That one is actually based on a dream I had when I was about 6 years old. This story I re-did for my Eyewitness project concept work... but, I actually was writing it, originally, for my dragon project...
It could fit to either one...
I've written a number of versions of the dream I had as a child, and published various short stories of it throughout the internet since the 1990s. I have no idea what happened to them since then, tho'...
I've been going through a lot of my old sketchbook stacks looking for sketches of Djehkäujaa, but Lively is apart of that picture/story. I found a lot of stuff, and, some is terrible. I just want to scan it and show it, or put it out there, to prove its REALLY MINE.
Lively, herself, is is some ways like my own personal "Mickey Mouse", so to speak... to put it in an analogy:
Mickey Mouse is to Disney, as Lively is to Kandice Zimbleman/BlackUniGryphon.
I have been writing stories of Lively even before I even named her. I wrote stories about her in Middle School since at least the 6th grade, often as spooky stories, Halloween stories, ghost stories, or almost Alice in Wonderland or Oz type stories of stumbling into another world, or an unusual circumstance. She was a Disney princess, American Style Marvel Comics super hero/heroine, Star Trek science officer, etc.... But, in some ways she was like me, in the same way that playing with barbie dolls is also an extension of yourself.
I definitely played with Barbie dolls, My Little Pony, She-Ra action figures and I LOVED TO PLAY WITH Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles and X-MEN action figures! I had 3 brothers, and my cousins in Pennsylvania were both boys. The only neighbor kids we could play with on my street growing up were also only boys.
It was because of Star Trek TNG and X-MEN then Lively became 2 girls for a long time, throughout Middle School, and early in High School, named Hedrol & Kestrel/Kestra. She also had a friend whom lived in the woods that was named Osprey that was a Hippie that lived in the woods.
By the mid 1990s I felt Kestrel & Hedrol were too unoriginal, and too much like Marvel Comics & Star Trek and I often got nasty criticisms from some boy artists I knew in my town. So, I took out the wild stuff of Kestrel and stuff with the more trendy 90s fashions, yet some earthy adventurousness, and Lively began to really become something for real... at least to me, she was...
Some non-artists in high school, or ones I knew from middle school, would ask me: Who is that girl? What girl? That girl you always draw?
I thought it was a strange question for a non-artists, and so many of them, to keep having the effrontery to ask me such a thing! Why did she need a name? And, I also felt I clearly drew different girls at times....
This annoyed me... and many of my best ideas were things that annoyed me during Spring Break. Every single artistic breakthrough, or new thing I came up with always was during a Spring Break... except for Senior Year in High school...
I've told the story before, but Lively is a person full of life, and this was LONG BEFORE Pocahontas was a Disney film! But, I got the name from the REAL Princess Pocahontas which in her language means "Lively" or "Frolicsome". Or "full of life".
Lively is everyone's friend, a kind person, a strong person, and not held by gender boundaries. IN some ways like what the brand Barbie was meant to be.
BUT, LIVELY IS NOT A BLOND!
Lively, has NEVER BEEN, and NEVER WILL BE A BLOND!
I HATED the idea when I was a kid that BLOND was beautiful! That I wasn't GOOD ENOUGH as just me. I was also a fat kid in middle school.
I happen to think Brunette is BEAUTIFUL.
AND, Lively shall FOREVER be a Brunette BEAUTY. But, I have depicted her in different colored hair: black, brown, dark red, blood red, red brown, purple, blue, dark green, and anything DARK. NO WHITE or BLOND., and NO PINK! NO F@#$ING WAY!
I pretty much kept my hair as either natural or the occasional black in college because I F@#$ING HATED THIS PUSHED IDEA THAT EVERYONE NEEDS TO BLEACH THEIR DAMNED HAIR! Fuck ur chemicals! I grew out my hair long, natural for the most part, and if I ever used color in my hair it wasn't permanent. Fuck ur made-up marketing slogan "blonds have more fun"! Because I had more dates, offers, male flirtings, hook-ups and more, and I never once bleached my hair! I also wasn't racist, and was pretty equal opportunity in dating & hooking up with a diverse amount of men. The whole idea of "the all American" was so disappointing to me... And, yes, I even hooked up with sexy secular Muslim men in college. And, it was rather nice. :)
I kept getting Animation Scholarships at the UARTS in Philly in high school since I was a Sophomore. The animation teacher, Lowel Boston, kept giving me them, and they kept getting bigger and better... they often gave them to me TOO LATE, so I had to wait a semester or whatever.
After having gone almost EVERY SATURDAY (when I was actually enrolled into the classes) I already KNEW all of the Saturday classes' lessons, so I wanted to do my own thing. Many of the students already did whatever they wanted anyway, and the teacher Lowel was fine with that. So, I wanted to actually try to many something. that's when Lively began to really become a permanent thing in my life from then on.
Much of her distinct looks started at the UARTS, or when I was at home, designing stuff for my next projects to work on at the UARTS on the Penciltest Machine!
Animation is the greatest joy of my entire life!
Lively also helped me (metaphorically) create Djehkäujaa. Towards the end of high school, I don't know why, but I became SO ENAMORED with dragons! I went through a dragon phase as a little kid for a while, and also in 6th-7th grade.... But, dragons became such a thing with me, that I put them on my clothes, and next thing I knew fashions in 1999-2002 had Chinese dragons all over them for girls/women.
