and, I was developing the dragon character further... But, it wasn't narrowed down yet...
During spring break in 1998 of my senior year in high school, Wolfgang (from Germany) sent me a taped copy of EVERY songs from EVERY album by Scooter (at the time), and it JUST arrived before I left to go on vacation with my two school mates, and 1 of there girls mother.
(The whole thing was like a string of bad luck. Before I left, the day before I went to the bank and withdrew $300 cash to have fun in FL. I left the money in my satchel I a locker at AMC. AND, some new boys that JUST started that morning robbed my money, and left the building.That was also sort of the start of the beginning of the end for AMC for me. It was a great place to work, but management changed, and I got put through Hell once I graduated higschool and went to summer school at the U-ARTS)
Before we drove down, my friend decided she & I ought to ditch her mother, and the blond girl and "go in the basement to talk with her grandmother". What that actually meant was I'm taking you to go smoke a joint with my grandmother and the blond is no fun, and she's getting on my nerves.
So, there were were smoking 2 joints with her grandmother, opening up a vent by hand, and blowing the smoke into a wadded up towel so as not stink like expensive perfumed cannabis kind buds. After that, she drove most of the way herself higher than I was because she smoke almost double what I smoked, and I smoked A LOT! I also have asthma... But, that was the most unqiue high of my entire life! Better than ANYTHING I'd EVER smoked with my drug dealing little bro'.
So, I was in the back seat, and the blond girl (sitting to my right) kept turning to me telling me how she was irked with the chick that I got high with every hour or so. I think she KNEW that chick was high, but obviously didn't know that I was... Man, I was HIGH AS A KITE!
The drive is about 12 hours from Southern New Jersey, and these folks dilly-dally and take forever to up and leave... I did NOT know that... until I went on that trip...
So, by the time it got dark, I popped in 1 of the tapes of all the songs by "Scooter" that I'd LITERALLY only just gotten about a day or 2 BEFORE we left, and I was saving them SPECIFICALLY to listen to on the drive down to Florida! Now, when you're high, there's a possibility that some songs can effect how you feel, your mood, or even (if you're lucky) give you euphoria... it doesn't always happen tho'... but there were 2 specific tracks that whenever I heard them they caused me to have these AMAZING emotional sensations, that seemd to make my VERY SOUL vibrate with utter pleasure, bliss, and ecstasy! 1 track was on 1 side of the cassette, and 1 track was on the other. Both sides had a number of really great techno songs, that I loved VERY much, but these 2 songs made me have these amazing feelings! Incredible!
So, when I flipped the tape over again, to start to play the songs all over again, 1 of the songs played again, and I found myself experiencing those feelings yet again! Just utter waves of joy, ecstasy, sensation! Same thing happened YET again when I flipped it back, played the other side, and heard the other songs! It was SO amazing to me!
So, finally after finishing that side, I didn't really feel high anymore, but I wondered whether, or not, if I tried to play those songs, would it still happen??? So, I Fast-forwarded the tape, found the song, and BINGO! It happened AGAIN! In fact it happened EVERY TIME! Both songs! Fortunately they almost lined up on both sides of the tape!
This went on ALL night, and I was up even until dawn...
But, unfortunately, the following day... those feelings never came back... and no other weed could ever give that amazing experience again... However, the very listening of the tape, and all the songs, was to me a very spiritual-like experience! (Yeah... I know... it was drugs... but, it felt more than that to me...)
Listening to those songs, filled my mind with inspiration, and many of the stories involving the dragons, and Lively, began to start to form, further and further...