I could already FEEL a setting forming in my mind... and I already had my concept for "Eyewitness" starting... but, I didn't know what to do with it....
When I went to AIPH my friends Shannon & Kyle and their network of friends were all designing characters, and creating all kinds of wonderful things! Then, my characters really started to become a lot more to them.
And, my Character Design class with Don Bluth/Disney Animator, Sam Bullock, really made me develop the characters, and the stories.
Among the many things I wrote for Lively, including "Eyewitness", and the still Untitled Dragon Project, I wrote a little series for her called "Lively's Mini Unicorn" which is actually very funny and cartoonist, but also depicts the free spirit of Lively. I would like to rewrite some of it actually, but also to finish it. It's a totally different story than the Untitled Dragon Project, but a similar setting and place... I could easily see it as a novel series, but also as a manga (Japanese style comic book/graphic novel).
I'd published different versions of the first 3 chapters online on various websites since the early GW Bush era, then rewrote it and added new chapters on my Deviant Art gallery around 2005 or so... I actually really like the basis of the story. Its a mix of a few different influences from the time period, and it's both whimsical, magical, and silly. But, I think I want to remove some of the neo-pagan "spiritual" parts...
Scanning old vintage sketches, character design, and concept art...
I've torn apart my house looking for my old sketches of Djehkäujaa.
In case you haven't noticed yet, she's a dragon. But, she also has a humanoid form, and there's a reason for that.
Unfortunately, trying to find all my of best work of her is very difficult, and have serious trouble trying to find them!
Luckily, I found some of her character design head sketches.
I've scanned a number of the sketches in high resolution, and I've been cleaning up some, and publishing them to my DeviantArt gallery.
In honor of post the sketches of her her, I'd like to include this song by the German band "Scooter" called "The First Time" which if you listen to the song, the mood is very much an inspiration to this concept work, and her. The mood very much captures some of what I want for my project, in 1 part. Actually, I feel a number of vintage 1990s (Eurodance, techno, trance, electronica) European music (some Japanese inspiration also) inspires me intensely in the creation of this, where as my "Eyewitness" project is more of a UK synth pop music inspiration and some modern fusion stuff from California.
I really loved the old vintage Scooter music, even tho' I believe all of it is good over the years. Their band members have changed a number of times. Usually, their music has the vocals of HP Baxter, but this one does not.
Even tho' I generally have a major major dislike for "Drum N Bass" styles of garage music, this one is more of a Euro Trance style. the mood it has, keeping the composition simple but with layers of sound effects in the arrangement effectively expresses the mood. Also, the female vocal with a foreign accent adds to that haunting & strange yet beautiful mood feeling...
I would also recommend that if you are not sober, to be careful when listening to this song, because it's a very moving experience that you will not experience while sober.
However, I felt I wanted, and the project its self wanted, to have and make an entirely new and original song in a slightly similar style, but totally new and original. I would prefer my new version to probably be either a 2-step rhythm (dub step) instead of drum n base, or just Psy Trance style with 4/4 beats....
Also, I feel I might like a slight touch of Eastern fusion into it...Scooter had a down tempo single "She's The Sun" which had some Eastern fusion in it... but, a totally different style. t.A.t.U. has a slight bit of that Eastern fusion vibe in the song "Stars" If you like Eastern Fusion music, you might like Stellamara or their remixes, or Temple Step Project, or Beats Antique. However, I feel this old Scooter track style and mood fit it better than those which are either too hard, too soft, or a different mood altogether.
If the song and the sketches don't seem to make any sense to you, or seem unrelated, or you don;t understand it. let me put it to you this way:
Imagine you were a dragon all of your life, and then you screwed up really bad, and found yourself totally alone in the desolate wilderness like the plains of Mongolia, far away from anything and anyone familiar to you.... bewildered, lost and confused, and even you were not the same.... your body is not the same.... and, you look down into pond of water and see your face, as not your face.... as a different face that you didn't recognize... No one to help you, no one to recognize you, and nothing will ever be the same ever again.... not even you.
Here are the High Resolution Scans that I somewhat cleaned-up.
These sketches here aren't very good. they're very terrible rough doodles, and they also didn't scan very well either, nor clean-up very well for that matter...
My taste in men has changed since I was a teenager. When I was growing up, I was like most Caucasian American girls in that I was pretty much into the "All American" guy look, or personality... I was a bit confused at times, like in middle school I'd had some attractions to some ethnic guys that I was confused about, but hormones are confusing in your early adolescent years anyway.
I recall being interested originally in what felt familiar to me, meaning Caucasian guys.. you know, the soccer player, the football player, the basket ball player, but then suddenly there would be this really funny comedian guy, or the very smart guy... decisions, decisions... What do I want? What do I like? I think for most girls, they model what they want after some aspect of their fathers, whether they realize it or not... but, culture is also a factor...
I was very interested in my heritage, and when I'd seen the film "Dances With Wolves" about the Lakota Nation, it exposed me to concepts similar to my own heritage as a Native American descendant. Altho', I am an Apache Nation descendent of The Mescalero (or as my Grandfather & his sisters called it "Maskalera"). I recall watching the film over & over with my mother, whom was a VERY big fan of Kevin Costner, she would openly comment about how handsome the long haired, mostly naked, Indian Men actors were. What a concept! I'd never thought about it much until she said something, but then I thought, maybe she's right.
My mother was crazy about my father, but, he was crazy about gardening and hobbies. My mother was a MILF, and no matter who tried to get her attention or flirt with her, she would still always want to be with my father. But, I DID notice that when dark Italian men would flirt with my mother, such as local Pizzeria business owners in tight jeans, with big muscles, and somewhat long hair would flirt with her, she would actually flirt back, especially Sicilians.
For me, I noticed that if what you felt was more attractive to the eyes, if looks mattered, I noticed that guys with dark hair felt more attractive to me. The darker the hair, the more attracted I felt. It's a VERY real feeling, a very REAL attraction, almost magnetic, and the emotion was often times VERY enhanced. Not only that, but when you are interacting with a man in a consensual, intimate manner, just the very sight of his dark hair (especially black) very MUCH enhanced the emotional high (or ecstasy) of the experience and the gratification. Even more so if his skin had some color to it, like a tan, or whatever. Is it something genetic? I don't know.
But, the saying "Tall dark, and handsome" feels WAY better than pasty & pale...
It seems very superficial... don't you think? Looks and all that... but, I suppose our genes are programmed to function a certain way at different periods in our lives. It's this way among animals as well that seek out sexual mates based on looks, or traits, or whatever...
By the time I was in High School, many of the girls I knew (in southern NJ from all over the county since I went to BCIT) were attracted to Puertorican guys. They could have any number of ethnic looks, to very pale skinned, to very dark skinned, or even mixed with African heritage. Usually, most of those guys had dark black curly hair. I was UTTERLY mad over this thick curly, shiny, gorgeous hair. Their eyes, their smiles, their casual ways... and, so were most girls... but, for whatever reason, they were uninterested in me.
I was VERY into a Boy Band "No Mercy" which had 3 super hot young guys. They mostly did cover songs of other dance music tracks, with Spanish Guitar, and dance beats. They are most known for "Where Do You Go?" cover song originally by "La Bouche".
I was also, BIG TIME, into reading Marvel Comic's "X-MEN". Anything, and EVERYTHING!
My favorite character of ALL the X-MEN was a character Kurt Wagner alias "Nightcrawler".
He was this German National that looked like a DEMON, used to be a in circus act as a freak acrobat, could telleport, was bilingual, and despite his Gargoyle/Demon look and fuzzy indigo skin, he was a Christian and even was a Monastery monk at 1 point. The X-MEN themselves were very interesting characters on their own, but this one was my absolute favorite. He had the Dark curly hair, pointed ears, glowing eyes, a long prehensile tail, he could walk on walls like Spider Man. He was a TOTAL gentleman, Happy-go-lucky, friendly, the Welcoming person, the witty joke-maker. He cheered everyone up. He was well read, and he even was a swashbuckler. (So much like the stuff I like! I even took fencing.)
I even had a subscription to "Excalibur" (The British X-MEN team) which Kurt eventually became the leader of.
My favorite depictions of this character were by Alan Davis, whom is my ALL TIME favorite Comic Book "Penciler" Artist EVER! I learned SO MUCH by studying his style. He's SO GOOD!
(The photo I have here of Nightcrawler is ALSO by Alan Davis! ^_^ See how good his work is?)
So, as I was formulating what kinds of Romantic interests I might have
for Lively, it also would depend upon my own personal tastes, which I
could be sure about, but then find something else later on to make me
rethink what I actually liked, or actually wanted...
When I was younger, religion was a big influence on me. But, I would also gravitate to guys which were more intellectual, had some diversity to them, and especially was attracted more & more to foreigners.
Mostly, is started as European men. I'd had just so many very frustrating, disappointing, and hurtful experiences with American White men, that I was very fed-up with them. I was preferring a more Romantic & thoughtful European kind of guy. But, My relationship with my ex in Germany was a long distance one, and after a while, as I went to college, I'd felt his version of religion wasn't working out for me. By 2000/2001, I no longer had an interest in any organized religion, and had been switching to a more "New Age" faith, even tho' I still liked Jesus, or things he'd allegedly taught about Altruism, or Agape. And, like Jesus whom was friends with Marcus The Roman Pagan, I also was friends with numerous Pagans. Remember, Christianity is SUPPOSED to be about Love & Tolerance...
But, in my ex's Lutheran Protestant cult, which was founded dating way back to Martin Luther himself, they STILL made women cover their heads like nuns or Muslims, and dress a certain way like skirts or dresses only, in "assembly". They had rules about what you could, or couldn't watch, and banned TVs, techno, secular films, etc. My ex was 85% deaf, and had hearing aids. Among the deaf community in Germany EVERYONE listens to TECHNO because it's THE ONLY THING THEY CAN ACTUALLY HEAR.
Talk about utter Intolerance! What's with all the rules?
yet, everyone else in Germany was partying with "Free Love", and immodesty, nudism, body pride health, liberal sexuality, etc... "Love Parade", and it was very open, friendly, and loving...
But, there's a whole other chunk of the story I didn't mention yet.
Sex...
Christian religions have too many idiosyncrasies about sex, interpretations, and re-interpretations. Old & New Testament clash with 1 another...