(There was also a 3rd song, which also gave me some feelings and
sensations as well, but the other 2 were the most moving. However, this
song was on the tape AFTER 1 of the tracks, which is WHY I kept thinking
it was 2 songs! )
As for that whole spring break thing, it was going well until the end. The chick that drove us down kept drinking too much hard liquor and did way too much drugs... I have my limits, ya know? She kept saying she was gonna do this, this or that, but would just lay around and not do it, and the blond, whom was supposed to be her best friend did nothing but complain to me constantly into my ear about how much she hated everything that girl did. I was really confused, because the girl's brother, mother, and relatives in FL were all so very nice to us when we were down there, but the blond was never happy with any of it. Towards the end, my asthma was getting really bad, and my friend began smoking in the car... she also seemed to do things on purpose to stress herself out needlessly... I didn't understand why she was doing that, and she was fighting with her mother, plus she didn't have any sleep for 2 days. I have NO idea why, and even her mother offered to drive. So, she parked the car, and we were all supposed to sleep for a few hours in Virginia. Then, randomly she started smoking in the car with the windows barely even open. next thing I knew I was having an asthma attack, really bad. The blond allegedly tried to come over to help me. I remember her saying stuff, and being concerned about me, but they told people I beat or attacked the blond, or in some versions I pushed the bond, or slapped the blond, or that I slapped the blond... None of that happened... What DID happen, however, was the girl that was smoking had some kind of raging fit. She started screaming, opened her car door wide open, flew my door open, then reached in like a person with roid rage, grabbed me and dragged me out of my seat, began beating me up really bad too! She dragged me across the pavement which broke my sandals (both of them) and practically mopped the pavement with me, as my legs were scraped and bleeding. She also dragged me by my hair, picked me up to hold my up to beat me, threw me down to beat me, kicked me in my kidneys, my stomach, punched me in the face, and tore up my clothes that I was wearing. She also screamed babbling nonsense words, and every once in a while she would say "bitch". I was so scared for my life that the only thing I could do to defend myself was to scratch at her, plus at the time I was still partly a Christian & a Pacifist at the time (even tho' I was slightly dabbling in Wicca, the Occult, Gnosticism, and New Age + Philosophy) , and you're NOT supposed to fight back, EVER. Christianity is weird... I ran away into a gas station, and asked people to help me, and they called the cops. the cops showed up, but they didn't believe me. Since I scratched her to get her off me, she had more blood on her than I did. and, bruises take hours to show... Then, after a while they suddenly wanted to take me home, and asked me to go with them... but, I had a terrible vision of myself laying dead in a ditch, so I was scared for my life to go with them... And, I stayed in the Police Station and waited for my mother & her boyfriend to drive down to Virginia to come pick me up. I was late getting back to school by 2 days, because I had to go to a doctor, get X-rayed, and was prescribed with anti-inflammatory drugs. My urine was pink or orange because she's kicked my kidneys so hard... Then, before I even went back to school, I had to call the principle and have all of my classes re-arranged so I couldn't be in the same classes with her anymore. I was SO scared for my life! By the time I got back to school there were millions of other stories, and versions that she kept telling and re-inventing...and, no matter who asked her to tell about it, she couldn't keep the story strait... She even had my ex, and a group of people gang up on me by stopping my car from starting... I didn't know who to trust, because I KNEW she was gonna try to turn my friends against me... but, when I told my closer friends that I wasn't gonna talk about it, because I KNEW she would most likely slip-up, and tell weirder and weirder versions, and be unable to keep her stories strait that it would prove that she was the guilty person, and I was the victim... that's exactly what happened, then when I finally told my best friend at the time, she actually did me a favor and tried to fish the girl for details... and, she earned my trust back, so I told my best friend my version, which was the real version, and before long, people heard my version, and began to seriously doubt that girl's credibility...
The odd thing was that the blond girl, whom was supposed to be that girl's best friend, did nothing but bitch about how much she hated her. But, as soon as she beat the living crap out of me, she quickly turned on ME, and kissed that girl's butt so much that it was WEIRD. I'd never seen an evil side of the blond in my life EVER. And, even tho' the girl that beat me up was telling wild tales about the story, that she was somehow the victim, and I was the drug addict (so I kinda wonder what other secret drugs she might've also been doing), the blond began doing the same thing, but even WEIRDER! I NEVER even DID anything to the blond! Then, there was senior prom! the BOTH of them ganged up on me, and followed me like hell-raising mosquitoes to harass me... before, when I was nicknamed "Pocahontas" those 2 were the ones whom openly said THE MOST that they loved the name, loved my style, and admired my courage, and even stood up to bullies on my behalf, or stuck-up for me. I'd worked on projects with them, and even got that girl in a special project with me privately funded by the school, and we even had our own perks because of who were were. But, that night at the Prom in the hotel bathroom, I was in the stall and they began acting like mad crazed women, and started saying stuff like: "What kind of person thinks they're Pocahontas? That's an insane and sick idea! What kind of crazy bitch would do that?" Then, it was cheap shots about how I spoke German, listened to German music, or techno music, or thought I was Blümchen." They even acted out mock killings of me. Then, they threatened my life, and said: Oh that kind of girl should watch out because she might end up dead. Then, the guy I went to the Prom with got his car's tire slashed... There was plenty of other weird and fucked up things that happened after that... But, those are the ones that stick out the most... Then, about a week or 2 before graduation we had this sort of Senior Picnic in which the class (or 1998) would all go on buses to some rented barbeque park, eat burgers, and do activities, or lounge around... My best friend at the time, had been telling me for a few days that she had been talking to the girl that beat me up, and kept insisting that I should go talk with her to that girl, that she admitted some things, and that she regretted it and she was sorry... I was so friggin' scared out of my mind, and I think I even might have had a restraining order against her. She had like super villain strength, and this person whom I'd believed for my entire high school enrollment was my very good friend, just up and snapped and tried to kill me, kept threatening my life, damaging people's cars including mine, so I wasn't buying it... I figured perhaps it was some kinda trick or something... 'cause I was against it... But, my best friend even got some of my other friends to also try and help sway me to talk to her... At the senior picnic, my best friend said to me: Look, she's really sorry. She was crying, she feels bad. You're gonna go talk to her right now! Even tho' I protested, she and 2 other girls got me to agree to at least hear her out. So, the girl came over to talk to me... It was an odd feeling... You could just SEE her face, she looked terrible. Stressed, and odd... she looked like she sort of hated life, and she didn't seem like she liked me... but, she sort of bowed her head to me, and has submissive apologetic body language... even tho' her eyes looked angry and crazy, from her mouth she started to apologize to me... sometimes she would grit her teeth, and she even looked like she was chocking back tears... she didn't so much say "sorry", but she said she felt bad, she wished she could un-do it, etc... and she kept talking... My best friend told me that she felt bad, and probably deep down inside she actually was my friend, and that she was probably just making a stupid teenaged mistake. Odd words from my friend since I was usually the wise one... but, then, the girl started crying, and she hugged me... So, my best friend was like: OK, so, are we cool now? I wan't entirely sure whether to believe it or not... but, since suddenly everyone was watching, I decided it would be better, and more diplomatic if I just played along with it... The blond, however, was SO obviously NOT happy about this. She stood there scowling at me with the dirtiest looks. And, she would still keep up saying the weird crazy things like she was saying before like the cheap shots about "Pocahontas" and being crazy... At 1 point the girl even told the blond off! Also, this whole "makeup" thing was odd for me, because she just WASN'T the same person to me at all, it was NOTHING like before, nor the person I knew her as from before... yet, she would actually hang out around me, or near me those last 2 weeks of high school, semi-nonchalantly... but, there was just some odd vibe about her I couldn't quite understand... the blond however STILL had daggers for me, was VERY vocal about it. So, I wonder if maybe she was mad because that girl actually wanted to makeup with me to some degree, and even tho' they'd BOTH orchestrated whole lies, frauds, and vandalism against me, I guess she figured why stop now? Maybe it gave her some false sense of prejudiced based power trip. I don't know, and it's not really my place to judge. I'd also had to attend award ceremonies, a number of them before we graduated, and I even had to do a speech and praise the girl that beat me up. The other girls on the project were scared of that girl too because they understood that she's actually beat me up, and that I was scared out of my mind from her. Graduation sucked too... it didn't seem so much like the chick that beat me up was trying to ruin it for me, but the blond kept it up, in subtle, indirect, and direct ways. It was worse than "Mean Girls". At least she (if not both of them) had the guys whom were originally my friend heckle me. Anyways, that was a long time ago... I have NO idea who they are anymore, what kind of persons they are, and even tho' I could judge them (very poorly) by their past actions... I don;t know whether I ought to hold it against them all the way, necessarily... I haven't even used their names either... But, you know me, if I wanted to go after injustice, and evil doers, it's no holds barred!