As a teenaged girl, I was often confused about sex. There was stuff in the religion, but then, people would say 1 thing, and do another anyway... or say it in church, and not follow it in real life.... then, there was school, which was very liberal or moderate, and the ideas about sexuality weren't demonized at all... then, there was pop culture which was massively sexualized. There was AIDS, there was a mass campaign in the media to WEAR CONDOMS. There were my peers becoming sexually active at ages 12/13, and talking about how great it was.
I was very scared about sex. I mean, at age 12 & 13, I just wanted to still play with my Barbies, go roller skating, watch Batman cartoons, and have ice cream sundaes. I didn't want to have a boy touch me, or take off my clothes...
When I was in high school, I was 1 of the only virgin girls I knew for a long time. I didn't even start until I was 16, and I was massively disappointed. There I was, day in & day out hearing all of my peers discussing all this great stuff about sex, and yet my own experience was so horrible.
And, my boyfriend in my sophomore year didn't want me. He wanted 1 of my best friends. He also had no sexual interest in me. This happened 3 times in a row. Meanwhile sooooooooo many guys that were interested in me I'd felt no interest in them. I just didn't have any feelings at all...
So, I was even more frightened of sex.... I tried again once with another friend, and another... and, I didn't understand what the problem was. I remember crying in September 1997 after trying with a guy that I had worked briefly with me... There was nothing pleasurable about the experience. And, I couldn't have an orgasm...
I thought there was something wrong with me...
I couldn't understand it, because my body, my hormones, my urges, were all still there... but, intercourse its self was just horrible. I thought my body didn't work, or something was wrong with me.
So, when it came to sexual interaction, I mainly just stayed away from intercourse, and was more interested in petting, hand/finger play, touching, etc. I found that if I was open & upfront about this to a guy that mutually wanted to hook-up with me, that he was totally fine with that, and the experience could be very enjoyable, physically and pleasurably...
During that whole sort of self exploration of getting to know just what exactly I wanted, there was a pattern that came and went whether I'd noticed it or not...
Since I was a kid, I liked to watch action movies about Martial Arts, Kung Fu, and so on... My dad did, my brothers did. We used to watch movies by Belgian action star Jean-Claude Van Damme. We also watched any and every B movie out at the time with Martial Arts. Then, 1 day, my father's friend came to visit him while we were watching Van Damme and he laughed at us. We'd though Van Damme was such a great hero on screen, but this guy just laughed & laughed and talked about how much he stunk.
What???
He told us: No! No! No! If you want to see a real action star, and REAL Martial Artist Master you should go to the video rental store and find movies by Bruce Lee.
Who? What? Huh???
Then, over, and over: Bruce Lee! Bruce Lee this, and Bruce Lee that...
It didn't mean anything to me... I'd seen so many martil arts movies, I thought they were all good. But, what did I know?
Then, one day, my brother found out there was a video rental place that had movies staring Bruce Lee.
So, he got Mom to rent some, and took them home for us to watch.....
OH MY GOD!!!!!
I couldn't believe my eyes!
After that it was Van WHO???
How could anyone stand to watch Van Damme after Bruce Lee?
But, I was really young when that happened. I didn't look at men as sexual objects back then...
Then, when I was in middle school, there was a movie about Bruce Lee called "Dragon; The Bruce Lee Story" staring Jason Scott Lee. It was a movie I'd been looking forward to watching very much. We got it on pay per view, and I watched it over and over.
The 2nd week after I'd gotten it, I was on the bus and the girls were talking about when men (movie stars or pop stars) were the hottest. And, they went through the list... all White men, like 90210 stuff... And, a popular girl, named Amanda blurted out Jason Scott Lee which shocked everyone. Then she went on & on about his body in THAT movie, and how naked he was, and then oddly enough the other girls agreed. It sticks out in my mind so strongly... What a concept!
I remember thinking to myself that I agreed. It was TOTALLY true. The man was incredibly hot! So, when I went home and watched the film again, I was looking at it from a different perspective. The film a had a strong inter racial theme to it anyway... but, the idea that I'd ALSO found this man to be an attractive looking man was something very new to me, and I wasn't the only girl to agree with this idea either.
From the time I was about 15 or 16 there were some Asian guys that had an interest in me. Why me, I don't know... but, at that time, I mostly ignored it, or was oblivious to it... I'd generally had no interest in Asian guys at the time... other than very attractive, muscular, glamorous, nearly naked Asian men on the TV screen. Like Russel Wong in Vanishing Son.
I'd dated a Korean guy when I was 17, but he was sort of crazy in the head, and it didn't go well. And, I didn't know if I wanted to date Asian guys, or not.
But, by the time I began working at a movie theater in the summer on 1997 just before I'd turned 18, I took a look around and took notice of my VERY attractive Asian male coworkers. They didn't behave like the stereotypes either. Very funny, easy-going, sometimes cocky, but even talked about deep thinking, current events, music, culture and more.... You're supposed to "be professional" on the job, but it was so good to work with such fun & friendly people anyway. Every day was great because you can be among such sexy guys, and never feel nervous to talk to them... That job was full of a diverse group of persons. And, I loved them all...