But.... I will say this... that MIGHT be the reason WHY I don't do BLOND characters, and if I do have them, they are villains... *shrugs*
Anyways, after graduation, I had a Half Tuition Scholarship given to me by the Animation teacher Lowl Boston, with award certificates, and everything. But, they wouldn't give me a scholarship to enroll full-time in the fall. Despite that, they CONSTANTLY called me PESTERING me to to enroll in the animation major there.
I'd already desided to enroll fulltime at AIPH (The Art Institute of Philadelphia) which had THE EXACT SAME TEACHERS as the U-ARTS, and for THE SAME associates degree that took 4 years to get there took only 2 at AIPH. Plus, AIPH supposedly garenteed graduates jobs in their fields...
Since there were NO other animation school in the area, and ANIMATION was NOT taught at ANY of the community colleges or Sate Universities in NJ, after reasearching as much as I could since I was 16 it seemed to me that AIPH was THE BEST choice, and I was VERY excited to go there! But, they screwed up my paperwork, and I couldn;t start in the Fall, but had to wait until Januray.
Meanwhile, not only was I attending FULL TIME classes that summer at the U-ARTS the new fucking managers at AMC kept fucking with my schedule! They would schedule me to work 8 days strait!!!! (there are ONLY 7 days in a week) So every 8 days I would get 1 day off, and I was exhausted! The hours they scheduled me for I also couldn't make it in time for, and NO ONE would ever bother to TRY to take up the slack for my hours, even tho' I ALWAYS did so for them (because I guess that's what ur supposed to do if ur a good Christian, be everyone's bitch to kick around, then forgive them and pray for them because you're "supposed to be the better man").
I got so flustered and frustrated every time the new schedule came out because I'd JUST told them I HAVE COLLEGE CLASSES from MON-FRI at THESE specific HOURS, plus stuff ON THE WEEKEND for about 6 weeks! Then, these assholes were like: well you need to submit that to me IN WRITING! I was like: I DID! I handed it TO YOU, TO YOUR FACE, IN YOUR HAND! I REMINDED YOU ON THE PHONE. YOU SAID EVERYTHING WAS FINE, and YOU WOULD TAKE CARE OF IT!
Yet, every week THE SAME DAMNED THING!
After the 4th time, I freaked the fuck out in the Lobby! Now, back then, I was calm cool, and collected... but, not only that, I was under tremendous pressure from the U-ARTS to go toe EVERY friggin' party, and EVERY event JUST because I got a scholarship award! They chewed me out almost every week over EVERYTHING!
Not only that but they had told me they were FINE with the fact that I couldn't attend THE LAST WEEK because I was going to Germany. But, the bitch in charge of the Summer School program LOVED to rub that in my face! She would even LOOK for reason to chew me out!
WTF! I'd always been treated as an adult at the U-ARTS before, and this bitch talked to me like I was 12!
So, lets just say the year 1998 wasn't exactly a great year for me, and not only that but in 1997 the day before my birthday, just about 1-2 weeks before senior year started, my dad's girlfriend got my dad drunk and had HIM beat me up, brutally, then I ran away to live with my mother in my barefeet. the next day was my birthday, and I turned 18.
So, after I came back from Germany in August I was VERY sick, and had tonsillitis & step throat. I was too sick to work at AMC for about 2 weeks, yet they still kept pressuring me to sign up to be a supervisor, even tho' My mom and her boyfriend decided they were moving us all to Southern Delaware. They moved ON my brithday.
Lemme tell you, I am probably the the single most person on the entire planet Earth that has had THE WORST BIRTHDAYS throughout my ENTIRE adult life. (Last year sucked REALLY bad too!)