I was on the fence. You're not supposed to do anything with your coworkers, really, even tho' there were 2 couples that worked there, and several persons dated each other. I was against it. I'd also had a boyfriend in Germany. My whole reason to work there was to raise the money to go to Germany....
But, temptations still happen...
I couldn't decide what I wanted, if I wanted it or not, or if I should just stick to my principle...
But, when a man wants something, he will come at it in full force, over & over, persistently... And, man, did he ever!
He was crazy, you know... mental... not right in the head at times... then, add on hormones... volatile, unpredictable...
I could resist, resist, resist... and then, suddenly, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN???
Stupid! Brash! Jerk!
And, then, somehow, I'm in his arms again!
Or...
In the dark!
Vulnerable...
All alone!
I hate him! I hate him! I hate him!
But, then... my dreams betray me...
My thoughts betray me....
And, when he clutches me, my own body betrays me...
Everyone loved him too. At work he had everyone believe he was an easy-go-lucky person, an Alpha Male, and the most popular person there. Everyone wanted to BE HIM, be LIKE him, and be around him... and, I couldn't help it either...
I was utterly INSANE about him, but utterly in denial over it...
And, yet, when he was alone with me, he was someone else in at least 2 variations of extremes... the very intense predator, to the very meek & timid wounded being... and, he could switch from one to the other at any moment... There was just something about his eyes, the way he looked at me... not anyone else... and his smile.
But, his approach to me was all wrong...
I wasn't the only one either...
-and, I feel utterly used, deceived, and womanized.
Then, one day he just up & left...
He'd gone out of his way to make everyone think he's cared about them, missed, them, etc... only years later to tell me what he really actually thought of them all, point blank....
Before he left, he even cried to me, and told me he loved me...
How the heck did I ever fall for that?
How did I actually ever think this person was my friend? Or that he'd cared about me, or anyone else?
I wasn't a friend to him, in his mind... not someone he'd actually loved, or cared about... I wasn't even a human being to him, let alone even a person....
I was just a thing to him...
His idea of being respectful to me is not talking about it... covering it up, etc... But, I think a real motive for not telling about it is because it implicates him, and guilt...
Ironically, this guy used to beg me to have sex with him, and pressure, and so on... but, whenever I'd either consent to it, or actually want to, he would change his mind. Then, he said he just wanted to hold me, so I lay they with him in my arms while he was shaking. The whole thing was ridiculous.
Why he could NEVER keep plans with me, but make plans and hang out with others, ALWAYS stood me up, and NEVER kept a promise to me, yet be good to everyone else is beyond me. But, whenever he on the spot wanted attention from me, he'd pressure me until I gave in, filled up my in-box with letters either pestering me, or just being foolish. And the ONLY 2 times he's actually showed up on a plan with me, was BECAUSE I NAGGED HIM.
Yet, with him was many, many firsts for me... none of which were an orgasm...
The first time I was alone with him, after he'd annoyed me to death, I finally asked him to. But, he was utterly afraid, and scared out of his mind once I was finally alone with him. So, I didn't know what to do other than massage his shoulders, which was what he'd said he wanted, and agreed to. But, after a long time alone with him like that, he went through the very first time I would notice him "switching" and he became this other man. He turned around and looked at me, in my eyes, then he said "Come here." But, I did nothing. Then, he abruptly grabbed me, and kissed me. I was really scared. And, after he kissed me, he began tearing my clothes off. This sort of became his signature, in how he could remove clothing very quickly in just a few really violent tugs, pushing & pulling me very roughly. And, then, he would ask me several questions, like whether I liked it, or him, and so on, constantly asserting a power dynamic, which was utterly terrifying. And, yet, somehow, he could work me up into not only liking him, but enjoying him.
At one point, he asked me "Did you come?" which I didn't understand. I had only ever heard this word used for men before. I was either too young, or too inexperienced. But, he kept asking me. I didn't know what to say because he seemed to value whatever it meant, so I said "yes". But, I can tell you the truth was actually "no" because I am old enough NOW to understand what it means.
When I was in college, age 19, I started to date a Vietnamese playboy bodybuilder in Graphic Arts at my school. (He was also a martial artist, flower gardener, and a sushi chef) And, that was my very first orgasm. Several actually. "The Big O."
I would go with him each night for about 2 months, and go at it for hours, several times in a row until about 4-5AM, go to sleep then wake up a few hours later, shower, and go to classes, then go meet him again for dinner and do it all over again. Where I got all the energy to do that is beyond me...But, it's totally true. TOTALLY.
Then, I dated more frequently on a casual manner. I dated several types of ethnic or foreign men. This 1 guy was hell-bent on marrying me, which I gave-in to marry eventually which was the WORST decision EVER. He turned into someone else once I married him, and he left n went to Oklahoma, and used me to get his parents to come here from China. He was mentally ill, so i can pardon him for having a medical issue... but, he abused me terribly, and also would try to use religion there as well, but went around fucking whomever he wanted in less than a full week. But, what can I say? A person of sound mind & body, let alone self respect, wouldn't behave that way, right?
When I married that guy, it was like every man in the world was trying to get me to hook-up with them. I even had a wedding ring, and told them; "I'm married.' to which they're reply: 'He doesn't have to know." which would piss me off! The wedding ring used to burn my skin also...
But, once I divorced him, it was as tho' since this guy didn't want me, then no-one else did for about 3 months. Even my female friends barely spoke to me.....