DRAGONS
It was during my time at the U-ARTS that summer that I really started to form these concepts for the dragon stuff, and also involving Lively...
They handed out these hard covered, square shaped, ring bound sketch books. Not standard sketchbook sizes, kinda small actually. But, we were all handed these. All majors, not just animation majors.
And, the bitch in charge of the whole summer school thingy was the type of artsy-fartsy weirdos that's more of a "crafter" than an artist. By that I mean "arts & crafts" not actual art... that and MODERN art... which is mostly SHIT and talentless, but they will try to spin it as tho' it's "the art of ideas", or "intellectual" art. Look, Duchamp in my opinion was a genius, and a number of the original movement in modern arts, and abstract art were the geniuses, and mind blowing... but, pretty much everyone else is a wanna-be, and it's because THEY ARE LAZY, and SUCK AT DRAWING! These are also the types that always go on & on about "texture" as tho' they were some kind of actual artist... "Oh, well, I like texture." Or they do or TEACH pottery, but they think that SMOOSHING it makes it somehow better. The idiots that slap paint around and call it art, and make REAL artists have a bad reputation... Or painted who ONLY paint "still life" like bowls of fruit, or flowers, even tho' ANYONE could do shit like that, and it would still look like fruit or a flower...
Yeah, she was 1 of those... I kept winning awards and prizes while I was the U-ARTS which you could SEE on her face that she HATED. Look, I really was nice to her, and I was mostly still a Christian back then... so, if I come off as being snobby, or elitist, I'm sorry... but, I hate being put down, or told what I should or should do or be like, by someone that has less tallent and skills in their whole brain let alone their entire body than I did even at age 18 in just my pinky! This bitch could make or break me too... What? You STILL don't ike the way I'm kissing ur ass? Well, maybe she should tell me how my ass tastes? (Can ya tell I'm angry in retrospect?)
Anyways in her misguided ideals she thought that since we were ALL artists that we OUGHt to "decorate" out sketchbooks. The covers that is... Da-fuck???
I personally couldn't give a SHIT what the cover of my sketchbook looks like! I'm not some dumb-assed scrap-booker crafter HACK! I'm and ACTUAL artist! I didn't want some gaudy shit all over the cover! I happend to LIKE the simplistic elegant plain BLACK hard cover...
and, almost NO ONE actually WANTED to "decorate" the sketchbook. The purpose of the sketch book, is TO PUT YOUR ART INSIDE OF IT! And, the cover protects it! Especially if you were a GUY why the FUCK would he want to glue tissue paper, fabrics, or dorky paper on it? THEY ARE DUDES!
But, to get this Bitch off my back, I used a Blümchen sticker and "decorated it". pretty much EVERYONE just put stickers on their sketchbooks. Bands, like Wu-Tang, or heavy Metal bands, or hardcore Punk, or Disney movies like The Lion King...
If you had a corn-ball fucked-up weirdo looking cover, that looked like something a Kindergartener would do, somehow in her opinion that was THE BEST!
Man! In retrospect, I ust look back at my younger self and I think: WHF? I actually used to "respect athority" and still play this whole "everyone's opinion has some validity sometimes" bullshit!
But, today, i'm NO LONGER a Christian, and on reevaluating this whole thing I've come to a conclusion. That chick was A BITCH, on a Power trip. She thought that since she was in charge of the Summer School Programs at the University that it somehow validated to her that she was some sort of "Success", a great artist, a strong woman, etc... No. it went to her head! I got ZERO respect for people like that. I've had some REAL leaders to look up to in my life time, true alphas and they WERE NOT bitches like that! And she was an Ageist hack that deserves me to look down at her!
But, in that sketchbook was where I started to dream up, and sketch out most of my concepts for my dragon characters, specifically Djehkäujaa.
I do still have a number of my earlier sketches and concept work. And, I just found them, so I WILL have to scan and publish them...
But, I think this blog entry has gone on long enough for 1 entry.... and, I feel SO much better having let it all out! ;) Creatively & constructively!
So, look forward to me publishing those sketches in my next blog entries...
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