But, then, I went into online dating, which back then, people thought was "scarey" or unsafe, and NOW EVERYONE DOES IT!!!!! Go fig'! I used mostly "Yahoo! Dating" personals, or "Asian Friend Finder". I made sure never to date a religious man EVER AGAIN, because it was always a lie, or he had some kind of issue and wanted to USE his scripture to control me, but never abide by it for himself...
So, I went wild dating. I would have up to 2 different dates per day depending on whether I had classes, or it was a weekend. I went to casinos, night clubs, dance Clubs, and men would drive, fly, or take a train to see me from all up & down the east Coast, or even people visiting from over seas to the local universities. I liked Asian men best, especially Chinese, and especially if they were educated and born over seas that were either attending university or had an established career. back then, not many women were interested in Asian men, so I had the pick of the litter. I even made videos on YouTube about it in my 20s. Now, if I go back to Philly it's very common to see interracial dating of Asian men with non-Asian women.
By the time I was booking so many dates to my heart's content I couldn't give a shit whether this or that guy NOW wanted me.... it was too late, and I blew them all off. Good-bye!
If a man REALLY wants you he'll give it a really good persistent try. If not, then don't bother with him.
So, if you're wondering what I like? Well, I definitely LIKE MEN.
I like men that can behave themselves, have self control, have AT LEAST my level of IQ, OR HIGHER, otherwise I find I just can't respect him if all he cares about is JUST Football or sports. I like men that have an actual understanding of ethics & philosophy, and Not some made-up blanket version of a concept that somehow 'virtue' only means what does or doesn't happen between a woman's legs, and WHO does it to her. Because I ACTUALLY know what a "virtue" is, as well as it's antithesis being a "vice".
At the same time, I ALSO don't like men that are rigid, strict, inflexible, arrogant, or stuck on themselves. I like genuine, tried & true persons, but can keep secrets. I like a balance of playfulness, witty, sense of humor, but NOT obnoxious, a sense of humbleness, but not a coward. I especially like activists, and civil disobedients, men that are clever, kind, and have the right balance of gentleness & strength especially inside of their minds. I don't like men that are aloof, doofy, smokers, reckless, drug dealers, addicts, thieves, or frauds. I like intellectuals, deep thinkers, creative & artistic, as well as musical including DJs, or tech savvy folks, including programmers so long as they're not douchey pricks.
So, anyways... I haven't entirely decided on a perfect guy for Lively yet... I don't want her with some jerk that uses her, nor one that neglects her.
I've been upfront, quite often, since I was very, very, young that the artist I'd idolized the most was Disney animator: Glenn Keane.
But, there have been so many very talented animators, and artists which have worked for Disney.
Often when you think of what a "Disney" style is, which I'm often commented upon as resembling is often credited to the work of (but not limited to) artists like Fred Moore.
If you read the thick text-book-like book called "The Illusion of Life" they make much mention, and give quite a bit of credit of this lovely artist.
He is most known for his "girls".
I've read many many accounts of people talking about how "everyone wanted 1 of his girls" meaning a sketch by him, and I've even heard/read that he had his own fan club.
If you look at his work, often times you might notice how often some of his "girls" look very similar to Hollywood Movie Star, Veronica Lake.
Altho' I personally don't care to draw the way Moore did, I very much enjoy his work. He was VERY expressive in his style & gestures, and was very good at capturing & expressing a very fem vibe in his work.
I think most often when I mention Moore, people think of his work in the Masterpiece film "Fantasia".
Fantasia, in my opinion as an artist, is 1 of the finest works of animated cinematic art EVER CREATED.
It was ground breaking at it's time, and used many techniques, and technologies that no other work nor art & cinema had ever used before, and REALLY stretched, pushed, and pulled the VERY best of of the artists of that time. It's a gem for the entire human race in creativity, imagination, and beauty.
It blends cultural ideas such as mythology, fantasy, classical music, and musical pieces that were themselves ground-shaking & groundbreaking when they'd 1st come out.
It is SO good, that it makes me cry sometimes, because I truly can appreciate it, being that I myself am an artist. Of all the old original classics created when Walt was alive, the 2 films which stand out to me THE MOST in it's INCREDIBLE skills of artistry, Fantasia is 1, and the other is "Pinocchio".
Moore's body-types for his girls altho' I do like, sometimes are a bit too adolescent yet sexy for my own personal tastes. Altho' sometimes they often resemble Veronica and her body type, they also have a very 12-13 year old baby-fat plumpness which isn't my thing... But, I supposed back then, that is what was considered beautiful to either men, or at least Fred Moore.
The body-types of his "girls" are often more demure in the upper body half, with baby-faced facial looks, and similar poses to "pin-ups" at the time, but the bottom halves of the female figures are often very plump, and more adult-like.
I like very expressive art. Typical animators generally do. But, I also like realism, exaggeration, and stylization as well.
My style is still very influenced by artists from the 80ss & 90s in American comics, and Katzenberg Disney films.
If you've NEVER even seen the book "The Illusion of Life", I would recommend you to at least try and find it in your local library, or book-store. It's QUITE expensive, and I'm sill astounded that I even have a coppy of it myself, because I almost didn't get it.
In 1999, I was living in Center City/Fairmount Park area Philadelphia, down the street from the Art Museum at a place called "Parktown Place" (Ben Franklin Parkway). I had somehow gotten some money, but I don't recall how. I'd often come in and out of money whether finding some way to sell something, do some kind of work, or job, or people would give me something saying that college students need some cash, so here's my contribution... etc...
I went to classes at The Art Institute on Chestnut St. and often went to Liberty Place which is a set of skyscrapers with neon lights lining it at night (the most beautiful ones in my opinion) that are connected at the bottom by a small 2 floor mall. On the 2nd floor, was a small bookstore. Maybe Walden Books...
I'd had an evening class, which I'd discovered early on were a waste of money since the night teachers were lazy, and left class early, yet you still had to pay the full price like any day class.
So, when the teacher went to break, and NEVER returned, I left the class, saw the computer labs were full, and decided to walk back to my apartment... But, when I left the building, I'd noticed that the Mall was still open, because it usually closed at around 7-7:30.
Why? I don't know... So, I went into the mall, and I was hungry... I saw the food court was open, and there were still patrons inside shopping... but, not much... I wasn't sure when the mall would close... and, most of the food from the food court vendors looked to old, and not very fresh... so, I decided to go to the bookstore...
I entered the bookstore, and saw no one there...
I thought that was very odd...
Was I being watched? Or, was whoever was supposed to be working just being lazy & taking a nap? Don't they worry about being robbed?
So, I went to the back of the store, and I saw all the books about animation... I'd already gotten a copy of Preston Blair's animation book, so I didn't think I needed any other books. And, I also had 2 "Dynamic" books by Burne Hogarth. So, I thought I was pretty set. As for as the "reading list" or the "book list" of recommended materials were concerned, I was pretty set, none were required, and most instructors made copies from these books as hand-outs anyway... so, I was rather pleased with myself, and felt I was somewhat ahead of everyone else for the most part, in the new students.
As I went to the back, and overlooked the books, I was well aware in a number of expensive books, and the cash "burning a hole in my pocket". So, I wanted to invest in something... but which book?
At the time, 3D was very new, and VERY HOT, and I was seriously considering a career as 3D (CGI), even tho' most of my peers were more Traditional, and I ALSO favored Traditional 2D animation.... So, I focused my attention on some 3D books...
Finally, I pulled out 3 books, and wanted to choose 1 of those, and I leafed through them.
Which one? Which one?? Which one???
I stood there undecided...so, I compared the prices...
Hmmm.... Not sure...
Then, I removed 1 book, and had 2 to choose from....
Until, I'd decided on 1 of them... I stood a moment and pondered about whether I'd really wanted it or not, and determined that I did.
So, I went back to return the other book, as still no one was in the store...
As I laid it down, and was about to go pay for the book in my hand/arm, a young man (older than me) just randomly appeared. He wasn't there, and then suddenly HE WAS!
I gasped.
He looked Milato. He had blue-ish gray eyes, and light African textured hair that was growing very long in dreadlocks, with adornments in it, tied back, wearing the bookstore logo baseball cap that most stores back then required workers to wear, and an apron, with a logo of the store. He was slightly tall, slim, and muscular, with a very multi-etchnic look, with very handsome features, and almost breathtaking good looks. His voice was both calm, casual and laid back, but you could tell he was highly intelligent, had a high vocabulary, and was very articulate.
He looked me in the eye, and began talking. He told me:
"Oh, no. You don't want that one."
I was taken aback. Who the heck was this guy? What does he mean I don't want this one? I'd just spent that whole time desiding which book I wanted, and I'd finally decided. I definately wanted this book. Who was he to tell me?
I was really perplexed.
So, I spoke back to him: "Excuse me. What?"
And, he said it again. "You don't want that one."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
Then, he walked over to me, clutched the book, and talked some more...
He said, "Trust me. You don't want that one. That's the wrong book." and he flipped through it commenting on the pages as to how cheesy, cheap, and overpriced it was, and all it was was glossy paper.... "See? I'm telling you, you really don't want to waste your money on this junk."
I told him, of course I wanted this book, and that it was new, cutting edge, showed new examples of work in 3D and so on... but, he stopped me from talking, and he said, "You're in Animation, right?"
So, strange! HOW DID HE KNOW THAT?
I'd NEVER seen him before! I was shocked... and before I could answer, he said "At the Art Institute, right?" I was stunned... did he go there too? I wasn't even in Animation 1 class yet, just the starting classes... and I'd NEVER seen him before. I knew the upperclassmen, their names, and I'd NEVER seen him among them either...I'm quite sure I would've recognized someone that looked the way he did. Extra big baggy pants, and all...
So, I asked him if he went there too.... he told me he did, even knew the names of the teachers, my teachers, which classes I was in, and even the names of my friends, like Shan (my roommate) & Kyle, and their close friends. So, he kept talking, and I kept listening... He also told me he was often in the animation room working on his reel & portfolio, and invited me to talk to him there anytime.
Since he'd seemed so knowledgeable and friendly. I just relaxed and listened to him... He laid down the book, and said he would show me which book I actually should get.
He lead me to a different shelf near the ground, in a different section, bent down and pulled the heavy, hard covered book "The Illusion of Life".
I was NOT happy about that. So I protested. I said, "No, I don't want that." But, he kept insisting.
"I'm TELLING you, THIS is the book you want! This is THE book. It's on the top of the recommended reading list for a reason."
He told me it was the best animation book. I told him I'd already gotten the Preston Blair book, and even books by Burne Hogarth, but he wouldn't waver in how adamant he was. He took off the plastic wrapping on the book, and began showing me the pages in the book. He went on, and on, about it.
Then, I turned it over and saw the price, and I freaked out. It was nearly ALL the money I had. And, I was upset. I told him it was too expensive, and I didn't want to spend all my money. He told me to calm down, and he would give me a discount... and talked to me for a long time, about several other things, even made jokes, and so on... he was very nice, and very likable...
So, I wasn't sure whether he was just being a very convincing salesman, and I was just some sucker, or whether he was just being a friendly fellow student artist/animator...
He took me to the front, rang up the book, bagged it, and talked a little bit more...
He told me he'd see me in school, and that he worked again the next day.... then, I decided I should go back to my apartment (a long walk) and said good-bye.
When I left the Mall, I looked back at the mall as I was leaving and saw all the lights were off... that was strange... but, I shrugged it off... I've seen stranger things... so, whatever...
So, I went home, with this very heavy, VERY expensive book.. and put it on the table... I leafed through it. It was very good... but, none of my classmates had the book, and I wasn't sure I even wanted it... But, I was hungry, so I put it down and ate... then forgot about it...
My roommate Shan hadn't been back a in while, since she was mostly w/her boyfriend (also my friend) and the other roommate was so lazy that she'd gotten kicked out of school. So, I was by myself... and the book just lay there... I put my name on it, sketched in my sketchbook, and went to bed... That was it...
The nest day, I went to school, and I went to the animation room to see if that guy was there. I had many questions, and I'm a curious person... but, I didn't see him in there... I checked several times that day, but he wasn't there...
So, I went to the Mall again (Liberty Place) and went to the bookstore, and found that he wasn't there... On my breaks from class I would either check the animation room/floor, or the bookstore... and I never found him...
The following day, the same thing. The weekend, the same thing... during the week, the same thing...
So, I gave up, after about a month, and was about to forget about it...
Then, my roommate came back... and she was hanging out with me, when she noticed the book.
And, she gasped and freaked out!
"Oh-my-gosh! When did you get 'The Illusion of Life'?"
Her reaction was strange to me... I knew of no one else that wanted that book, no one that had it, and no one that ever wanted it...
So, I told her about that guy, and and told her he pushed me to get it. Then, I asked her if she knew the guy.
She was perplexed and asked "Who?". So, I described him. I told her he knew her, and all her other friends, including Kyle. She just drew a blank...
So, she asked me if she could look at the book, or borrow it, and I said she could. And, being a nice as she was, she gave it back one day. (Shan was always so nice to me. Very supportive, friendly, kind. I liked her lots.)
Then, even Kyle came over and the SAME reaction: OMG! You have The Illusion of Life!!!!
Kyle had more in depth knowledge of animation, and animation history than anyone else I knew. SO, I very much respected whatever he said. Both he & Shan were AMAZING artists too. Shan had great tastes in art like I did too, like 80s stuff, and they both had the BEST sense of humor!
I asked my teachers, and other students about that guy, and NOT A SINGLE PERSON knew who it was. I also NEVER saw him at the bookstore. I even met a girl who worked there and asked her about him, and she looked perplexed. "Who?" Nope. never heard of him...
It's not the kind of face you could EVER forget. The hair, the eyes, the tan skin, the voice.... There was a kind of almost powerfully angelic quality to the guy.
After September 11th (2001), one day, I'd found the book in my portfolio case in storage... I was trying desperately to get work in my field, with no luck... and, there was some kind of storm, or something in Lewes Delaware, where my Mom lived.
So, I pulled it out, and had several times, sort of, hated myself for purchasing such an expensively decedent book, when I probably should've brought groceries... the only other book I'd ever bought like that was the hard-cover book about the making of Pocahontas, which was FILLED with the artwork of my idol, Glenn Keane. But, this was something I knew very little about...
But, oh "this is the book you really want"... well.... I got no career to show for it... didn't help me at all... should I sell it?
So, I sat on the sofa, petting Mom's dog, Tonka, on the head... and opened it... I looked through it, page after page, after page.... then back...
Then, I turned to the front and ACTUALLY started to READ it...
What an idiot I was!
It REALLY was the book I needed.
Page 13:
1. An Art Form Is Born (read it)
....and they even cite Glenn in the book (Page 11/Acknowledgements).
It's 1 of those "in the know" books. People who KNOW what it isfreak out when they see it! It's so expensive that it's practically a luxury item, or even a status symbol to own one...
There were a number of people whom told me they'd tried in vain to get their own copy, but today, I believe you can find them online easily.
But, if I recommend it to others whom didn't know of it, they are very nonchalant about it, like whatever... oh... that's nice...
If you read the 1st 3 chapters, it really gives you some interesting content (so keep reading), and also ideas into looking up what they're discussing. In some ways the book is intended for instructional purposes, but it's also a historical reporting item of reading material, with LOADS of graphics. They even discuss science, anthropology, philosophy, film, and more.
I've scanned many many sketches today... all old stuff....
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